It's a Mad World
by Firefly119
Summary: complete. What does it take to be stong? Lily Evans will do whatever it takes to be taken seriously, even if it means facing her fears alone. Sometimes, though, the bravest, and strongest act is to admit you need someone L
1. Prologue

Mad World

Prologue

_Synopsis –– Lily Evans has everything a girl could ask for, but she's about to lose the most important thing in her life. It's going to take a boy she can barely stand, with a special gift to keep her from losing even more – herself._

_Disclaimer – ahh if only…if only_

The sun was beginning to set and a slight chill was in the air. Lily stared determinedly ahead, only vaguely aware of the people around her. As though it were on mute, she could see the people streaming past her. She saw, rather than heard, a woman two tables over tilt back her head and laugh. She saw a little boy with shocking blond hair escape his nanny's grasp. It felt like a dream, or worse, a nightmare. Petunia was sitting next to her, crying softly. Lily reached out and mechanically rubbed her back. Her father was clutching his glass of wine, looking at his daughters with an odd look on his face. Was it helplessness? Or maybe anger? Or maybe both? Lily didn't know, and she wasn't much sure that she cared.

The palms swayed in the breeze and Lily shivered despite the warmth. There was something sinister about this beautiful day, in this beautiful place. She glanced back at their beautiful five star hotel, around the restaurant where they were seated outside on the beach, at her untouched lobster. It lay dead, still, and wholly recognizable on her plate. For a moment she thought she might be sick.

"Lily!" her father said, rather forcibly.

Lily's head shot up in surprise and met his eyes. She squirmed in her chair, desperately wanting nothing more than to run from the table like that little boy on the beach, except she didn't think she'd be smiling quite as brightly.

"Did you hear what I said? Your mother is sick."

"I understand." Lily said stiffly and sipped her water. For the first time in her life, she envied Petunia. Her little sister had never been her favorite person, but watching her crying like that, Lily would have given anything to trade places. She couldn't help but think that it must be so freeing to just cry. But no such relief would come to her.

They finished dinner in silence and went back their rooms. The room she shared with Petunia was large and bright with two queen beds, aqua bed spreads and a stunning ocean view. Lily had barely put the key in the door when Petunia burst past her and flopped onto her bed, sobbing violently. Lily ran a hand through her thick auburn hair and sighed. She felt so much older than sixteen. She sat gingerly next to her sister and began to rub her back. At thirteen Petunia was awkward and difficult but she was still very much a little girl. A little girl in a lot of pain.

"Pet, it's going to be okay. You'll see." Lily whispered, brushing her light brown hair out of her sister's hot, flushed face.

"Lily, don't be stu-stu-stupid." She wailed. "It's lung cancer. Dad said they couldn't do any-anything about it."

"You never know. People beat cancer all the time." Lily wished she could believe it. She wished Petunia could believe it. She wished…well anything at that moment but this.

There had been a time when Lily's wishes always came true, just because she had wished them. When she was five she had wished desperately for a pony and one had simply appeared. At seven she had wished for a teacher to stop yelling at her and, as if by magic, he had lost his voice. And then when she was eleven she had cried herself to sleep hopelessly wondering why she had to be so different from everyone else. Then a letter, arriving by way of a very rotund man in a cloak named Horace Slughorn, had explained everything, she was a witch. But Lily's time for dream-come-trues had passed and she had never felt more helpless or alone.

"She didn't even tell us herself. She could have at least come with us here." Petunia whimpered, her intolerably bright pillow now completely soaked. Their father was a self made millionaire and he worked incredibly long hours, so every year he took the girls on a two week long holiday, just the three of them. This year it was the Bahamas.

"I'm sure she had her reasons, Pet." Lily said but, she, who had always adored her mother, doubted her. Lily was beginning to feel like maybe her Gryffindor courage had skipped a generation.

Petunia rolled over and looked at Lily pleadingly, with a hope in her eyes that was moremore unbearable than any amount of tears. She knew what Petunia was going to ask, and it broke her heart.

"But you, you can fix this. You're a witch." She looked over at Lily's wand expectantly, as though waiting for it to jump up, swish around a pit and be done with it all.

Lily shook her head sadly, her throat constricting painfully. If only… "Petunia," she said gently taking her sister chin and leading away from the wand. "Look at me. Some things can't be fixed, not even with magic. If I could…"

Petunia began to cry again in earnest. "Leave me alone." She cried. "I hate you! You can turn a clock into a whistle but you can't do anything real. You're just a stupid freak. I hate you! I hate you! I hate –" But her last word was obscured entirely by her sobs.

Lily got up silently and walked onto the balcony. The stars had just come out and the moon was beginning to rise. She glanced at her wand as it lay on her bed and kicked the railing in frustration. She had never agreed with Petunia more.

**A/N – This story is based on my own experience with my mother's cancer. I really wanted to write something that shows that no matter how strong, and how brave you are, sometimes you really just can't make it on your own. I'm going to try to keep this as true to the human condition as possible because I think there's something really beautiful about humanity's ability to love even though every part of you screams not to. Next chapter, off to Hogwarts. Please review it doesn't take long and feedback really helps me make this a better story for everyone. I've already finished chapter 1 and it's a pretty good length soooo thanks again.**

**CHAPTER 1 WILL BE DEDICATED TO THE FIRST REVIEWER!**


	2. Familiar Faces, Worn out Places

Mad World

_Chapter One_

_Subtitled: All Around Me are Familiar Faces, Worn Out Places_

_Dedicated to: Miss SJB for being my very first review may this chapter do her justice!_

Sunlight streamed into Lily's corner bedroom. Her pale, yellow wallpaper took on a comforting glow in the afternoon sun. She sat down heavily on her bed, her head in her hands, her thick auburn hair pouring through her fingers like bloody water. Her king sized bed was in the middle of her large, but cozy room. On the wall opposite her windows was an overstuffed, baby blue, loveseat over which hung a framed copy of Monet's Lilies. When she had been younger, her mother had found everything that had to do with lilies for her room but only Monet had survived the great scourge of her fourth year. And from where she sat now, rightfully so. Even the lily themed tea party had had to go. Directly opposite her bed was a large, white desk with delicately painted flowers (of all varieties) scaling the shelves. Her room was neat, with only a large, open trunk on her floor.

She was overwhelmed, incredibly so. She had packed for Hogwarts six times before but now, with only a day left to go, the task seemed impossible. She placed her shaking hands on her knees and took a deep breath.

"I can do this. I'm a big girl. I don't need anyone to hold my hand. I can go this." She whispered, taking a deep breath.. Next to her lay an opened letter with a bright gold badge peaking out of the corner. It read _Head Girl _ in antiquated, spidery lettering. For six years she had dreamt and pushed and worked for this honor. She had come to Hogwarts a muggleborn whose knowledge of magic had been limited to rabbits being pulled out of hats, and magic mirrors owned by evil stepmothers and now, here she was, one of two top students in the entire school. She should have been ecstatic, thrilled, anxious, eager. She should have been anything. And yet there she sat, unable to even smile. She felt robbed.

There was a light tapping on Lily's window, shaking her from her thoughts. Not that she minded. Her thoughts weren't a particularly pleasant place to dwell these days.

Lily opened the window and her best friend Anwen Alford's owl, Medea, swooped in. Medea was a 'laughing owl' a species from New Zealand that muggles thought had been extinct for nearly a century. As with most things, the muggles were wrong. They were, however, extremely rare. Anwen's parents didn't have a lot of money but her grandparents did, and, as their only granddaughter, she was spoiled to a fault. Medea was yellowish-brown with chocolate brown stripes and a shock of white feathers surrounding her eyes. She was also unnervingly smart and seemed to anticipate Anwen's needs before she even expressed them.

Medea dropped an envelope on Lily's bed, hooted genially to Lily's owl, Charis, and flew right back out again. Medea was also incredibly efficient. In fact, at times she reminded Lily a little bit of Professor McGonagall. Which was a little creepy when she found out that the professor was an animaguous. She'd even looked it up to make sure that a person couldn't be more than one animaguous. Lily reached for the letter and opened it, seeing writing she only knew all too well. She smiled in spite of herself.

_Lilykins _

_You bitch! You've been back from paradise _ Lily snorted. Paradise indeed. _For three whole days. And here I am, your beloved best friend, pining away at my bedroom window simply hoping for a glimmer of a word from you but to no avail. You can beg for forgiveness when you see me tomorrow but until then, I wanted to arrange things for tomorrow. Meet me in our usual compartment. I don't want to have to go searching for you like I did last spring. What a nightmare! Also, can you make sure you pack your turquoise sweater because I really want to wear it to the first Hogsmeade weekend! I'm going to make that yummy Alistair Wood (you know the Ravenclaw quidditch captain) fall all over himself!_

_Oh and you'll never guess what, Sirius Black is sleeping with Amos Diggory's girlfriend Hannah, you know the Ravenclaw with the really squeaky voice, (I don't even want to picture their sex! ewww) on the sly! We have SO MUCH to talk about. I can't wait to see you. I hope your summer was good. I love you more than peaches and cream. (Though I'd love you more if you'd written!)_

_Your Anabanana_

Lily grinned and rolled her eyes. Anwen was an odd girl, even by Hogwarts standards. Actually, she was complex, that was a much better way to put it. Lily put the letter down and instantly felt a little lighter. She went to her closest and grabbed her turquoise sweater and lobbed it into her trunk. Ahh, the things she did for friendship.

The Evans' sedan was not a small car. They did have a little sports coup and a Mercedes SLK convertible but their GM sedan was not for the faint of heart. In fact, Lily often referred to it, lovingly, of course, as a boat and not the sleek and glamorous kind, either. No, she pictured it as one of those huge, ugly freighters. Yet despite the large, wide seats and unnecessary amount of foot room, on the way to Kings Cross that September morning, Lily felt rather sure that she was suffocating. They had packed the car with surprising ease but it had taken sometime to get her mother, Marigold settled, and the longer it took to get her settled the more unsettled everyone else became.

Marigold had always been an incredible woman. She was breathtakingly beautiful in a way that Lily, who, to be fair was quite pretty would never be, and Petunia would sooner sprout wings (of course with a witch in the family the latter was actually probable). She was also vibrant and athletic. Lily's father had made his money by starting an insurance company. There were now four insurance companies, each employing at least 100 but, as talented as Henry Evans was, it was Marigold who deserved most of the credit. It was she, with her charm and good looks, that made all the right friends, got them into all the right clubs and threw all those parties to impress the right people. She was tireless. She played tennis, skied, rode horses, played golf, was a great cook, was active in charity organizations, threw parties and kept all the people who her ornery husband has pissed off, happy. She wasn't a shallow woman, she simply wanted her daughters' lives to be better than hers had been and she was very good at her job. Lily adored her mother. Worshipped her mother, used to spend hours wishing she could be her mother. But as they drove, Lily looked at her, and I mean really looked at her for the first time the whole summer.

And she felt like a fool.

Of course, to be fair, Lily was gone ten months out of the year and than another few weeks in the Bahamas but looking at her mother now, she felt that last breath of hope leave her body. Once you knew the truth, the fact that her mother was ill was too obvious to ignore.

Lily felt as though she had been pushed to the ground by a school yard bully and the wind had been knocked out her. Her mother wasn't doing any kind of treatment, it had been too late for that, so her hair was still intact, but she may have kept her hair but she had completely lost everything else. She had never seen her mother look so exhausted, quiet, so…limp. She also looked as though she had lost several pounds. With her now dull red hair and almost emaciated body, Marigold Evans was beginning to look suspiciously like Raggedy Ann. Lily, glanced at Petunia, who was thinking along the same lines as she but not concealing it very well. Petunia's eyes were filled with tears and her mouth had dropped open. The situation was about to get really ugly. Lily decided to make the drive if not enjoyable, than at least bearable. And fast.

"So guess what?" Lily asked, trying to sound as much as possible like a normal sixteen year old girl.

"What?" Her mum asked, craning her neck back to see her.

"I made head girl!"

"Lily that's fantastic." Her mother said warmly.

"Well done Miss Lily!" Her grinned at her from the year view mirror. "Isn't that great Petunia?"

"Yeah, just great." Petunia muttered, scowling out the window. Lily frowned at her sister, puzzled, but let it pass. It was hard enough to be thirteen without our mother dying and your big sister overachieving.

'Want to see the badge?" Lily was determined to make this as normal as possible for as long as possible. For her parents' parts, it seemed to be working. For the first time since their father had told them, he didn't look constipated with his face all wrinkled up from strain.

"Absolutely!" Her mum said and Lily placed the badge gently in her mother's hand, trying to keep smiling.

Her face was beginning to hurt.

The rest of the ride passed almost normally, so that, by the time Lily had dropped of her things, hugged Anwen hello and started off to the Head's compartment, she felt alright, not fantastic, but damn near functional. Besides, she had a job to do. She wasn't a little girl anymore. She responsibilities and commitments and no matter how hard it got, she was not going to go crying to anyone. She was a big girl. She could do this. She smiled as though to prove her point and pushed through the door to the compartment. Directly opposite her, staring out the window was a lawless mop of black hair she knew all too well. She crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot.

"Oh for Christ's sake Potter, this the Heads' compartment. Just run along and get Remus so he and I can have our bloody meeting." She snapped as her eyes grazed quickly over the compartment trying to find and filibuster fireworks, dungbombs, or Sirius Black holding something wet or sticky that he was about to spring at her. She found nothing which only annoyed her more because it meant she'd actually have to spend the time to find out what he was up to.

"Language Lily dear. What kind of example are you setting? Suppose there had been children here. " He asked and turned around. His usual annoyingly charming smile already place, showing a slightly chipped tooth that he'd had for as long as Lily had known him. It was a source of great annoyance for her. All he had to do was wave his wand to be rid of it. His laziness really did know no bounds. His smile had reached his eyes, which were crinkled with barely controlled glee.

Oh, and he was wearing a gold badge that read _Head Boy _in antiquated, spindly letters.

"You have got to be kidding me." She said, her head beginning to pound at the very thought.

"Lily, my apple, my… rose…if you will -- 

"I will not!"

"Would I ever kid?" He plunged on, ignoring her comment altogether.

"I refuse to even deign that with a response." She said flatly and sat down opposite him. She felt like crying. She had so much on her plate as it was. She felt like she going to burst and now, on top of everthing else, as if the stress of her mum and the job of being head girl itself, not to mention NEWTs, and then there was the House Spirit committee which she was the head of (which Sirius Black had joined in their fifth year because he thought it was a in-house drinking club) but now she had James fucking Potter to contend with.

Daily.

"You know normally I get paid to babysit." She said icily.

James looked genuinely crestfallen for a moment, but he recovered with infuriating ease. "Well I'd be happy to pay you in Dumbledore's place." He raised his eyebrows suggestively. "Come over here and I'll give your tip now." He winked at her playfully.

"Okay, you know what, I can't deal with this right now, I really can't." she was getting actually upset. Her voice was shaking. James immediately backed off and stared at her, perplexed. Sure Lily hated him, he knew that, but he'd never known her to look so…tired.

He looked at her over his glasses, his wild black hair falling in his eyes. She was staring at her hands. Her breathing was shallow as though she were trying stave off tears. Her hair, which was normally in a perfect bun, fell clumsily into her face. She was clearly upset and though he'd been in love with the girl for three years, he didn't really know anything about her. He did know one thing about girls in general though, and that's that if you don't know exactly how to a handle a particular girl when she's upset it's best not to try it all.

"Look Lily, tell you what, why don't we cut this meeting short and agree to meeting on say," he ran through his quidditch schedule, which he, as captain, had drawn up earlier that morning. "Wednesday night after dinner, that way we're ready to brief the prefects on Thursday?"

Lily looked up, eyes blazing with determination, all pretext of tiredness gone. "NO! I mean…no. I'm just being silly, let's do this now."

James knew exactly how to handle this one because Sirius pulled crap like this all the time. James didn't know what was going on with Lily, but he did know that whenever Sirius was in over his head, he got that exact same look in his eyes. "Yeah but the thing is Evans, I really don't have time right now. I'm in the middle of a… prank with the marauders, you know how these things go." He was normally much better at lying but Lily's presence always seemed to mess him up. It was a good thing the quidditch stands were too far down to make out individual fans or James would never score a single quaffle and he really didn't want to mess with Quidditch. It was the only place he was scoring these days….

Lily seemed to reach his mind. "You're so immature."

James had the good grace to look ashamed, though of course she couldn't actually read his mind.

She shook her head in disgust, though she secretly relieved. "Alright, I'll see you Wednesday in the common room." And she left the compartment.

James watched her go, his hazel eyes following her into the corridor longingly. He sighed and pushed his glassed further up his nose as he stood up.

James was beginning to think he was a masochist, because why else would he put himself through this? The girl clearly hated him, and yet he…well, wait a minute! She hadn't hexed him or even raised her voice! Maybe there was still some hope. Or maybe she was sick or something, but even that could work because now that they had one conversation that civil she'd probably want to have loads more! He grinned perfectly unaware that he was delusional.

He walked into the compartment he shared with the marauders. Remus was reading a muggle book about evolutionary psychology (James didn't even want to ask why, or, for that matter what…) and Sirius was teaching Peter how to change his skin different colours for a prank they intended to use on Snape that night.

"Lo Prongs. Who was the lucky lady?" Peter asked.

"Judging by the look on his face…Evans." Sirius said rolling his eyes. "Will we never be rid of this woman? I mean honestly, it's not enough we have to hear him talk about her all day and every night in his sleep. Now she'll be hanging around all the time."

"It's not every night, Pad." Remus said fairly,

"You don't live with him all year around." Sirius said darkly. "Don't get me wrong mate, I like Lily and all, it's just, well she can be a real bitch to you.

"He usually gives her a pretty good reason though." Peter said through clenched teeth and he waved his wand futily. Sirius waved his wand impatiently and Peter turned a brilliant purple. He grinned. "Thanks mate."

"Don't sweat it. Try moving it more to the left." Peter swished as directed and this time turned a lovely shade of green.

"Jealous?" Sirius laughed.

Peter looked down at his hands and giggled. "Always."

James sat down grandly between the two and began to pass his wand back and forth between his knuckles. "Lads, brothers, fellow legends I have an announcement to make…." He waited until they were all watching him and then cleared his throat obnoxiously. "Gentlemen, I think this year is _the _year."

Remus' gray eyes twinkled. "You say that every year."

"Yes, my furry little friend, but this year is different." He tapped Remus good naturedly on the head with his wand. "I was with her for ten whole minutes –"

"Five." Sirius muttered, and Peter twittered (although it's unclear whether that was from Sirius' crack or because he had finally realized if he swished his wand REALLY far left than he could create polka-dots)

"TEN whole minutes," James glared at Sirius but continued. "And I didn't ask her out!"

"Well I don't know why that's an accomplishment. That always happens to me." Peter said.

Sirius grinned and ruffled Peter's hair. "No worries Pete, that's part of your charm." He said affectionately.

Remus grinned. "Alright mate! Well done! She'll be saying hi to you in halls by Christmas!" James tossed his jumper at him. "So how did it go?" Remus asked, evolutionary psychology entirely forgotten now.

"Well I wouldn't say she'll be proposing anytime soon, o'course that is my job," The other three nodded seriously. "but she didn't hex or yell at me, so I figure that's progress right?"

"Of course at one point, she did look like was going to cry, so I guess that's probably not good, is it?" James asked his face screwed up in worried thought.

"Perhaps they cancel each other out." Peter said seriously. "Which would still leave at even which is better than her telling you she'd rather date animals. Although if she would just ask for a deer instead of a squid next time, you'd be all set."

The other three burst out laughing, completely unaware that Peter had been seriously giving out advice.

"No, but really, what do you guys think?" James ruffled his.

"Eh don't worry, Jamsie. Girls are daft. She's probably just on the rag, or maybe they discontinued her favorite lipstick."

"I don't think Evans where's lipstick." Peter said thoughtfully.

"No, nor do I." Remus said.

Sirius rolled his eyes in frustration. "Honestly you try and comfort a friend…" he muttered darkly before turning back to James. "Look, forget the bloody lipstick. Why don't we go on the pull tonight? Apparently little Cassie Lynch and puberty have finally met?" he raised his eyebrows suggestively. "Besides you've been stroppy all summer. It's time you got out and about."

James rolled his eyes but couldn't help but smile. It was about time Cassie and mother nature were acquainted.

Lily found Anwen sitting all along in the same compartment she had left her. Anwen was one of those girls who was so pretty that basically every girl she ever met hated her on sight. Not the worst problem to have in the world, but unpleasant nonetheless.

Anwen was Welsh through and through. She had perfect, unblemished fair skin, smooth dark hair, naturally red lips, legs that wouldn't quit and an elegance that couldn't be taught. But it wasn't her looks that made her so unpopular. It was her.

Anwen, when you got to know her, was incredibly affectionate, loving and endlessly entertaining. Of course that was when you got to know her, which very few people did. She was cold, aloof and arrogant to people she didn't know. Being pretty, smart, the youngest of two and only girl had made Ann (as she was known to Lily) so secure in her self-worth that she didn't need, or particularly want, validation from others. If her high opinion of herself had come from her pure-blood status, she would have been bosom friends with Bellatrix Black, but Ann wasn't prejudiced. She had equal disdain for everyone. Except Lily, that is. Who, like the few others Ann liked had proven themselves worthy of her time. Lily worked on the innocent until proven guilty system for friendships. In Ann's court, you were guilty until she, the judge, jury and prosecutor had decided otherwise.

Lily and Ann had two other Gryffindor girls in their year Maggie Highland, a half-blood from Kent, and Jenna Beam, a pureblood from London. Lily liked them just fine, but once, in their first year they had made fun of Ann while she was in the bathroom and Lily defended her, though they weren't really friends. Ann had heard everything and had taken a liking to her. It took time, but by the end of their first year, they had become inseparable.

"What's cooking good looking?" Anwen asked without even looking up from her Witch Weekly as Lily strolled in. Ludo Bagman was grinning cheekily from the cover, which read in red block letters CANNON'S STAR SEEKER RISES ABOVE REST as he soared above the players searching for the snitch. Rather bad pun in Lily's opinion.

"Nothing." Lily said, flopping down opposite and rummaging through her backpack for her school clothes.

'What's wrong?" Anwen asked, immediately sensing something in Lily's tone. She seemed to be lacking her usual feistiness.

For a moment Lily opened her mouth to tell her everything. How her mother was dying. How she couldn't bear to watch. How she was afraid that her little sister might never recover. How she was afraid that she might never recover. How she knew her mother would never recover. How her mother's smile could light up a room. How every Saturday her mum would fill the front hall, kitchen and each of the girls' rooms with fresh flowers. How she smelled like vanilla and cinnamon. How scared and lonely Lily was and how, for all of her Gryffindor courage, she had been unable to look her mum in the eye since she had found out.

But nothing came out.

"Everything's all sixes and sevens. James Potter is head boy." Lily said, sighing and her nose (which was slightly too long for her face) was wrinkled up as though there was a bad taste in her mouth. Even while she was complaining about the meeting with Potter, and she did mean every word she said, Lily couldn't help but think that it was the best bad news she'd had in over a month. All time high for James Potter, although she wasn't sure if he'd see it that way.

Anwen threw up her hands in revulsion. "Bloody hell." She muttered in disgust. "I can't think of anything worse." She shook her head in sympathy. "Someone up there sure has it out for you."

Whether she was talking about God or Dumbledore, Lily never knew. At any rate, she was inclined to agree.

**THANK YOU thank you thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed. I like to take time and thank everybody for each review individually or you can scroll down to the authors note….AND now responses to reviews feel free to scroll down…**

HalfBloodHannah – Sorry darling you were second but I do love the enthusiasm! I'm glad you like it so far and thank god your mom's illness was a false alarm!! Keep checking back and let me know what you think!

Erinye – You review touched on exactly why I wanted to write this story. My mom has stage 4 lung cancer and is being taken care by hospice and I have a thirteen year old sibling (though mines a brother and lovely unlike Petunia) so I'm hoping I can make a love story like L/J show the tragedies in live without being over dramatic. Because its life events (both birth and death) that bind us. Let me know if you think the stories going the wrong way, I'd love to hear your feedback!

Like wat u see – Yeah that occurred to me the other day. I mean who knows, maybe they do, but I thought it might be a cool way to explain Petunia's animosity towards her sister, if she blamed lily for "letting" their mum die. Just a thought..

Miss SJB – I'm glad you like the story so far and a special thanks to you for being the first reviewer! Im so sorry about your grandmother but I hope if you keep checking back that there will be some things in here that make you laugh!

**A/N – Well I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it. I tried to make it as long as possible. I know that there's a lot of exposition but I tried to make the conversations as witty and (hopefully) funny as possible. I have a general idea of where I want this to go but there's nothing set in stone so if anyone has any ideas or questions about characters just let me. Also I need a good subplot for either Sirius, or Anwen or both! Also I made a real effort t include Peter as an equal because I think that unless he really was their friend (at some point before Halloween 81 obviously) they would never have made him an animagous with them or secret keeper. Also the title MAD WORLD is from the gary jules song and every chapter subtitle is a line from the song, case youre wondering! The lines DO have significance**

**First reviewer for **_**this**_** chapter gets the next chapter dedicated to them!**


	3. Bright and Early for the Daily Races

**Mad World**

_Chapter Two_

_Subtitled: Bright and Early for the Daily Races_

_Quotation: To be an adult is to be alone. – Jean Rostand_

Sirius Black fell out of the broom closest with a loud bark of laughter. Hannah Prewett, blonde curls and all, landed directly on top of him, giggling wildly.

"Shh." She whispered through her giggles, holding a finder seductively to her lips. She glanced up and down the hall to make sure that they weren't seen. He rolled out from under her and stood up, offering her his hand.

"Don't worry, no one saw us." He said and pulled her roughly towards him, bringing her in for another kiss.

"It's not seeing that I'm worried about." She said, kissing him back lightly.

"Hey I was as quiet as a mouse." He winked at her roguishly.

She rolled her eyes. "I better get going. Same time tomorrow?"

"I'll see what I can do." He buttoned the top button on his shirt.

Hannah smirked. "Right. Tomorrow then. Later Black." She waved and set down the hallway.

Sirius watched her go, enjoying the view before heading back himself. He found the common room empty except for two giggling second years. He traipsed up the stairs and into his dorm.

James lay on his bed on his back, his infamous snitch floating idly above him. Peter and Remus sat cross legged in front of James playing a rather violent game Wizards Chess.

"Bugger!" Peter cried as Remus' knight destroyed his pawn.

"Lo Padfoot." James said lazily not even bothering to look over.

"How was McGonagall?" Remus asked after he'd taken Peter's rook.

"Wouldn't know. Ran into Prewett in the hall. Hey a man's got to have priorities." Sirius said in response to Remus' reproving look.

"I don't know who's going to kill you first, Amos or McGonagall, but I'll pay good money to watch." James said, laughing slightly, not even slightly shocked that his best friend had skipped detention with their head of house to have illicit sex.

"My money's on Minnie, personally. Amos is way too thick to know I'm shagging his girlfriend." Sirius slung his bag onto his bed and began to change out of his school clothes.

"Famous last words." Peter said, snickering slightly.

"How appropriate. Checkmate, wormy." Remus said, and took out his king with relish.

"Fuck off Remus. I hate this game." Peter said huffily, crossing his arms over his chest and looking very much like a toddler who hadn't been allowed the last cookie.

"Don't be like that." Remus said soothingly as he separated the winning pieces from the losers. One of his pawns had become a little too rowdy and was about to get his ass kicked by a very sulky night who was holding him at arms length. Remus chuckled. The pawn reminded him of Sirius as first year. No concept of reality. He began to clean up and shot Peter a small smile but it was too late, Peter had stalked out of the room. Remus sighed.

"Stop babying him, Moony." James said, rolling his eyes as the door slammed shut. "He's our roommate, not kid brother."

"yeah I know I just –"

"Feel bad!" Sirius and James said in unison.

Remus shrugged sheepishly. "So how are things with Hannah?" Remus asked, eager for a subject change.

"First of all, my monogamous little friend," Sirius flopped onto his bed and stretched out luxuriously. "There is no Hannah and me. There is Hannah, her virgin boyfriend Diggory, and me. And as our contact is limited to shagging, snogging, and handing me boomslang on occasion in potions, I'd say it's the best relationship I've ever had."

James snorted. "God it must be hard to be you."

Sirius yawned. "You have no idea."

They sat in a comfortable silence.

"I'm sick of this." James suddenly cried, snatching the snitch for the millionth time that night. We've been back for days and we haven't pulled a single prank."

"Mate I've just wiggled about in a broom closet for an hour –"

Remus raised his eyebrows skeptically. Sirius blushed. "Alright half an hour. The point is I'm dead tired."

"The Slytherins are going to get cheeky." James warned, sitting up as the snitch made a valiant effort to escape from his grasp.

"We're luring them into a false sense of security." Sirius said easily.

Remus caught James' eye and winked. "They'll think we've lost our touch. That James and I have gone soft because he's head boy and I'm a prefect." Remus said as he placed the chest set under his bed.

This got Sirius' attention. His post-sex haze had finally faded and he was thinking clearly again. "Sorry lads, don't know what came over me there. Never thought I'd see the day when you two would have to talk me into a prank. Now I need is for Pete to tell me to stop being so shy with the ladies." He laughed deeply at the thought. He hopped off the bed and starting rummaging through his trunk for a certain piece of parchment.

Sirius' bed was closest to the door, James was next, then Remus, and Peter was on the far side. James and Remus were both oddly neat. Of course Remus was a bit pathological about it. He liked to alphabetize things, James just liked to see the floor. But Sirius was so messy it was hard to where his chocolate frog wrappers ended and his clothes began. Watching him throw things about and remembering just how fragile the Marauders map was, Remus made a mental note to keep it with his things from then on.

Sirius handed the map to James.

"Hey Moony, go get Wormtail. This should cheer him right up." James said, muttering the password and glancing down. "He's sulking in the common room."

A moment later they were all assembled. "So…who's our target?" Remus asked.

"Snape?"

"Nah I'm sick of him. Hey what about Amos Diggory?" Sirius asked, a glint in his eyes.

"You're shagging his girlfriend. You don't think that's humiliating enough?" James popped an Every Flavored Bean into his mouth and laughed.

"Well what about Evans then?" Sirius asked. He asked this every time they had this conversation. He did it partly to piss of James and partly because he actually did want to prank her. She had, after all, done quite the number on his best friend.

James glared at him. "I'm trying to get her to date me. Not kill me."

"Hey I know." Remus said, his eyes lighting up. "After his charming display this summer, how about your adorable little brother?"

Sirius looked up slowly from his map, a maniacal grin spreading over his face. "Brilliant Moony, and I know just what to do."

Lily glanced down and her breakfast and sighed. She hated eggs. She hated them hardboiled. She hated them fried. And she definitely, DEFINITELY hated them scrambled but Ann had overslept that morning and they had gotten to breakfast late. She nudged her food bitterly. Ann chewed her food slowly as her she read the letter she'd just received.

"What does he say?" Lily asked as she sipped her juice.

Ann sighed and put the letter down. Her brother, Aberthol, was school teacher Hogsmeade. He was twenty-six and he and his wife, Grace, had three children. Bronwyn, Ann's favorite, was four. The middle, Gwendolyn, was age two and the new baby boy, Sayer was three months old. "Nothing terribly interesting. Bron is up to her usual tricks. She hit her sister last week and when her mother yelled at her she said 'I didn't do it, my hands did.' Cheeky little thing." Anwen said with no small amount of pride.

Lily smiled. She was immensely fond of that little girl. She looked like sugar but she was all spice. "And Gwen?"

Ann shook her head. "Don't know what I'm going to do with that girl."

"Behaving herself?"

"We'll have to check in on them at the next Hogsmeade weekend Worse than usual. She responds to everything with a 'yes ma'am'. Might be a lost cause.."

Lily nodded seriously. " Absolutely. I mean, what if, God forbid, she learns manners?"

Anwen shivered involuntarily. "We need to put a stop this and fast. Hey, Black!" She called over to Sirius who was cheerfully stuffing his mouth with a huge, fluffy pancake.

"Yes gorgeous?"

"Ca'mere for a sec?"

He swallowed the last of his pancake without even bothering to chew and walked over swinging into the next to Anwen with considerable flair. "How can I be of help?"

Lily grimaced as a spare bit of syrup dripped from his chin onto his shirt.

"Well my big brother has three kids. And the oldest is a great kid and the youngest can talk but the middle one…well there's no easy way to say this…" She paused for a moment as though gathering her strength. "I guess I'd better just get on with it,"

"Sometimes that's best." Sirius said bracingly.

"She's a brown noser."

Sirius inhaled sharply and put his hand over hers. "I'm so sorry Ann."

She pursed her lips and blinked back the tears. "But she's still young, only two. And Lily and I are baby sitting next Saturday."

"We are? You forgot to mention that part!" Lily cried.

Ann held up her hand to silence her. Her eyes never leaving Sirius, pleading with him. "Please say you'll help?"

He looked away, off into the distance and nodded. "For mankind and for the sake of those little children, I'll help. They are our future, after all."

She nodded gravely. "Too true. Too true." She smiled gratefully. "You're so good Sirius Black."

He shrugged. "I only do what little I can. I'll meet you two in the common room Saturday morning. God Bless." And with that he stood up and walked away, dignity itself. Lily stared after him, mouth open, appalled.

"What the hell just happened here?!?" She cried, wondering vaguely if she'd woken up at all this morning after all.

Anwen turned back to her and laughed evilly. She winked ,a wicked glint in her eyes. "What do you think? I just got the marauders to baby-sit. For free. Bring that new issue of Witch Weekly, we have to do something while they change diapers. Oh and your camera. We're going to want to remember this."

Lily shook her head in amazement. "You never cease to astonish me Anwen."

"I only do what little I can." She saccharinely.

Sirius sat back down next to James.

"What was that all about?" he asked, having watched the conversation with no little curiosity. Sirius laughed evilly and a winked, a wicked sparkle in his eyes.

"I just got you a date with Lily."

"You never cease to amaze me Padfoot." Remus said, shaking his head.

"What can I say? I'm just soooo good." He grinned, popped another forkful of pancakes into his mouth and fluttered his eyelashes in a disturbing impression of Ann.

At the other end of the Great Hall, fourteen year old Regulus Black was walking as fast as could, having magically lost the ability to run. This was particularly upsetting for him because every third step he took, he pants fell to his ankles leaving Rah, Rah, Gryffindor emblazoned on his butt cheeks in red and gold (never good colors on him under any circumstances, all the more unfortunate because Regulus had a wee bit more cellulite than he liked to admit). The Marauders burst out into hysterical laughter tears filled Remus' eyes, Peter wet himself (which only James laugh so hard it took him three time to dissolve it because he had fallen to the floor, clutching his stomach). Sirius, in a last moment of inspiration, had conjured a sponge and a bucket of sloshing water to follow Regulus as though trying to help. Regulus kept trying to grab it. It would slip out of his reach and very soon he was running in circles. You might say he was chasing his tail.

At the staff table, Slughorn was laughing outright, and a few of the other teachers, Flitwick, Binns and Dumbledore, were chuckling into their napkins. It took McGonagall a moment to figure out exactly what all the fuss was about but once she had her reaction was instantaneous.

"Black, Potter, Pettigrew, Lupin! **MY OFFICE NOW**!!!" She bellowed so loudly, several of the people surrounding her winced and the entire student body silenced. Sirius and Peter high fived.

"Gentlemen, it's going to be one hell of a year." Remus said as he gathered his things.

"Here, here!"

They walked out of the great hall casually, talking amongst themselves. Pretty little Hannah Prewett watched them go.

Many years later, when someone brought up Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James (or Harry) Potter or even Peter Pettigrew, she never thought of a cold blooded murderer, man who'd lost everything, a hero who died for an even greater one, or a friend who was loyal to stupidity. She thought of them as they were in that moment. Triumphant school boys, already legends in their own time. So powerful they could make Dumbledore laugh hardhearted Regulus cry and self-control personified – Minerva McGonagall -- turn so red from rage that she seemed ready to supernova.

Yes, that's how she would remember them – beautiful, young, laughing, and, in the greatest falsehood of them all, unstoppable.

"Oi, Evans, sorry I'm late!" James called as he slid into the armchair opposite her in the Head's Common Room. She pushed something roughly into her bag and sat up a little too quickly but James didn't notice.

She looked beautiful in the flickering firelight. She was wearing faded jeans, a deep blue long-sleeved tee-shirt and a simple emerald cloak. Her hair was up in a bun but a single auburn tendril had escaped by her ear. He wanted to reach out and touch it.

He was staring.

Even if he hadn't been running it would still have taken him a moment to catch his breath. For once, he was glad he had sprinted because if he weren't flushed already he would have turned a rather embarrassing shade of scarlett. James wasn't the kind of boy who noticed what girls were wearing. Remus was the one what was thoughtful like that, but with Lily, James always noticed. Maybe it was because he spent so much time wondering what she looked like without them…but that was another story. Lily wasn't as pretty as some of the other girls in their year – certainly no comparison to Anwen or even Jenna Beam. Her nose was slightly too long and her dimples were lopsided. She had too many freckles and her bottom teeth weren't exactly perfect but the fact was, James couldn't take his eyes off her.

It hadn't been love at first sight. After all, the first time he'd seen her he was eleven and his biggest turn ons then were comic books, really fast brooms and blowing bubbles in his milk. But when they'd come back for their fourth year everything, or rather something had been different. Or maybe it was nothing had been different. While every other girl had started putting on makeup, perfume and come hither smiles, Lily had stayed the same. She had been, and still was, so real and so…comfortable. You couldn't fake that kind of self-ease. And it had been then, in their fourth year, when James had seen her so clean, so neat, so solely Lily without having to search under Vanilla, and lipstick and push-up bras, and foundation that he had fallen. He still, three years later, hadn't even tried to pick himself up. Course it made things awkward when he'd proclaim his undying love her and she would ask why…uh…because you don't try with your looks??

In time James had come to learn that some things are the way they are and words just can't explain. But try putting _that _into a pick up line.

"Let me guess, a dog ate your sense of direction?" She asked coolly.

"Actually it was a cat." He muttered. Filch had finally caught them and had promptly stolen their beloved Marauders map.

She raised her eyebrows. "Never mind." He said and reached into his bag for some parchment. "So what's the plan."

She breathed an inward sigh of relief. They had been alone together for two whole minutes and he hadn't hit on her. Of course, had she been a legilimens, she might have felt differently, but as it was…

"Well we have to draw up a patrolling schedule. I thought we might as well take Fridays –"

"Fridays!"

"Yes, that way, we only have to do it once a week and no one else will say complain because we've taken the worst day."

"Yeah but what's the point of being heads if we have to take the worst days?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Well the point certainly isn't to simply give a title to the most power hungry students. You're Quidditch captain take out your insecurities there. Besides, after this morning, you'll have detention every Friday until we graduate. Wouldn't you rather spend it patrolling?"

James looked at her oddly. She was being nice to him.

She seemed to read his mind. "I'm not doing you any favors, Potter," she said little more harshly than she had meant or was appropriate. "I just don't want to make my, I mean, our job any harder than it has to be." She had that same look on her face that she'd had on the train. She looked tired…or was it lost? He opened his mouth to say something but then it was gone, so quickly it was though it had never been there before. A new, fresh look of determination had taken its place and James felt at a loss.

"Alright, Fridays it is. God knows I'd rather spend it with you than reminiscing with the good 'ole Slugbug,"

She offered him a small smile and his heart skipped a beat. "Oh I was thinking, we ought to put a points cap on the prefects so we don't have Snape taking 600 from Gryffindor and Diggory adding 400 to Ravenclaw because Hannah Prewett looked nice in her sweater."

Lily looked at him for a moment, impressed. "That's a really good idea Potter. Let's bring it up to Dumbledore at our next meeting. 50 point cap in either direction." She made a note and James made a mental note to thank Remus profusely. That guy was saving his life. Sirius may have gotten all the girls, but in a moon-less world, Remus would have been happily married with kids by now.

They stayed for another hour, ironing out details for their prefect meeting the next day and their meeting with Dumbledore. At quarter to ten, James gathered his things. "You going to stay here?" He asked as she gazed into the fire, clearly on another planet.

"Hmm?" she asked, reluctantly tearing her gaze away. "Oh yes, I've got some things to do." She said vaguely. "If I miss curfew, feel free to take ten points." She offered him a smile that was almost friendly.

Something was off. James opened him mouth to ask. But a part of him was aware how rare a moment like this, a quiet, civil, almost intimate moment, was, and he thought better of it. Besides, there was something in her eyes that almost…begged… for silence. He turned and walked out the door, by way of an intricate tapestry of the lady of the lake where Arthur to this day slumbers.

The tapestry fell back into place and Lily could hear James' soft footsteps padding in distance. When she could no longer hear them, she reached into her back and pulled out a wrinkled piece of parchment.

_Lily, _

It began and alone, in that incredibly beautiful room, in that fairy tale castle, with a magic wand by her side a single, fat, wet tear fell down Lily Evan's average and human cheek.

James flopped onto his bed, the rowdy chatter if his roommates filling the room as Peter did a very funny impression of Professor Slughorn. James laughed mechanically at all the right moments. But despite how spectacularly well the evening had gone, as he lay warm, and comfortable in his bed, in his favorite pajamas (red and black fire-blowing dragons), surrounded by his three best friends, He couldn't shake a distinct, deep and unsettling feeling of unease.

**A/N Alright the good news is that I got seven reviews for the Prologue! That bad news is that I got NONE for the first chapter. It made me SO sad. I knew people had read because of the number of hits (130) but out of 130 hits, NOBODY reviewed. Tear…tear… well anyway I hope somebody will this time. Anyway u really liked this chapter, plus I adore Anwen. Especially when she and Sirius think they're outsmarting eachother. **

**Next chapter we have babysitting, patrols, more Hannah, Dumbledore and jenna beam.**

**Now two quick polls**

**Peter becomes a death eater**

**before Christmas**

**after Christmas**

**after graduation**

**Lily and Remus' secret**

**doesn't find out**

**finds out on her own**

**james/ remus tell her**

**xoxo Firefly**


	4. Children Waiting for the Day They Feel

Mad World

_Chapter Three_

_Subtitled: __Children Waiting for the Day they Feel Good_

Previously on Mad World

_Anwen turned back to her and laughed evilly. She winked ,a wicked glint in her eyes. "What do you think? I just got the marauders to baby-sit. For free. Bring that new issue of Witch Weekly, we have to do something while they change napies. Oh and your camera. We're going to want to remember this."_

* * *

_Three broomsticks tonight? A_

_**No can do. Spirit committee and patrolling tonight L**_

_Tomorrow then, after we finish at my brothers A_

_**Oh alright, but quickly I have a meeting with D on Sunday and I want to get work done ahead of time L**_

_I make no promises. Boys are coming, if they take too long we'll leave them there. You're awfully busy this term Lily. Take a break A_

_**I make no promises L**_

The bell rang and Lily grinned ruefully at Ann, grabbed her books and rushed out of the classroom just slowly enough to hear "Two rolls on height charms due Monday!" from professor Flitwick, who stood atop his desk to be heard. He hated teaching seventh years. Black and Potter acted just like they did when they were first years, only now they were three times his size, and nearly impossibly to control. He looked longingly at his top drawer where he had stored some very potent firewhiskey.

James watched Flitwick climb down onto his chair, cover his eyes and then hop to the ground with a little shriek. It was a cruel twist of fate that Flitwick was afraid of heights because to him, everything was heights.

James ruffled his hair, flung his bag over his shoulder, and whistled as he followed Sirius to the door. A brilliant flash of red pushed past Sirius and Ann, who had been sitting up front, and into the hall.

"Lily late again?" Remus asked. He lifted his wand and unconsciously undid the hex that Sirius had unconsciously cast leaving a very confused third year who, in the course of a single moment had had spiders in her hair and then none. Confusion was a common symptom of anyone in a ten feet radius of the Marauders or, for that matter a rather obnoxious second year named Lockhart. He seemed to have the same effect of people, although it was suspected that his methods were different…

"Well it's really hard to not be late when you double book everything." Ann said as she struggled to get her overflowing bag over her shoulder. Sirius flicked his wand lazily and it immediately floated weightlessly next to her. She smiled at him gratefully. He winked in response. Two fifth year Ravenclaws burst into giggles.

"Should I tell them that was for me?" Ann asked, highly amused, as she tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear.

"No. God no, that will only make it worse. By dinner everyone will think you're shagging." Peter said.

"Can't have that, can we?" Sirius whispered into Ann's ear as he passed her and walked into McGonagall's classroom for his detention. Shivers ran up and down her spine as she watched him go. James having seen the whole thing, laughed to himself and followed Sirius in. Peter glanced at the odd look on her face "Oh God, not her too? This is getting a bit annoying, isn't it?" She heard him whisper to Remus who smirked.

Ann got a hold of herself and walked back towards the Gryffindor Tower, shaking her head slightly. She would never in a million years date Sirius Black but she did see why he got around so much. The man sure did have some raw sexual power. She shivered again and walked up to her dorm.

Shame it was wasted on such a dog.

* * *

Lily ended her meeting early (they had decided definitely on banners for the next Quidditch match and maybe jumpers as well). She trudged up the stairs and found Ann reading Bippity Bopitty Boo: Witches through Muggles Eyes.

"Muggle Studies?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah. It's actually quite interesting. How was your committee?"

Lily sighed and pulled he hair down from her tight bun. "Fine. God, I'm knackered. We've only been back a week but I feel like we should be graduating."

"Here, here." Ann said and put her book down. "Sirius Black hit on me today after Charms."

Lily flung herself onto her bed. "The only thing shocking about that was that it took him this long."

"I knew Hannah couldn't hold him." Ann said smugly.

Lily looked up at her and laughed. "Don't look so satisfied Anwen. No one can hold that man."

Ann scoffed. "I could."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Wanna make it interesting?"

Ann grinned and held her gaze. She held out her hand. "If I can get Sirius Black to say he's in love with me by…" she paused.

Lily smiled sweetly. "Valentines day?"

Ann laughed. "Perfect. Valentines day. If I can get Sirius Black to say he's in love with my by Valentines Day, I win. If I don't you win. We each get to make a list of five things the loser has to do. Those are the terms."

Lily stared down at the outstretched hand and breathed in sharply. "Deal." She shook Ann's hand. "Best of British…you're going to need it."

Ann threw her pillow at her and leaned back serenely. "Oh, I don't need luck, just some time."

'Well then send it back over my way because I've got patrolling with Potter tonight."

Ann grimaced. "Look, you look dead tired. Skive off dinner and take a nap. You're going to collapse on the job tonight."

Lily pursed her lips but nodded. "Yeah alright. Give my best lover boy."

"Ehh tell him yourself at patrols."

Lily threw the pillow back at Ann. "Not my lover boy, yours. Not that Potter is my…bugger it all. I'm TIRED." She whined playfully. "Now get out of here before I ruin your chances of success forever." Lily pointed her wand at Ann's face. Ann jumped up and put her hands in the air.

"Don't have to tell me twice!" She laughed and ran into Jenna Beam as she left. Jenna looked at Lily, amused.

"What are you guys up to?" she asked as she put her books on her bed.

"Just creating unnecessary drama." Lily laughed.

Jenna smiled. She had always liked Lily. "Well I'll see you later, then." Jenna said and decided to head down to dinner. Maybe if she were lucky, she'd run into James Potter too.

* * *

"It's not going to end well." Ann said in a self-satisfied way as she watched Sirius wink at Hannah, who turned a pretty shade of pink.

"What do you know about it, Alford?" Sirius asked, reaching for the last of the pie.

She smirked, wrinkling her tiny up-turned nose. "Enough to know that if I know about it, it can't be long until Amos does."

Remus looked up from his stew, interested. "She's got a point, Padfoot."

Sirius shrugged carelessly. "So what if he does find out? What's he going to do, smile at me?" He laughed arrogantly and swiped Peter's last role.

"Hey!" Peter cried.

"Sorry Pete. I need my strength for the showdown between the big bad underwear model and little old me."

"Sirius, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous of Amos." Ann said slickly, watching, delighted, as his face filled with rage.

"Me? Jealous of him?" he sputtered. "Why on earth would I be jealous of him?"

James walked toward his friends, slung his bag to the floor and sat down next to Remus. "So we're talking about Amos then?" He took a bite of Remus' role and poured himself some pumpkin juice.

"Just because he gets with as many girls as you do –" Remus said soothingly.

"And he's captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team –" said James.

"Whereas you're only a player –" Peter pointed out helpfully.

"It's really no reason to be jealous." Ann finished sweetly, relishing the look on his face.

Sirius huffed wordlessly for a moment before slamming down his drink. "Fuck off, the lot of you." He said hotly and stalked from the table, casting a withering glare at a very confused Amos Diggory.

"So we'll meet you in the common room then?" James called after his retreating figure. Sirius flipped him off. They all burst out laughing.

"Better than plum pudding, he is." Remus said, chuckling. He for one was enjoying his dinner immensely.

"Oh don't forget, you lot said you'd help me mind my nieces and nephew tomorrow." They all nodded benignly, which made Ann very nervous. "Just remember, these are kids we're talking about so please try not to scare them." They all stared innocently back at her. "And only the one sprog wears nappies so I'll worry about him."

"Not to worry." Remus said.

"Yeah we're great with kids. And we'll keep on eye on Sirius, too." Peter said eating what Sirius had left of his stolen role.

Ann eyed them all suspiciously. "Well alright then." She said reluctantly, giving them each one last hard look. "Well I'd better take this up to Lily. She's having a bit of a kip before patrols. Just come around the common room about nine tomorrow? Alright, see you later, then."

The moment she left, Peter reeled on James, furious. "Nappies? Oh, James, you owe us so big." Peter said shaking his wand at James. "We're talking sneaking us food for months!"

"Oh come on Mate, it won't be that bad."

"Look, Lily's great and all but is it really worth making your three best chums chase after a bunch of kids?" Peter had completely lost his appetite. That chocolate pudding was reminding him way too much of this nappy business.

"Look Wormtail, for once this might actually be a good plan. Prongs is not nearly as big headed as he used to –"

"Hey!"

"-be but Lily just hasn't noticed. And there's something about women, they go all soft around kids, I don't know what it is. So if she sees him with those kids, she's going to –"

"-- fall all over herself." James said dreamily.

Remus looked at him doubtfully. "I didn't say that, mate. But she might just see you a bit differently."

Peter still looked very hesitant about this whole plan. "But what if she sees Prongs with those kids and decides she wants those too?"

James looked up at Remus, seriously alarmed. That part hadn't occurred to him. What if they were messing with serious natural forces here?

Remus chuckled lightly. "I said women get a little soft, not totally barmy. These are kids, not heroine.." They still weren't convinced. "Listen you prats, if Lily turns into a crazed, baby-hungry animal than I take full responsibility but look at it this way Prongs, even if that did happen, there's only one way she could get those babies and that'd still be an improvement over where you are now. " With that he stood up from the table and walked away, Wormtail and James sat there for a minute, faces scrunched up in thought. After a moment they turned bright red, grinning slowly with understanding. Maybe there was something to this whole baby thing.

* * *

Lily met James at ten o'clock, and was shocked to see that he had already arrived.

"Alright there, Evans?" he asked, a little nervous. His hand flew automatically to his head and ruffled his hair. She grimaced and walked right past him.

James watched her go, completely at a loss. He had obviously done something to bother her but had no idea what. He had tried really hard to be good today. He'd only hexed that one sixth year all day and Lily hadn't even been around for that. Sighing, he jogged and caught up with her. Only one way to find out.

"Hey Li-Evans, what did I do? I was perfectly nice to you and you gave me a bad look and kept walking."

Lily stopped walking and looked at him closely for a moment.

"Er- whatcha doing?" James asked, try to be casual.

"Trying to figure out what your angle is." Suddenly her face relaxed and she smiled. James tentatively smiled back. Wrong thing to do. "I get it. You make me think you're all sensitive and misunderstood and I release you to play all the pranks you want."

"Er-" James was seriously confused now and backtracking as fast as he could. He went through everything they each had said, twice. Nope, no matter how he put it together he had no idea how Lily had gotten that entire plan from him asking how she was. It was moments like this when he hated women.

"What?" he asked finally, frustrated with this whole thing, all she had to say was, 'I'm alright.' Maybe even a 'How are you today James?' but no she had to get all weird and over analyzing on him. His angle? Honestly, they were in the charms corridor not a casino. And they hadn't even finished their first corridor.

"Never mind." Lily said and pushed past him again. "Oh and it's because I hate it when you ruffle your hair."

James stood still again, completely confused. "What?" James called but there was no answer.

Half-way down the hall, Lily smiled slightly to herself.

* * *

"So what's the plan for today?" Lily asked as she stared quizzically at her reflection. She waved her wand and it flew up into a ponytail. She waved it again and it sat muss-free around her shoulders. She frowned and repeated the process. Ann watched her and rolled her eyes, waving her own wand. Lily's hair arranged itself into a half-ponytail. Lily nodded, pleased. "Split the difference, I like it." She said and turned away from the mirror.

"Anyway I thought we'd let the blokes run the kids ragged and we'd watch the baby." Ann said, settling on a royal purple jumper and jeans. Not that it really mattered, Anwen made potato sacks look fashionable. Lily hated her. "You're not wearing that, are you?" Ann asked, horrified, staring at Lily's cardigan.

Lily looked at it, confused. Sure, it wasn't the most attractive thing she owned. Alright it was hideous, but her grandmother had knit it for her and it was warm. "We're just babysitting, Ann."

"The boys will take the mickey right out of you if you do." Ann warned, blotting her lipstick.

Lily scowled but changed into a far more flattering white shirt, muttering the whole time something that sounded a lot like prat and James Potter.

They found the boys in the common room tossing a quaffle around. James pelted it at Peter's head, and instead of throwing it back, Peter tackled him and that's how they found them: James and Peter wrestling and Sirius taking bets from surrounding students. Ann rolled her eyes, pointed her wand and the boys flew apart.

Sirius grinned wickedly. "Sorry folks." He told the crowd. "All bets are final and since no one won…" he counted his galleons with relish. "House wins. Better luck next time." There were several groans and one fourth year looked downright murderous, but Sirius flashed him his wand and he thought better of it. "Ann, my love, you just won me 15 galleons. Brilliant splitting them up like that, I was just going to take a cut but far better. We should do this more often." He put his arm around her. Ann shrugged him off. He grinned even wider.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for gambling, Black." Lily said, though a small smile had crept onto her face. "And ten points off for fighting." She glared at them. James shrugged sheepishly.

"He started it." Peter mumbled.

"You don't say." She said dryly and offered her hand to James who was still sitting on the ground looking rather sullen but was not about to pass up a chance for contact with Lily.

They walked out of the common room, Sirius and Ann walking through the portrait last. Ann knew an opportunity when she saw it. She leaned in closely enough for Sirius to feel her breath on his neck. "I expect half, Black." Ann whispered huskily, winked and walked past him, leaving him slightly dazed with one hell of a view.

* * *

They'd snuck into Hogsmeade without any trouble and found Aberthol's house with little trouble. It was set back from the road and the picture of domestic bliss. Two stories, perfect symmetry, white picket fence, black shutters and a little garden out front. Lily thought it was charming. Ann couldn't stand to look at it.

"I know, it's horrid." Ann whispered to Sirius. "Just try not to look directly at it."

"It looks like the Brady Brunch threw up." Peter said looking at the whole thing distastefully.

James, Ann and Sirius stared at him confused.

"It's a muggle thing." Peter said, shrugging.

Ann rapped lightly on the door and tall man with Ann's nose, tired eyes and a mischievous smile answered. "Hey, thank god you're here. The kids are in the next room. Sayer needs to be fed in an hour and every three hours after that. Bottles are in the fridge. Mary already made lunch so just serve it and I should be back a little after four." He grabbed his coat, kissed his sister on cheek and apparated with a soft pop.

"In a rush, I guess." Lily said and walked into the house. The boys exchanged looks and followed them in.

"Ow!" A beautiful little girl with dark pigtails cried. "She pulled my hair." She burst into tears and grabbed Ann's leg.

"I've got this one." Sirius said and scooped her up, tossing her on his shoulder and running madly out the door and into the back yard.. All crying gone, the girl shrieked happily.

"That one's Bronwyn!" Ann called.

"Got it!" He yelled back as he brandished his broomstick form his pocket and enlarged it.

"I better go watch them." Ann said and followed them outside.

"I've got that one." Peter said, pointing to a much smaller girl who was playing politely with her blocks.

"Her name's Gwen, Pete." Lily said as Peter sat down next to the little girl and introduced himself. He put a block on top of her pile which she promptly removed.

"Don't be silly, Peter. That doesn't go there." She said with such gravity that Peter was tempted to laugh.

Lily scowled. She was stuck with him again. As if patrols weren't bad enough. James smiled at her bravely. "I guess that leaves us with the baby." He looked warily that the kicking form in a light blue moses basket.

"Come on, we'd better go in the kitchen." She said and picked up the basket. The baby cooed softly inside, his small fists waving. "You're such a big boy, Sayer." She said and lifted him up. James summoned some tea and they sat down. "So why didn't Remus come?" Lily asked as she rubbed the baby's back.

"Mum's sick. She's always sick the poor guy." James said, shaking his head slightly.

Lily stiffened a little bit, and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Her head was beginning to hurt. This was getting a little ridiculous. No matter where she went or what she did she never seemed able to escape her mother. Some people heard their mothers in their heads, Lily heard her in everybody around her.

"You alright there, Lil?" James asked.

"Hmm? Oh yeah just spacing out, I guess." She smiled weakly.

"That entertaining am I?" James asked wryly.

"When you're not blowing up things you're not half bad."

"You know you love it." He said, smiling at her charmingly.

"Oh yeah, I just can't get enough of you." She rolled her eyes.

"Well when you put it that way…You know Lily there's always room for you over here." He patted his knee. Her manner changed in a instant. She shut down. Potter, was reckless though and he's not yet learned that that stony look in her eyes meant run for the hills.

"Why do you always do this Potter?" She cried but immediately regretted it because the baby began to whimper. She jiggled him up and forth soothingly.

"Do what?"

"Turn everything into sexual innuendo. You're a creep. I can't talk to you for more than five minutes without feeling dirty." She said resentfully and the baby began cry in earnest, her harsh tone scaring him.

"That may say more about you than me, Lily darling." How he managed to maintain that smug look while being completely humiliated was one of the great mysteries of James Potter, but he did.

"Like that!" She cried completely exasperated. "God Potter, I have enough to deal with, without wanting to join a nunnery every time I see you! Just get out of here!" She shouted, as the baby wailed in her arms. "Get out!" her face was now as red as her hair. "Please stop crying," she whispered to the baby, a little desperate. "Please, Sayer."

Sirius and Ann had come in just as the argument started and they had gotten to the kitchen in time to see Lily holding a screaming baby and looking livid and James trudging ashamedly towards the front door.

"Do you suppose it's foreshadowing?" Peter asked, picking Gwen, who had been tugging his arm, up.

"For his sake, I sure hope not." Sirius said grimly as he watched Ann take the baby from Lily, who promptly burst into frustrated tears.

* * *

You could have cut the tension with a knife in Dumbledore's office, but the headmaster seemed blissfully unaware. His hair was now completely gray with the odd streak of auburn, instead of vice-versa and he stared at two of his favorite students with benign smile. Lily sat stiffly in her chair, her arms crossed over her chest. Her jaw was set at and angle and even her freckles looked mad. James was gripping the arms rests of his chair, tapping his foot impatiently and looking ready for a fight.

In the 24 hours since the babysitting debacle he had been out for blood, literally. He'd gotten in three old fashioned fist fights, and won, though he still sported a black eye as a souvenir. He had also dueled with four Slytherins and a Ravenclaw. Lily chose a subtler approach. She'd taken off a total of three hundred points in a single day for everything from gum chewing, to loitering to lose ties. Even McGonagall thought she was being a little over zealous but since real rules had been broken, no matter how obscure they had been, she couldn't interfere. For the student body's part, they were pretty sure that both heads had gone completely mental.

But Dumbledore wasn't in the habit of discussing his students' personal lives. "Well." He said cheerfully, after he had offered them both gum drops, and they'd discussed all the usual business. "Well, one last thing. I won't keep you long. I just wanted to tell you that Professor McGonagall has informed of the prefect vote for a Halloween Ball and I just thought I'd tell you that we professor have voted and you two with be planning it." It was as though he had spoken to stone. Both students were furious with this reaction but neither was going to give the other the satisfaction of knowing it. They stared stonily back him. He smiled merrily.

"Very well, it's all settled." He said. "You may go but Miss Evans I would like to have a word with you."

James left without even acknowledging Lily. The professor looked at her sadly. "You're wrote me. I wish you had said something Miss Evans. We could have accommodated you a little sooner."

"I didn't want any special treatment." She said stiffly. _And I don't want to talk about it, either. _

He nodded. " Very well but so that you may see your mother on a regular basis, knowing how short your time is, we've connected your parents' fireplace and the fireplace in the heads' common room to the floo network. Some floo powder had been provided in the urn on the mantle. To get home simply toss it in the flames and yell tigerlily and to get back yell tiddlywinks."

This got a smile out of Lily. "Tiddlywinks, sir?"

"Well we can't very well have it be Hogwarts can we? Then everyone would just floo to Hogwarts. We'd put the Hogwarts express out of business." His eyes twinkled.

"Yes, sir."

"Oh and Miss Evans, may I suggest telling one of your friends? You may feel better." He looked at Lily significantly. Lily chose to ignore it.

"I'll think about it professor." But they both knew she was lying.

* * *

_Meanwhile in the dining hall_

"So, you'll go out with me then? How about eight o'clock?" James asked, smiling slightly.

Jenna blushed to the roots of her dirty blonde hair, her blue eyes sparkling prettily in the candlelight. "Eight's perfect." She said.

**A/N – I feel like this chapter is a pretty good length and I got to introduce some good intrigue. Next chapter, Anwen tries to win her bet, James dates Jenna, Lily spends some time with her family and James gets curious. Stay tuned! Thanks to everyone who has stayed with it so far!**

**See that pretty little button right there  
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**\/ Push it and something magical will happen!  
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	5. He Looked Right Through Me

**Mad World**

**Chapter Four**

**Subtitled: **_**He Looked Right Through Me**_

Quotation: _Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. Paulo Coelho_

* * *

Something was missing. She had her homework, she'd written her sister, her bed was made. What on earth was she missing? Lily checked her clothes. She had on all her clothes. Not that she was in the habit of going to class half naked. But still, something was definitely not right. She sighed and hitched up her bag.

"Coming Lils?" Ann called, halfway down the hall already.

"Yeah, coming." She jogged after her. As they neared the Charms classroom she saw James Potter standing in the corner, bending over. What was he doing? As they got closer, she saw a glint of gold. He was snogging Jenna Beam. Ann whistled obnoxiously and laughed raucously as they entered the classroom.

There was an icky feeling in the pit of Lily's stomach. She couldn't place it exactly. It felt…well… she didn't want to think about what it felt like. The point was, she knew what was missing now.

James Potter. He hadn't looked at her once all day, a lifetime record for them. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. It's not as though she missed him. Not exactly. It's just when someone hangs around you every minute of every day for three years, well, you begin to kind of think of them as yours. Not that that was right of course. She knew he didn't belong to her and if she had wanted him to, he would have belonged to her properly years ago. And yet, she kind of wanted to strangle Jenna, who she had always liked. Lily put her head on her desk, shaking it miserably. She was so confused these days. She wouldn't be surprised if she was actually in love with Peter but was too screwed up to even realize it.

James watched Lily out of the corner of his eye and furrowed his brow in confusion. Something was really wrong with her. She'd been off all year. Her losing her temper in Hogsmeade over the weekend, that was perfectly in character, but Sirius said she had cried afterwards, which was something, he was sure she'd never done before.

And then there was that hopeless look in her eyes that she got sometimes. It scared the hell out of him. Like she was about to do something really stupid. And here was she was, in the middle of her favorite class, looking like she wanted to die. What was going on with her? Not that anyone else seemed to notice. To be fair, 90 of the time, she seemed perfectly fine. It was the other 10 that worried him. Which is why he stayed away.

He wasn't punishing her by dating Jenna. He wasn't trying to make her jealous. But when they had fought in Hogsmeade there had been something so desperate in her eyes. She had begged him to leave her along. That had never happened before. Sure, she had yelled, hexed, ignored, snapped and rolled her eyes before, several times each, in fact, but never begged.

He shook his head. He'd figure it out somehow. All in good time. He sighed and grinned charmingly at Jenna, who had been staring at him. He winked and she blushed. Well as far as distractions went, he reasoned, this one sure wasn't half-bad. Plus he liked her.

* * *

Sirius was on top of the world. There was something about impromptu sex behind the Quidditch field that really put a spring in his step.

"Tarazed, m'dear." He said cheerfully to the portrait. The fat lady raised her eyebrow.

"Well aren't we just sunshine and daffodils." She said yawning as it swung open.

Sirius entered the common room and found Ann curled up in an armchair looking distinctly catlike.

"Hola, black." She said, not even bothering to look up from her book. He plopped down on the floor next to her.

"How'd you know it was me?" He asked, sitting next to her and turning his head sideways. "The Ins and Outs of Apparition, huh? Studying up for your license?"

"Yep. So," she put the book down. "How was your shag?"

"Brilliant. Diggory doesn't know what he's missing. How'd you know?" he smiled roguishly

"Lucky guess." She said, but pulled out a condom rapper that had been sticking out of his robes.

He winked at her. "Care for a go next?"

She smiled demurely and beckoned him towards her. For a moment his eyebrows shot up in surprise but the prettiest girl in school was trying to kiss him, so who was he to complain? He leaned forward. She beckoned him even closer, and then closer still until they were touching noses. "Wanna know what I think?" she breathed into his ear.

Sirius grinned broadly. He could hardly believe his luck. "What?" he whispered back, sounding downright eager. She laughed lightly in his ear. His palms began to sweat and his heart was racing. God he wanted her.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" She leaned back from him, breaking the connection and bite her lip lustily. And then suddenly the moment was gone. As quickly as she had turned it on, she had turned it off. She grabbed her book, stepped over him and skipped up the stairs, leaving Sirius in a complete daze.

Remus walked by a moment later and found him still sitting at the foot of that armchair, staring up the girls' staircase.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "A hurricane."

Ann walked into the dorm, as Jenna and her best friend Maggie Highland were just leaving. She walked right past them without even acknowledging them just as she had every day for the past seven years. They rolled eyes but said nothing.

"So be prepared to pay up." Ann said smugly as she thought of all the things she was going to get.

Lily's head shot up from the parchment on which she had been doodling. "No, you didn't get him to say it already?"

Ann smiled. "Not yet but poke you head out the door and take a look down the staircase."

Lily flew to the door and saw a stunned Sirius staring up the stairs while Remus tried to talk to him. Lily laughed and shut the door. "Well done, except you forgot one thing."

Ann began to file her nails. "What's that?" she asked lazily, trying to decide between red and pink.

"Lust isn't love. He wants you alright but that's not the hard part. Getting him to keep you is the hard part."

Ann shook her head. "Oh Lily, Lily, Lily. You just wait and see. I have it all worked out."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I've got a plan."

"What are you going to do? Slip a love potion in his pumpkin juice? Which by the way is not allowed!"

Ann shook her head. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm going to do it the old fashioned way. I'm going to make his beg."

* * *

Lily took a deep breath and took some floo powder out of the urn above the fireplace. She straightened her robes as best she could and smoothed back her hair. "Tigerlily." She shouted and throwing the powder down. She felt that familiar turning sensation and for a moment thought she was going to be sick. A moment later it was all over and she had rolled on the ground of her parents living room, covered in soot and coughing. She righted her self and whispered "Augumenti." She was soaking from head to toe but she was clean. She felt like a drowned rat.

"What the hell?" her father asked, appearing in the doorway. "You wrote that you were coming for dinner, you didn't say you were going for a swim first!"

Lily ran a hand through her sodden hair tiredly. "Just a sec, dad." She said and shook off her dripping wand hand. "Sitis." She whispered, jabbing her wand at her robes, they immediately dried although she went a bit overboard. Her robes had shrunk an inch or two and they were warm to the touch.

"Drought charm." She said by way of explanation. He stared at her for a moment. Mr. Evans had never actually seen his daughter do magic since she'd only come of age in August and it wasn't as though she walked around the house casting spells. He was a little out of his element. So he did what any father would do, he changed the subject.

"Marigold! Lily's here."

Lily followed her father into their spacious dining room where Lucy, their cook, had already laid out dinner. "Hi mum." She said, and kissed her gingerly on the cheek. She looked so thin Lily was partly afraid she would push her over, but was relieved to feel that she was still warm when she pressed her lips to her skin. Part of her had feared…well it was best not to dwell.

Lily looked over and saw Petunia sitting across from the table, her elbows up, her chin resting on her hands. "Hey, Pet!" She said brightly, but Petunia just scowled back.

"Lucy's really outdone herself." Lily said, trying to keep it upbeat as she bit into her salad with homemade avocado dressing.

"Yes, she's been working on this recipe –" But she stopped as a coughing fit overcame her. A violent one. She doubled over and grasped her chair.

Lily looked helplessly at Petunia who was starting determinedly out the window, and then to her father who was looking on benignly as though nothing were happening. Though, upon closer inspection, Lily could see him clutching his fork, his knuckles white. Lily grasped her wand, the only thing that kept her from feeling completely helpless and arranged her face in a smile much like her fathers. It was awful, horrific, the whole night was the stuff of nightmares. Although, to be fair, the dressing had been damned good.

A/N – **shorter than my others, but it's moving along! Next chapter, James and Amos get suspicious, Lily gets exhausted, Ann takes her plan to the next step, and Peter and Remus watch it all go down. Thank you to everyone who's been reading and reviewing. Every day I look forward to sitting down and just writing. So I tried to get this out as quickly as possible. Xoxoxo - Firefly**

Please review! Thanks!!


	6. I Find it Hard to Take

Mad World

Chapter 5

Subtitled: I Find it Hard to Take

Quotation: No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln

* * *

We all have bad days; the kind where you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. You don't want to get out of bed. Your best friend annoys the hell out of you and your family brings you to tears. You want to go to sleep and wake up when it's over and you'd be perfectly willing to stop breathing if only your lungs would stop expanding like you asked them too. Lily Evans was having a bad month. Well, a bad month and half to be exact.

By mid-October she had stretched herself to the breaking point. Every morning she went to breakfast, classes, had some sort of meeting with the spirit committee, or the prefects, or James, or Dumbledore, sometimes two in one night, and then she flooed home for a few hours and then lied about it to her friends. The lies were becoming especially wearing. Coming up for an excuse for her disappearance every night was exhausting. If she said she was in the library, she had to be careful that Remus hadn't actually been there. She could only say she was in the Heads' common room on nights when James had practice. She could only say she was in her room if Ann had been out seducing Sirius. Tracking everyone's schedules and making up excuses accordingly was really hard work.

But the alternative, coming clean, made her feel sick. She could barely think about her mother. The idea of actually talking about it was too much too bare.

She and James were planning the Halloween ball for the fourth night in a row on one chilly October evening. James was stretched out on the couch in the heads' common room and Lily sat cross legged in a large armchair, her long red hair coming out of it's braid and falling into her face.

"So, we have the band, you'll be doing the invitations and we'll start on the decorations after dinner on the 31st. Anything else?" Lily asked, smoothing her hair.

James stared up at the ceiling and sighed. "We just have to wrangle the prefects into helping us decorate, but we can do that at the next meeting."

Lily nodded, and glanced at her watch. She wanted to get home before her mum went to bed. "So that's it, then?"

James hoisted himself up. He looked at her. There were bags under her eyes and they had lost some of their brilliance, though they flickered prettily in the firelight. Her skin was sallow and while she'd never been fat, she had once looked very healthy, but she had lost about ten pounds and her clothes hung loosely around her. "Lily –"

"So that's it. I'll see you tomorrow!" Lily said brightly, determined to cut him off. She knew what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it.

James got up reluctantly. "Yeah. See you tomorrow." When he was halfway to the door, he stopped and turned. For a moment he seemed as though he were going to say something, but he thought better of it and headed to the tapestry. He was ten steps down the hall when he realized he had forgotten his bag. He glanced at his watch. He was late to meet Jenna.

"Shit." He muttered and sprinted back into the room. But Lily wasn't in there. A flash of green caught his eye and he saw her red hair swirling in the green flames in the fire. She was flooing somewhere. A moment later she was gone. Confused, he grabbed his bag and headed to the hall. What the hell was going on? He knew for a fact that none of the fires in Hogwarts were connected to the floo network, except maybe Dumbledore's. He and Sirius had tried to floo to the Three Broomsticks in their second year but had had to find another way, hence the one eyed witch. What was she up to? Had she somehow broken school rules to the point where she'd tamper with Hogwarts? For one brief second, James thought she might be a death eater, but that thought left him as soon as it came. Still the question remained, where was she going and why? He was going to find it out, and he knew exactly how.

* * *

"Hannah, doll, would you pass me the boomslang?" Sirius asked as he stared quizzically at his cauldron.

His partner since Slughorn had split he and James up permanently in the third year, searched through her ingredients and handed over a small vile. He winked at her and she grinned back.

Anwen was sitting at the table behind them watching the exchange thoughtfully, her curly dark hair falling unruly out of her bun. She grinned at Lily and mirrored his wink as she removed her robes leaving only her sweater and rather short skirt. "Professor?" She called moving through the aisle towards Slughorn's desk. She dropped her quill just in front of Sirius and Hannah's desk and bent down slowly and fully to get it. Sirius, being only a man, dropped his ladle with a large clatter and watched her. You could practically see the drool forming. "Excuse me." She said and turned back to him, grinning sheepishly.

"Quite-" Sirius voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "Quite alright."

"Professor, can you take a look at my potion?" Ann asked, completely the walk to his desk. In her seat, Lily giggled and exchanged looks with Remus who rolled his eyes.

Remus and Peter, though they knew nothing of the bet, had been watching Ann and Sirius' interactions for several weeks.

"That'll be two galleons." Peter said, smirking as he held out his hand expectantly. Remus scowled but paid up. He and Peter had been having a daily bet of their own. Last night Peter said Ann would have pulled a stunt like this by lunch, Remus by dinner. Peter won.

"Double or nothing, he comes onto her at lunch." Peter whispered, sprinkling some hellebore on his potion.

Remus shook his hand. "You're on."

Sirius cleared his throat as he reached for another goblet of Pumpkin juice. "So Annie, care for a stroll after classes?"

Next to him Peter grinned and held out his hand. Remus grimaced and fished into his pockets. "I only have three. I'll pay you next time we go into town." Peter shrugged and pocketed the money.

"It's Ann or Anwen, never 'Annie" and no thank you." Ann said coolly, helping herself to dessert.

Lily and James sniggered but for different reasons but Sirius didn't even notice. He stared at her completely confused. She came onto him every time they saw each other but she didn't want to hook up. And here she was, turning him down in front of everybody without so much as an explanation.

"Fine, have it your way." He said, beginning to sulk.

"Lils, want to go for a fly later?" Ann said, ignoring Sirius entirely.

"Can't, I've got spirit committee. The first match is this weekend."

"Well how about after that? You hardly ever get out anymore."

Lily chewed her chicken thoughtfully. "James and I have a meeting."

James looked at her discreetly. They most certainly didn't have a meeting, but he wasn't about to mess up her carefully woven web of lies. He smiled benignly. He was going to find out what was going on once and for all.

As they headed towards Transfiguration, Ann walked with Remus and Peter and Lily hung back a little, lost in her thoughts.

"Hey, Lily!" he called and ran after her to catch up.

"Yes?"

"Look about tonight's meeting, I forgot all about it until you said something in lunch and I'm really behind in potions. I was going to use tonight to catch up. Can we reschedule?" He smirked inwardly. Two could play at this game.

"Hmm? Oh, sure." Lily said.

"Great." He jogged ahead and caught up with Sirius.

Lily watched him go and sighed. Thank god he was so thick. Well, she was safe. For now.

* * *

The boys lay lazily in their room. Sirius reached under his bed and pulled out two handles of firewhiskey. He conjured four glasses and passed them around.

"Thank god. It has been one hell of a week." Peter said, gulping his greedily.

"You're telling me. I'm flat broke." Remus said, shooting Peter a dirty look which he blissfully ignored.

James swished his around thoughtfully, sipping it every few moments.

Sirius pounded two glasses and began to pour himself a third when he burst out. "What the hell is going on with Anwen Alford!"

Complete silence followed this statement followed by a huge explosion of laughter.

"What?" he asked, helplessly. "She flirts with me constantly but doesn't want to get with me! I don't get it!"

"Maybe she likes you, mate." Peter said, hiccupping slightly.

Sirius scowled. "I just said that."

Remus chuckled. "No. Maybe she likes you likes you. Not to sound like a second year."

Sirius continued to stare blankly at them.

"Do we have to draw you a picture?" Peter asked, exasperated.

"Maybe she wants to go on an actual date." Remus said, rolling his eyes.

This floored Sirius. "Uh? Um?...right." He pounded his drink and began to poor a fourth, his pouring getting a little sloppy.

Remus and Peter exchanged amused looks.

"Alright, maybe I will then. Maybe I will."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"I'm not nearly drunk enough for this." Peter said. And reached for the handle he shared with Remus. "And they say I'm the dumb one." He muttered.

James finished his drink, having heard little of the conversation. He stole a glance at the clock and jumped up, reaching into his trunk and grabbing his bag. "I've got to go, later mates!" And he practically flew out the door.

"Where are –" Remus called but the door was already swinging close. He shrugged. "Oh well, more for us."

* * *

James slipped on his invisibility cloak as he approached the heads' common room. He whispered the password and the tapestry slid aside. He walked in to find the common room empty. Lily wasn't due out of her meeting for another ten minutes. He settled himself in the corner, waiting.

At exactly seven, Lily walked into the common room. She stopped for a moment and pulled her hairband out, her long hair flowing down. She put her hand on her neck and arched her head back, moaning slightly as she released the tension. Goose bumps covered James' skin as he watched her. There was something almost voyeuristic in this. He felt a little dirty but he couldn't take his eyes off her.

Sighing deeply, Lily walked to the mirror on the far wall and took out her wand. She muttered a few spells and her hair immediately smoothed down. As she turned, James could see her bags and she looked, healthier. He suddenly felt a little sick. That's why she always looked better in the morning. She'd been using a revision spell to make her look like she used to but by night it always wore off. She walked to the urn above on the mantle and took out some floo powder.

"Tigerlily." She shouted and began to whirl at a nauseating pace before disappearing completely. James stood up, still in his cloak and traced her footsteps. His heart was beating painfully. He took a handful, feeling the coarse, cool sand in his hands and took a breath to steady himself.

In a matter of moments he'd know what had been going on all term. It was now or never. "Tigerlily." He repeated, feeling the flames engulfing him.

* * *

**A/N – A tiny little cliff hanger. Will he figure it out? Will Lily find him? Will they ever get together?? Annyway, I loved writing this chapter. It's been a lot of fun! And a special thanks to Halfbloodhannah who is probably the most faithful reviewer who has ever lived. **

**Miss SJB – Yeah I'm having fun with Ann's reading material. Well, really, I'm having fun with Ann in general. I wish she were real, I'd totally be her friend. **

**Hello.I'mMarySue- Yeah Lily's having a rough time, but she'll have some amazing times too, which, while they may not make up for them, should balance things out.**

**Halfbloodhannah – I can't stand Amos. He's soo….whiny. Anyway we'll be seeing him in the next chapter. **

**Till next time….**

**Firefly**


	7. Hide My Head

Mad World

_Chapter Six_

_Subtitled: Hide My Head_

_Quotation: Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying 'I will try again tomorrow' Unknown_

* * *

_**Previously on Mad World: **_**In a matter of moments he'd know what had been going on all term. It was now or never. "Tigerlily." He repeated, feeling the flames engulf him.**

* * *

James coughed as the soot rose into the air but immediately clapped his hand over his mouth. He looked around. He was alone, in a large living room, a beautiful living room, the kind of living room his mother would have been proud of. Directly opposite him was a large leather couch, which sat directly behind a deep mahogany coffee table. Next to a couch was a matching end table. He was in Lily's house.

James sat up quietly and glanced down. He was still invisible. For a moment he had been afraid that is cloak had whirled off him. Stranger things had happened. He stood up and walked towards the end table. There were two picture frames on it. The first was of two girls on horses. The first one was blonde, terrified and looked to be about three years old. The second girl had brilliant red hair, plaited neatly under her helmet. She grinned, revealing a missing front tooth. He knew that smile with any set of teeth. Lily.

The second picture was of Lily from about fifth year. In a knee-length white dress, she was sprawled in a field of wild flowers, her whole face alight with laughter. James forgot himself for a moment and picked up the frame. She took his breath away. But then she always head. He took out his wand and tapped the frame lightly. An exact copy of the picture poked out of his wand, unfurling slowly with a deep his. He glanced at the picture and pocketed it.

In the next room he heard some light laughter, he whirled around, but was still alone. Sighing quietly, he put the frame back exactly as it was. Pulling out his wand, he performed a silencing charm and walked normally towards the laughter, without making a sound. It was an odd sensation, feeling his feel meet the floor and hearing nothing. The living room led to a large, brightly lit hallway with periwinkle wallpaper and hardwood floors. The walls were lined with pictures of Lily and someone he assumed was her sister.

The noises were getting closer and he saw an open door on his right. He slid in and his heart gave a great thump as he saw Lily, kitty-corner to him, holding her fork thoughtfully. A small, frail looking woman with carrot colored hair sat next to her. A man sat with his back to James on her other side and the girl from the photos sat opposite her.

James stared at Lily in confusion as she talked over enthusiastically to her sister. She had been coming home? That was her great secret? None of this made sense. He had expected something wild and spectacular like a hidden unicorn.

The woman who James assumed was Lily's mother began to cough dangerously. It took all his self-control not to reach forward and steady her. He looked to Lily in horror but she continued to smile, seemingly both blind and deaf, though, as he looked closer, he could see the strain in her eyes.

"I'd better go up to bed." The woman said hoarsely, still grasping her chest.

"Shall I help you, mum?" Lily asked, folding her napkin neatly and half out of her seat.

"No, that's quite alright, darling. Finish your dinner. I'll see you tomorrow. Katie can help me." And as if by magic, though it was actually just really good service, a short, freckled girl, with ruddy cheeks appeared and grasped Lily's mother by the arm.

"Goodnight mum." Lily said, her voice so cheerful it was painful to listen to. "See you tomorrow."

"I'm going to bed too." The blonde girl said after a moment, pushing her plate away.

"Night Petunia." Their father said. She waved blandly and disappeared out the door.

James bit his lip as he watched as Lily placed her head in her hands.

"The cancer spread to her brain." Mr. Evans said flatly.

Lily nodded miserably. She opened her mouth as though to say something but Katie reappeared at the door. "Call for you Mr. Evans. It's urgent."

Her father threw his napkin the table, clearly fighting to keep his self-control. For one, horrible moment James thought he'd lash out on the poor maid, but instead he breathed in deeply. "I'll take in my study, Katie." And he stood up from the table.

"I'll just head back then." Lily said. Her father waved in response leaving Lily very much alone. Or so she thought. Tears fell softly and slowly down her cheeks. She wasn't sobbing. She wasn't making a sound.

James was transfixed. He knew he should leave but he couldn't. He never meant to invade her privacy like this. For some reason, he thought Lily was out on a lark. Like secret shopping sprees And standing there, silently watching the girl he loved, the girl he had always loved, looking so lost, so incredibly sad, James felt how Lily had felt everyday for two months – completely helpless. Staring at her, he saw real strength and courage for the first time. And, much to his shock, it had nothing to do with standing up to Slytherins.

Maybe it was the firewhiskey, or maybe it was just that James was finally beginning to learn that love wasn't about slaying dragons or rescuing damsels, or passionate kisses at sunset. It was about ugly, horrible moments like this. It was about loving someone when they weren't easy to love. And so it was as a silent partner in Lily's grief, and regret, with her face splotchy and body too skinny for her face, that James Potter really and truly fell in love with Lily Evans.

He didn't throw off his cloak and sweep her off her feet. He didn't recite a sonnet. It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was just that it…didn't seem right. Besides the fact that he was pretty sure Lily would cast her first, and only, unforgivable if she ever knew he was there, he also sensed that he would be doing her a great disservice if he did that. She needed a partner, not a savior, and that happened with trust (which he was violating on every level), not heroic acts.

In that moment, something profound changed in him. He'd still play pranks, mock Snape and get drunk with his friends on occasion, but he knew, deep in the same place that he knew the sun would keep rising, that things would never be the same again, not for him. It took barely a moment but James' priorities were forever changed. Two weeks after his seventeenth birthday, James Potter became a man. And it broke his heart.

Later that night, as he replayed this episode over and over in his mind, he never could pinpoint how long she had sat there, and how long he had stood there, watching, waiting, but at some point she pulled herself together, as he realized she always did, and walked to the fireplace. She grabbed some floo powder, shouted 'Tiddlywinks' and was gone. He waited for just under ten minutes to make sure she had left the common room, only the sound of the ticking grandfather to keep him company. He followed her to find the common room empty, only this time it was James who spent the night on the couch, staring horrified into the fire.

* * *

Amos Diggory was bored. He had planned to spend his afternoon off with his girlfriend, but she had begged off (something about homework…) and so there he was wandering the halls, completely bored. He leaned out the nearest window and breathed in the fresh air. He supposed he could always take his broom for a spin. He stood there trying to remember if he'd left his broom in his room or in the locker rooms. He stared out the window, puzzled when he saw his girlfriend walking. He started to call out her name when he realized that she wasn't alone. He stood there, frozen, as he saw Hannah turn and kiss the boy she was walking with. He couldn't see who it was but the robes had a red hood, he was significantly taller that Hannah and he had untidy black hair. Amos grip tightened and he gritted his teeth. Potter. He was going to kill him.

Sirius' hair was usually quite neat. It fact it had been called elegant by some. His brother, Regulus, had inherited rather unfortunate curls that looked a little like Velcro but not Sirius. Yes, it was hard to be rich, popular, brilliant, unattached, and devilishly good looking but through the years, Sirius had managed somehow to learn to cope. Today however, Hannah had been slightly over zealous and his hair, much to his chagrin when he later found a mirror, was looking rather like James'. He would have given anything for his friend, anything that is, but his hair. He and Hannah entered the great hall separately and sat next to Remus, who, rather generously, handed him a plate of beef without even being asked. After seven years, Remus had learned the easiest way to have a conversation uninterrupted when Sirius was around was to anticipate his needs.

"So you'll go with me, then?" he asked, handing Sirius the bread just as he opened his mouth to ask for it.

Lily grinned. "Absolutely! We'll have so much fun. I'm actually quite excited for the ball. I think it's going to be really nice, don't you James?"

James was staring moodily into space. "Hmm? Yeah it'll be great." But he sounded downright unenthusiastic.

"Have you asked Jenna yet?" Lily asked, ignoring his tone. James hadn't hit on her once since he had starting going out with Jenna and they were now getting on quite well. She wasn't about to throw that away just because he was tad temperamental lately. Actually the more she thought about it, the weirder he'd been in the past week. He'd been incredibly solicitous but distant, like a very polite stranger. He smiled at her, held open the door, chatted nicely, but was completely bland. To be honest, it made Lily a little nervous. The last time he'd acted this way was in their first year right before he'd put itching powder in her shampoo.

James poked his dinner and shrugged. "No but I should probably get on that. Oi, Jenna, wanna go to the ball." He called.

Her golden hair flipped around as she turned to face him. "Sure. I was wondering when you were going to ask me."

He shrugged again and turned back to Lily, who watched the whole interaction with raised eyebrows.

"There. Done." He said.

"Alright there, Lily?" Ann asked as she sat down next to Lily, grinning and out of breath.

"Alright. You?"

"Smashing, my dress came for the ball."

Sirius looked up with interest. He gathered his courage. "Hey, Alford, go with me to the ball." It wasn't a question.

Ann laughed heartily. "Wow, that was so romantic that I can barely breath. I hope your skills are better than your lines. Poor Hannah." She shook her head, her whole body emanating happiness. All was right in the world of Anwin Alford. "That horrid invitation aside, I already have a date."

Sirius was beginning to feel a little desperate. This girl kept pulling the floor out from under him. "What?" he asked, blanching slightly. "Who?"

"Well, Peter." She said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world before turning back to Lily to tell her about her dress.

Sirius turned to Peter looking positively murderous.

"Snooze you lose, mate." Peter said, grinning cheekily and taking a huge bite of his mutton.

Remus laughed loudly. "This is too rich, Sirius Black is going stag to the ball?"

Sirius shoved back from the table, practically purple with rage.

* * *

The evening of the ball arrived without incident. (Although at one point the only thing standing between Peter and certain death was James and his wand - an incident that would one day give him cause for deja vu.) And as it turned out, Sirius did not, in fact, go stag. He had asked some Ravenclaw fifth year, who, unfortunately for him, and an obsessive interest in flobberworms that she never tired of sharing.

Lily met Remus in the common room a little before seven. Dressed in a midnight blue dress, her hair cascading simply down her back and pearl choker, she seemed to glow. Though, for sheer beauty, she couldn't compete with Ann, who in gold and silver, was passing out heart attacks left, right, and center, but still, there was something ethereal about her.

"You look breathtaking Lils." Remus said, offering his arm.

"You clean up well yourself." She said and kissing him on cheek.

Despite himself, James felt a twinge of jealousy as he and Jenna passed Remus and Lily, Though, it has to be said, Jenna, in a deep red with spaghetti straps, looked quite pretty.

Lily danced four times with Remus, twice with Peter and one very bad dance with Sirius, who kept stepping on her foot as he stared at Ann dance with James. By ten, she was thirsty, tired, and her big toe was bleeding. She excused herself and walked to the refreshment table, where she found James leaning casually against the table, a goblet of punch in his hand.

"Hi James." She said as he handed her some punch. "Thank you." She leaned on the table next to him. "This place looks pretty great, huh?" She asked, smiling, feeling satisfied for the first time in months.

"It looks incredible," he said, looking her in the eye. Their noses inches apart. "You really went above and beyond."

Lily didn't look away, though she desperately wanted to. "You too. Half of this is yours." She said softly, mesmerized by the way he was looking at her. There was something different in his eyes, something older, calmer, more patient. His usual smirk was gone. She no longer felt like he wanted to ravage her and tell on his friends about it. They were so close that she could hear him breathe. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Real classy, Potter." A voice drawled nastily.

They flew apart, Lily spilling her punch all over the table. "Lo there, Diggory." James said cautiously, scanning the crowd for Sirius, but he was nowhere to be found. He shoved Lily roughly into the crowd.

"You're really something, you know that." Amos said, raising his voice. People were beginning to notice. James saw Remus rushing through the crowd his wand raised. Peter was coming from the other direction, but no wands were necessary. Amos was a good, old- fashioned boy.

"What? Shagging my girlfriend isn't enough? You're going to take advantage of Lily too?" Amos cried slugging him hard in the jaw. James fell to the ground just as Remus broke through.

"Levicorpus!" Remus shouted, Amos shooting up in the air rather ungracefully by his ankle.

"Accio wand!" Peter cried, catching Amos' wand deftly with his left hand.

Jenna Beam broke through the circle of onlookers just as James got up, blood pouring from his nose. "Are you alright?" She asked.

James nodded.

"Good." And she slapped him so hard across the face that a glowing, red handprint was left in its place. She shook her head, disgusted. "Hannah Prewett? Honestly James!" she walked away into the waiting arms of Maggie Highland, where she promptly burst into tears.

"Here, James." Lily said, handing him a napkin for his nose and smirking slightly.

He turned to Remus. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to absolutely kill him."

"What's going on here Mr. Potter?" Professor McGongall roared, as she emerged from the crowd to see a prefect hanging by his ankle and the head boy bleeding profusely from the nose and lips.

"Just a little spat, Professor." Remus said quickly.

"Is that you're story too, Miss Evans?" Professor McGonagall asked.

Lily nodded. Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Of the five of you, two of you are prefects," she looked witheringly at Amos and Remus. "And the other two are head boy and head girl. And Mr. Pettigrew, you are a seventh year. Therefore the five of you will be in detention for as long as it takes you to learn the meaning of leadership."

"And how long might that be, Professor?" James asked timidly, trying, but failing to smile charmingly through his fat lip.

"We'll just find out won't we? Twenty points from Gryffindor, and ten points from Ravenclaw for behavior below your positions and age."

As she walked away, James turned back to Remus. "Scratch that, I'll torture him first."

* * *

"James hold still!" Lily cried as she tried to place a rag soaked in murlap essence on swollen lip. They were standing on a balcony just outside the dance, the music still blaring inside.

"It hurts." He whined.

"If you don't stop being such a baby, I'll send you to Madam Pomfry"

James promptly shut up. He actually quite liked Madam Pomfry, but Lily tending his injuries had been a fantasy of his since his fourth year. He wasn't about to mess it up. Just as she reapplied the rag, they heard voices approaching.

"It's Sirius! Excuse me. I have to kill him." James said. standing up.

Lily shoved him back down roughly. "Shh. He's with Ann." She whispered, putting a finger to her lips.

Ann and Sirius got closer.

"Look Black, what kind of girl do you think I am, anyway?"

"Uhh?"

"If you're wondering, that question is rhetorical. The point is, I keep turning you down because of what you keep asking me." Ann said, exasperated. It sounded as though the conversation had been going on for sometime.

"What do you want me to ask you?" Sirius asked, raising his voice.

"If you asked me out properly, and nicely, I might add, I might just say yes." Ann said. Lily and James could hear her walking away.

"Women!" Sirius cried bitterly to the night sky before following her in.

James and Lily looked at each other and burst out laughing.

* * *

**A/N – I hope I didn't disappoint anyone by not having Lily confront James! I just didn't think she'd ever forgive him. If they're ever going to work, she had to trust him enough to tell him herself, and that would never happen if she knew James had been sneaking around. I don't want you all to think he's some kind of creepy guy, either. James at the end of the last chapter is still thinking very much like a sheltered mischievous boy. He knew something was up, but he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he followed her. Anyway I'm really interested to hear what you guys think about how i played it out!  
**

**Thanks to Halfbloodhannah, lemonwedges4 (love the SN), like wat u see, and izthedoodler for reviewing.**

**Miss SJB – I'm happy to distract you! And so funny about your friend, I love it when live art imitates live (even if it is by accident!)**

**Erinye – I know exactly what kind of stories you're talking about and it's exactly what I wanted to avoid. Having been through what Lily's going through myself, people are much more likely to stare awkwardly at you when you tell them whats going on then to throw their arms around you and proclaim their undying and unconditional love. ESPECIALLY 17 year old boys, lovely and indispensable as they are!**


	8. Going Nowhere

Mad World

Chapter Seven  
Subtitled: Going Nowhere  
Quotation An Argument needs no reason; Nor any friendship.** Ibycus**

* * *

James straightened his glasses and glanced at his reflection. He had to admit, a bruised face really did suit him. He had this whole James Dean thing going on, and if he did say so himself (which he did), he looked devilishly handsome. "Ready, mate?" He called to Sirius, tugging at his Quidditch robes.

"Yeah, one second!" said Sirius as he hopped into the room on one foot trying to get his boot on the other. He caught sight of James' face. "Oi, sorry about that." He said, grimacing slightly.

James shrugged and tuned towards the door. "Don't worry about it. McGonagall was right unreasonable anyway. Besides, only a real wanker like Diggory would confuse you and me."

Sirius smiled at him gratefully as they walked towards the great hall, eager to catch a bit of breakfast before their match against Ravenclaw. Scouts from the Pride of Portree, and the Wigtown Wanderers were coming specifically to see James. Sirius would have been jealous, except the scouts had saved his good for nothing arse. James was so preoccupied with the fact that they were coming that he had completely forgotten to give Sirius what he had coming to him. In fact, since finding about the day after Halloween, James had barely said two words together. Which, when it came down to it, was quite pleasant.

Upon arriving in the great hall, James felt his stomach settle ever so slightly when he saw Remus and Peter waiting patiently for them. He took the toast offered to him and sat down uneasily. He had barely gotten the toast into his mouth, though, when Lily led in fifty gryffindors carrying various banners, jumpers, flags and scarves to be sold. She plopped down across from him, ablaze in red and gold.

"Sorry about all this fuss." She said, gesturing helplessly at her outfit. "But I have to set an example."

Ann snorted in her porridge. "And what an example you have set."

James felt his stomach lurch uncomfortably. "Excuse me." He said and sprinted from the Great Hall where he promptly lost his breakfast and what was left of his dinner from the night before (spaghetti and meatballs).

Sirius raised an eyebrow at Lily who, already self-conscious, was looking rather distressed. "Don't worry, I think the phrase 'you make him sick' is a compliment in this case."

Lily harrumphed and fluttered from the table, taking her mass quantities of Gryffindor goods with her.

"You're a class act, you know that Black?" said Ann.

* * *

Considering that it was the beginning of November, it really was a beautiful day for a Quidditch match. Not exactly warm or anything, but at least it wasn't raining, which for Scotland in November is no short of a miracle. It was so beautiful, that as James kicked off and the game began to start, he had a really good feeling.

"And we're off! Welcome to the second match of the year, the first for both Gryffindor and Ravenclaw." Said, the loud and booming voice of Anwen, magically amplified. "And Potter's got the quaffle. He passes it to Tyler. She flies over Harwood and… SCORE! Ten points for Gryffindor."

Sirius was clutching his bat but found Ann to be very distracting. It was bad enough that he thought of her when he ate, slept, studied, laughed, and let's not lie here, wanked, but was it really necessary for her to make herself known all the time. He saw the bludger coming and flicked it lazily, only half paying attention to where it was headed.

"Watch it Black!" Sophia Tyler called. "You nearly took my head off!"

"Get your head in the game Padfoot!" James called angrily and spun in a series of complicated moves, the crowd roaring in approval as he scored again with ease, Amos Diggory absolutely purple with rage, staring at Sirius, a vein popping out of his neck. He'd known the truth now for a few days and was dying to make him pay. But Sirius was lost in his thoughts.

"And Sirius Black seems to have lost his concentration. Perhaps it's… gone to the dogs?" Ann asked, something in her voice giving Sirius pause.

Sirius spun sharply, watching her closely for a moment, but Ann's face revealed nothing, if she knew anything she, she wasn't about to say it. A bludger flew right past him, without him even seeing it, and headed straight for James as he caught the ball from the third chaser, Jack Galvin, a straight talking third year. James saw the bludger in the nick of time and spun on his side, just avoiding it, and pitching the quaffle in without even righting himself, the crowd ate it up.

"Thirty points for Gryffindor and without any help at all from Sirius Black." Ann taunted easily, regarding her cuticles quizzically.

Sirius had had just about enough of her and he raced hard towards the commentator's platform. "You know what Alford, bite me." He said, his voice magically amplified.

She met his gaze, completely unmoved. "I give as good as I get, Black."

"You can be a real bitch sometimes, you know that?"

There was a collective gasp and the players seemed completely suspended in time, both teams staring at him in abject horror.

"Thirty points from the Gryffindor team for unsportsmanlike behavior!" Madam Hooch shrieked and the scoreboard read zero to zero once more. The Ravenclaws were deafening in their applause and screams, and James looked ready to shoot himself.

"Cover for me," he whispered to Jack and flew Sirius' side. "You're my best mate and I love you, but if you don't start doing your job you're suspended."

Sirius stared at him stonily. "Are you saying that as my 'best mate' or as my captain?"

In the stands, Remus was covered his face with his hands.

"I'm saying that if you don't start playing Quidditch, then you never will again." James snarled.

"I have been playing Quidditch! If she'd only shut up we could play." Sirius roared but even as the words were coming out of his mouth and stray bludger came from behind and hit James hard on the head. Ann flicked her wand wordlessly and James slowly fluttered to the ground.

Ann looked up at Sirius coolly. "You were saying?"

* * *

James got out of the hospital wing late the next day, Sunday. He found Peter and Remus playing an animated game of exploding snap and Sirius was nowhere to be seen.

"Hello guys." James said genially, even more black and blue than before.

"How're you feeling Prongs?" Peter asked his question largely obscured by an explosion by one of Remus' cards.

"About how I expect you feel at that time of the month, Moony." James said, fingering his latest bruise on his left cheek gingerly.

Remus frowned sympathetically. "Bad luck mate."

"Or just get rid of the luck bit and you've got an accurate sentence." James said darkly.

Remus sighed and exchanged pained looks with Peter. They reluctantly put the cards away.

Peter took a deep breath. "Look Prongs, this is just Sirius he's always been this way. You know, a bit of a…."

"…Loose cannon, time bomb. He rushes headlong into whatever he fancies at the moment and doesn't think things through. But he almost always means well, well where you're concerned anyway." Remus finished for him.

James slammed his hands down hard on the coffee table causing both other boys to jump back in surprise. "God damn it guys!" he cried, a pained expression on his face. "This wasn't some game. This was my future. The fucking scouts were there and I was knocked out two minutes in all because our 'time bomb' can't get over _a bit of rejection_. I'M NOT GOING TO GET RECRUITED NOW! DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU FUCKING GET IT? IF I THREW A GAME EVERY TIME EVANS TURNED ME DOWN, WE WOULD NEVER HAVE WON A SINGLE GAME!" He yelled furiously, staring at them, daring them to contradict him. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST MATES. WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAY?" He turned away, panting slightly as two frightened first years scrambled up the steps to the dormitory.

"I didn't know there was a war." Remus said quietly, regarding James calmly. At this James became completely undone. He wanted them to yell back at him. He wanted them to throw a punch. He wanted them to say he was wrong so he could feel justified in being a victim. But Peter just regarded his shoes, and Remus was as unruffled as you please, determined not to be drawn in.

"Fuck you both." James said contemptuously and stormed from the room. Sirius stepped out of the shadows looking somewhere between horrified and terrified.

"I'm in for a world of trouble, aren't I?" asked Sirius.

Peter's lips twisted into a mirthless smile. "You think?"

* * *

James slammed the tapestry so hard he nearly broke it. He screamed out in frustration and looked ready to throw himself at the Head's common room wall in protest.

"Alright there?" Lily asked, comfortably situated on the coach, From Snow White to Sleeping Beauty: Magical Propaganda and the Persecution of Hags throughout History _By: Evila Stepmother _spread out on her lap, left open to Chapter 6, Why Hansel and Gretel Needed Hands On Discipline.

James eyed her like a bull about to charge. "What do you care?" he asked roughly, throwing his cloak at the armchair.

Lily raised her eyebrows. James was never, ever rude to her. Inappropriate, sure, cocky, usually but rude or mean? Never. It was this, and the fact that Lily had slept the night before for the first time in over a month that kept her from making sure that the Potter line ended with him. "I care." She said softly. "That's what friends are for, right?"

Suddenly James felt very much like a bull in a china shop. His anger, which had been flowing freely for hours, suddenly stopped as he met her gaze. "I'm sorry." He said heavily, sitting down across from her. "I'm having a pretty awful weekend."

Lily laughed. "Ah, well, I know all about those."

"I know you do." James said intensely.

Lily shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "What?"

"I just mean, we all do. We all have weekends like that." He said hastily.

Lily visibly relaxed. "So," She sat up and stoked the fire. "I'm going to take a wild guess and say this has something to do with Sirius, Halloween, Sirius, Quidditch, and most likely, Sirius."

James smiled despite of himself. "I think you just might have a knack for divination." He said.

Lily snorted. "Right." She rolled her eyes, the fire illuminating her freckles. "So you want to talk about it?"

James sighed stormily. "No, thanks. I'd rather just forget all about it."

Lily nodded slowly. The sun was beginning to set behind them, and in the half-light, James looked like a shadow, the light flickering oddly on his battered face. Unconsciously she reached out slowly and placed her fingers on his swollen lips. He shuddered reflexively, and her hand shot back as though she had been burned, her face reddening visibly.

"I'm so sorry." She said shaking her head. "I don't know what came over me." She shook her head again laughing.

"Don't worry about it. They are pretty freakish. I can't keep my hands off them myself." He laughed, determined to keep it light.

They laughed together, embarrassed though unaware that they weren't alone in that sentiment.

"So I know what will cheer you up!" Lily said suddenly, diving into her bag, an odd conglomeration of purple and yellow that he always suspected that Lily had made herself in primary school. She pulled out a deep green card. "Slughorn's Christmas party!"

James eyed her skeptically. "Slughorn? Ah, how well you know me Lily."

She rolled her eyes and scooted closer to him to show him the card, looking enthusiastic for the first time all year. "Look, I know they're totally lame, but if you go with me than we can sit around and mock people. It'll be grand!"

James turned to her, shocked. "Lily Evans I didn't know you had it in you! You want to go to a party to _mock_ people?"

Lily looked contrite for the briefest of moments. "Not innocent people, just the stupid big-heads he invites. Besides, of course I have it in me. I've been Ann's best friend for seven years, haven't I."

"That is true."

"So you'll go with me?" Lily asked eagerly.

James grinned goofily. "Sure." He said, his heart skipping a beat.

Lily thumped on the back. "I'm so glad we're finally friends." She said, and smiled as she stretched out luxuriously.

She didn't see James' smile falter ever so slightly.

* * *

**A/N – This is kind of filler but the next one will be long. We've got Slughorn's Christmas party, a pivotal moment for James and Lily, and Sirius and James face off. There's more than meets the eye with Sirius so don't jump to any conclusions until you hear him out!**

**Izthedoodler – You'll just have to see about James coming clean or not ;)**

**Halfbloodhannah – yeah well, amos has a bit of a nasty streak. He can get really REALLY worked up (as we saw in GOF) Yeah and Sirius is in for a MAJOR beating. He did, after all, get lily and his three best friends detention forever.**

**Lemonwedges4 – not telling about what lily will or will not find out…but Sirius is totally going down…this is truth.**

**Miss SJB – I find that if I put off updating it won't get done for years. I'm just that kind of person. So I churn out a story and then I don't write for a about a year. (My last story before mad world finished in 2005) hahaha. And I know, poor Lily, she was in the wrong time and place. But she doesn't really care that much about the detention…yet. She's a cool cat, that Lily. Besides, she's a little preoccupied of late!**

**Hello.I'mMarySue – I hadn't planned the ann/Sirius thing, but I find it fun to write. There has to be some kind of subplot, and I wanted Sirius to meet his match. **

**Stinkabel – yes indeed. James is finally growing up!**

**Thanks for reading and please review!**

**Xoxox Firefly**


	9. I Find it Kind of Funny, I Find it Kind

Mad World

_Chapter Eight_

_Subtitled: I Find it Kind of Funny, I Find it Kind of Sad_

_Quotation: __Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving._

**Dale Carnegie**

* * *

It's bloody uncomfortable not talking to your best friend, especially when you live together. It's even more uncomfortable when your other friends are put in the middle.

James put up with the discomfort for exactly one day and then he moved in the heads' common room where he intended to sleep for the rest of his Hogwarts career. Peter cajoled him, Remus begged, Lily reasoned but he would have none of it. Sirius, for his part, was right ashamed but didn't know how, as is often the case with seventeen year old boys, to apologize, so he just stared awkwardly at James and tried not to look too hurt. Even the teachers were uncomfortable with the new arrangements. McGonagall, who made it a point never to become remotely involved in her students' lives, found classes to be down right trying. Both Sirius and James stared straight ahead, took notes, and ignored any taunting from other students, including Severus Snape. It was beyond odd, it was sort of horrible. As for Lily, James camping out permanently in their common room seemed like a nightmare in the making except he always seemed to disappear for about two hours every night, which was very convenient because it was right when she needed to go home. For her part, she suspected that he was hiding out in the kitchens, sulking, but she wasn't about to wreck a good thing by asking.

As November slid into December, the only thing chillier than the weather was Gryffindor tower. Ann and Sirius were still dancing their odd dance. Lily and James had become the best of friends. And so it wasn't uncommon to find James and Lily walking together, Sirius and Ann walking together, and Peter and Remus walking together, all avoiding each other but wishing they weren't. Even harder for the other students to comprehend was that James and Sirius' new best friends, now that they weren't speaking to each other, wasn't one other marauder apiece, but rather a girl, and a platonic girl at that. More than one Hogwarts girl wondered idly if one of their own pranks had gone horribly awry with some nasty aftereffects.

On the fifteenth of December, with only a few days before Slughorn's Christmas party Sirius was missing James more than even.

"Okay, I'm going to do it!"

"Well then get on with it, mate." His reflection replied, looking bored. "Although I must add you are one handsome bloke."

Sirius grinned. "Back at you."

Remus looked up from his bed. "Are you hitting on your reflection again?"

"He started it." Said Sirius and glanced one last time before grabbing his bag. "I'm going to ask Ann out today. Any advice?"

"Yeah, get someone else to do it for you." Peter drawled not even bothering to look up from him history homework.

Remus snorted, but quickly wiped the smile off his face upon seeing Sirius' face.

Sirius glowered at him. "Oh yeah, very witty. Huge help you lot are." He peered quickly at James' empty, unmade bed and felt that familiar, cold feeling in his stomach. He breathed out and shut the door behind him, feeling sadder than he had a moment before. Over the balcony he could see that familiar mass of chocolate curls and smiled to himself.

Anwen was balancing an open book in one hand as she wrote with the other. "Hello there." She said, chewing her lip thoughtfully. "What do you know about the decision to have centaurs classified as beasts by the ministry?"

"Not a whole lot." He said, but he was lying. He actually knew quite a bit about it because his parents used to go on all the time about how it was the only good decision the ministry had ever made. He had looked it up in his third year and found out that the centaurs had _elected _to be classified as beasts because they wanted to form their own society. But he really could afford to get distracted at the moment. "But, well, I was thinking…"

"Mhmm?" she asked through the quill in her mouth as she rustled through other books.

He took a deep breath. It was best to get straight to the point. No use beating around the bush. "Slughorn's party is coming up, would you like to go with me?" he said it rather fast.

Ann lifted her head very slowly from her book, so that the first thing he saw was her eyes. She took the quill out of her mouth and rewarded him with her smile, a smile that could easily have brought Troy to it's knees, were it still in the market for society-ending sirens, that is. "I think that would be lovely, thank you Sirius." Ann said warmly. Sirius was rather taken aback. It was the nicest she had ever been to him. He grinned ridiculously.

"Well alright then. Well I'll just meet you at eight then." Said Sirius feeling oddly elated. He ran up the stairs, desperate to tell James, but just as his hand was on the door a shock when through him as he remembered, leaving him feeling rather lonely after all.

"How'd it go?" Remus asked.

Sirius forced a smile. "Brilliant. She said yes."

* * *

James was having the same sort of problem. Not only was he spending a lot of time with Lily Evan, but _she _had asked _him _out (sort of) and he had no one to tell. Plus he missed the stupid git, and his bed. He really missed his bed.

A little after eight on the twentieth of December, James lay sprawled out on the couch of the common room he shared with Lily, swishing his wand lazily and watching the ceiling change colors. He'd heard back from both scouts and neither had recruited him, not that he was surprised. The tapestry swung open and Lily walked in, dressed festively in a green skirt and gold top and shoes, her hair pulled up and the slightest bit of eye shadow.

"How's the pity party? Did I miss anything fun?" she asked archly, sitting at his feet at the end of the coach.

"Oh yeah, the balloon animals finished about an hour ago and I sent the clown home, sorry. But Hemingway and Edgar Allen Poe should be here any minute to do inspirational readings."

Lily rolled her eyes. "So, you ready to go?"

James shrugged but sat up. He looked at Lily thoughtfully for a moment. "You look really pretty, Lils."

Lily smiled. "Back at you!" She said, mussed his hair in a sisterly fashion, and headed towards the tapestry.

"I was serious." James muttered as he followed her out, running a tired hand through his hair.

* * *

Slughorn's party was in full swing when they arrived. His enlarged office seemed aglow with a thousand tiny lights, and a clumsily painted 'Happy Christmas' banner, which looked to be Hagrid's work, hung at the entrance. Arm and arm, Lily and James entered into the very crowded room.

Lily looked around, incredulous, as they settled into a corner, Lily hoping to avoid Slughorn and James hoping to avoid Sirius. She had been to several of Slughorn's parties but never at Christmas. "Who are all these people? Most of them aren't even students."

James followed her gaze. "Well," he said conspiratorially. "See that old bird in the green?"

'The one with the great big stick up her arse?" Lily asked. The woman in question did have a rather pinched look about, as though the smallest of movements might cause immense pain.

"Well that's the Minister of Magic's mum, Alcmene Slater. She was a friend of my grandmother and by friend, I mean my grandmother had to invite her to things. She's about as much fun as she looks." He whispered in Lily's ear, casually draping one arm around her shoulder.

Lily giggled, delighted. "What about that one?" She asked pointing to a shriveled up little man, who rubbed his hands together nervously, great tufts of white hair falling in his face.

James grinned. "Ah, that's Benten Aberdene. He's the richest wizard in England. Makes Sirius' family look like beggars. Clearly inherited."

"Clearly. He looks afraid too even talk. Hardly a captain of industry... Is that a hag?" She whispered so softly he could barely hear her. He followed her eye line to a crumpled old thing in robes that were hundreds of years out of date.

"That's Sheila Nagig, she's the oldest witch alive."

"How old is she?"

"Let's put it this way, she's still bitter that Merlin wouldn't go out with her. 'Course look at her, can you blame the poor bloke?" said James, eyeing one of her warts and shivering unconciously.

"James that's awful! Well, what about that one. She's lovely." Lily breathed, catching sight of a breathtakingly beautiful woman in the most gorgeous set of purple robes Lily had ever seen. They seemed to emit a light all of their own.

James looked at her in shock. "You don't know who that is? And you call yourself a girl?" He clucked with disapproval.

"Hey, I'm muggleborn!"

"No excuse, my mother would be absolutely ashamed of you." He shook his head sadly. "Anyway that's Arachne Weaver, the mot famous, and outrageously expensive designer in Europe. My mother has two pairs of her robes. One from her wedding, and one my father bought her for their thirtieth anniversary. She's actually nearly seventy."

Lily gasped. "No! She doesn't look a day over twenty!"

James shrugged. "My mum reckons she's got to have some veela in her, they live way longer than us."

"Well what about the woman talking to her, in red?" Lily pointed discreetly to a woman with electric green hair and several very cool piercings.

James raised an eyebrow. "Seriously, do live under a rock or something?"

Lily hit him lightly, but he caught her wrist. They're eyes met, and held the stare for some seconds. James released her and cleared his throat, looking away. "She's uh…that's Aria Melodan, lead singer of Aneirin."

But Lily wasn't looking at Aria Melodan. She was looking at James rather strangely, searchingly almost, as though she had just noticed something for the first time.

James' pulse began to race, and he suddenly became very aware of the fact that she had three tiny freckles on her nose in row, right between her eyes. She looked a little like Orion's belt. Why hadn't he ever noticed that before?

"James, I –" she started haltingly.

"There are my two favorite students!" A voice boomed, and Lily reluctantly looked away from James, who, for his part, felt he might do better if he stomach would pick another time to take up swing dancing.

"Hello professor." James managed weakly, taking in the great, bloated sight of the host himself.

"This party is simply lovely, Professor. Thank you for having us." Lily said, immediately sitting up straight and keeping her voice completely even.

"Yes, lovely." James echoed, feeling slightly confused.

Slughorn, blissfully oblivious to the fact that he had just interrupted something, grasped James firmly by the arm and hoisted him to his feet. "I'm afraid I need to steal Mr. Potter here Miss Evans. This way, my boy, I've got someone you have to meet. I won't brook any argument."

Before James could open his mouth to protest he was halfway through the crowd. "Oi, Horace, over here!" A tall man, with broad shoulders and salt and pepper hair called.

"Ah, there are you are Willoughby! I've tracked him down."

James glanced back and forth from his red cheeked professor, to the tall athletic man before him. What on earth was he going on about.? "Willoughby, this is James Potter, as you well know. James, my boy, this is Conall Willoughby recruiter from the –"

"- Montrose Magpies." James breather, his eyes growing wide. 'I know. Pleasure to meet you." James said, and meant it, he held out his hand.

Slughorn drained him cup and smacked his lips luxuriously. "Well I best be off. Can't neglect my own party." And he disappeared into the crowd.

Conall eyed him thoughtfully for a moment as he sipped his wine. 'Well James, if I may call you that, --" James nodded vigorously. " There's no point beating around the bush. I was simply going to send you a letter, but when Horace invited me I figured I could simply tell you myself. We'd like to make you an offer."

James stared at him blankly for a moment. The Montrose Magpies were the best team in the league. They had more titles than some of the other teams combined. "Is this a joke?" he asked bluntly.

Conall barked a laugh. "Good lord, boy, no. I saw you play last month. We want you."

"But I got knocked out in my last game."

Conall shrugged easily. "So try not to that anymore."

James grinned, an incredible warmth spreading through him. "Yes, sir!"

"Great, well then I'll be in touch so we can arrange a time to go over your contract." He glanced at his watch, which was lighting up in a rather annoying fashion and sighed. "I'm afraid I've got to run, one the players has slept with an under aged witch…again." He rolled his eyes in a long suffering way. "You know how it is." And he disappeared into the crowd with a wave.

James raced back through the crowd searching desperately for that usual shock of auburn hair and found her chatting happily with Arachne Weaver. Without a thought to where he was or who he was with he ran at her, threw his arms around her waist and twirled her in the hair, laughing happily. "I've been recruited!" he cried, several people staring at them as he set her down.

"What?" Lily screamed as she tried to fix her hair. "By who?"

James was grinning widely at her. "By the Montrose Magpies!" He raised his eyebrows for affect.

Lily threw herself at him and hugged him as tightly as she could. "James that's incredible!"

He was giddy with glee and on an impulse he grabbed her hand. "Come on, let's get out of here!" he pulled her to the door.

"Where too?" she laughed but followed him willingly.

"I don't know, anywhere." They stumbled out the door, tripping into a couple who was just arriving. "Oh sorry about that, mate –" James said stopping dead, Sirius' burning eyes staring back at back.

"Quite alright, _mate._" Sirius spat and continued towards the door.

"Tonight." Anwen mouthed to Lily who nodded before jogging after James, who had immediately sobered up.

He was scowling furiously, his earlier elation completely gone. "Stupid git ruins everything." He muttered bitterly, glancing back at where Sirius had stood a moment before.

Lily placed a hand on his arm. "Come on, let's go sit down." She smiled kindly at him, and James felt his heart constrict painfully. In fifteen seconds he had gone from ecstasy, to anger, to sadness, and now to love. How could anyone feel so many things at once?

"James, I know you don't want to hear this, but you're being an idiot." Lily said suddenly as they walked back to their common room.

James whirled on her. "What? He got us both detention till we graduate, remember? And then got us docked and almost killed in Quidditch and then didn't even have the decency to apologize. And I'm being the idiot?"

Lily regarded him coolly. "Yes, you are. James you're the only family's he's got, you're going to be this huge Quidditch star, and yeah, he's mental a good deal of the time, but you knew that when you became friends with him. It's too late to hold that against him now." She scuffled her feet, deep in thought. "I just, I just don't think it's that easy to be Sirius." She said slowly, suddenly feeling a little sick about the bet she made over his feelings. "I think it must be sort of lonely. I mean, even if the Magpies never wanted you, your parents would still worship the ground you walk on. If Hogwarts fell tomorrow, you'd have people to go home to, so yeah, Sirius is a little self-centered, but I think he has to be, you know? Because if he doesn't think of himself, who will?"

James, not for the first time in Lily's presence, felt like bumbling elephant. She could grasp subtleties that he hadn't even known existed. He looked at her amazed. "You're incredible, you know that?" They had reached the common room.

Lily shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. "Thank you." She said, going slightly red. "But just promise me you'll think about what I said about Sirius." She was eager for a subject change.

He nodded as Lily's owl, Charis, flew through the open window and landed on her shoulder, hooting softly. Lily smiled and petted the bird affectionately. "Hello there, what's that you have for me?"

Lily untied a bit of parchment. James sat down and watched her as she unscrolled it, her eyes scanning quickly over it. Her chest began to fall and rise much more quickly, a faint blush had crept into her cheeks and she set her jaw, as though determined to channel her energy somewhere. She stared at it for some seconds, collecting herself before looking up and smiling a shade too brightly.

"I'd better head back, my stomach isn't feeling great." She said and crushed the letter in her fist. "I'll see you after break."

"I'll owl you!" James called as she reached the tapestry.

She stopped and smiled, though her eyes were shiny in the firelight. "I wouldn't have it any other way." She said, slipping out of the room. And he knew she meant it.

* * *

**A/N – What was in Lily's letter? What happened between Ann and Sirius? Will James and Sirius make up? And how will Christmas go down for our friends? **

**Hope you liked this one. I loved writing the slughorn scene. All the people are based on mythological characters. Like Sheila Nagig (the oldest witch alive) is the irish goddess of aging, and Alcmene, the Minister's mother, is Hercules' mother in mythology and ten points to who can tell me why Arachne Weaver is the designer and who she was in mythology! **

**Izthedoodler - James Dean is known for that movie 'rebel without a cause'…he's supposed to be like the quintessential bad boy, but idk, I'm with you. He's not really my generation, or James' for that matter, he was around in the fifties. Yeah spot on about Sirius. Bet or no bet, Ann's not going out with him until gets over himself a bit. He's just very much in his own world. He loves his friends, but hasn't quite gotten it in his head that what he does affects other people and he's not always the most important person in the room. And as for James, I feel a little bad for him. Lily thinks its lovely that they're friends and she has no idea that he still likes her and that that will depress him. So haha, long reply to a long review. Lovely, hope you liked this one! **

**Erinye - I love naming the books in this magical world, its really really fun. **

**Miss SJB – I put in those titles just for you! ;) I LOVE mad world but for this fic's purposes think the really sad cover version. The lyrics are all out of order but I figure its cool. Hope this update keeps you satisfied till the next one. **


	10. Sit and Listen

_Mad World_

_Chapter Nine_

_Subtitled: Sit and Listen_

Quotation: "I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Taylor Caldwell

* * *

_Lily, December 21st_

_Well as you pretty much flew out the door to get home this morning, and Maggie and Jenna don't know the meaning of the word privacy (by the way I'm not at all bitter), this will have to do for now. Okay, so last night, it was actually brilliant. I know, who'd have known right? Well, except for that part when we ran into you and James, which was bloody awkward._

_Sirius was…dare I even say it?...sweet. He picked me up at about nine and, after his cute little run in with his boyfriend in the hall, we finally made it to the party. I don't know how long you guys stayed but there were a lot of people there and what's her name…Aria Melodan, you know, the singer, well she sang that song that I love so much "Bewitch the witch right out of me" which was simply smashing. Alright I'm rambling, I'll just start from the beginning. _

_We walked in and Hagrid had that god awful banner up (honestly, you'd think we all of his connections Slug would have gotten a proper artist or at least someone who can spell. Hapy Chrismas indeed!) Sirius, who was still sulking, turned to me. _

"_Can I get you something to drink?" he asked, which I know, is not the most charming of opening lines. _

"_I don't like holly punch." I told him, which I don't. I mean who does? With all those little green leaves sticking out and it makes you all sleepy and…well eww. _

_So he pulls out a flask and hands it to me. I really couldn't believe it. I mean, obviously he drinks, everyone knows that. But what kind of prat brings alcohol to a TEACHER'S party? I guess I must have looked pretty skeptical cause he laughed and pushed it towards my nose. _

"_Don't worry," he said. "It's charmed to smell and taste like pumpkin juice." Which come on, that's pretty brilliant. So naturally, being the freewheeling young witch that I am, I downed the whole thing. Black, being Black, had several more tucked into his robes so about twenty minutes later the party became a lot more fun. We had a wicked time talking with all the adults, who, after enough firewhiskey 'pumpkin juice' are VERY entertaining. Especially that witch who remembers Harry Houdini as a 'sweet young thing'. _

_We left at about eleven and some how ended up outside. I think we took a couple of lefts when we meant to turn right, or something. Plus this staircase moved, which, when the world's already spinning is pretty intense! I had left my cloak in the dorm. Silly me, I should have known that on my first date with Black I'd end up outside. In the cold. Freezing my ass off. You'd think he'd know the castle better after all those stupid pranks. How on earth did they do it all? Peter, or Remus must have an actual sense of direction._

_So there we are, standing in the snow and, well I don't really know how to put this. It was so…romantic. We're standing there in the swirling snow and I'm shivering so he pulls me close and wraps me in his cloak with him. I forgot all about our bet for a moment, and when he kissed me, I shivered again. Although, the weird thing is, I wasn't even cold anymore. What do you suppose that's about? __So he kisses me and he tasted like pumpkin juice and biscuits__. Which is such a odd thing to remember. I don't even know why I put that in. Forget about it. In fact, I'm going to cross it out. _

_Anyway, as soon as he kisses me, I remembered what I was doing there and it was like someone had hit me with a sobering spell. I pulled away and told him we had to go in. He looked pretty shocked. I don't think anyone, once they've started kissing him, has ever just left it there. Not since third year anyway, when he tried to kiss bellatrix as a lark as she slapped him upside the head! I mean no one thought he would actually kiss his own cousin. Besides you'd think if he was going to he would have at least kissed the pretty one, Narcissa! Well now that your best friends with potter you can find out the reasoning…_

_We found our way back to the tower and just as he leaned in to kiss me, I got back on track, turned me head and let him kiss me on the cheek. I winked and ran up the stairs. You should have seen the look on his face, Lily! I thought he was going to have a heart attack, it was bloody fantastic! _

_So yeah, he left this morning with you, though I don't know whether you saw him or not on the train. I'm so jealous that you're going home. I'm pretty much the only one in our year left, though I'm going to my brother's for Christmas, so it's not that bad. Write me soon, I'm wasting away without out you. I better go, Hannah Prewett's leaning over my shoulder. Nosy bitch. Yeah, that's right, you Hannah! Read your own goddamn letters!_

_Love you to Jupiter and back again (the planet not that rocking quidditch player, although you can think of him if you'd rather – I know I would!!),_

_Anwen _

Lily patted Medea who bowed regally in return and hooted genially to Charis. Lily sighed, her head in her hands, Jupiter Talon, the chaser for the Applby Arrows winking roguishly at her from above her desk.

She had flooed home very early that morning and was feeling a little sleep deprived. There was so much she didn't understand, so many things she longed to understand. She felt torn. Reading Ann's letter, she wanted desperately to be back at Hogwarts, away from all this. She smiled to herself as she pictured Hannah's face. But then when she was at Hogwarts, she always longed to be at home. She felt guilty about being away when her sister and father had to handle all of this and she felt guilty about not feeling guilty enough.

"Lily!" her father called from downstairs.

Lily grabbed her coat. "Go on back Medea. I'll send Charis later."

Medea stared at her shrewdly for a moment before hooting and flying out the open window. Lily waved her wand and the window flew shut.

"Coming dad!" She cried, taking the stairs two at a time. She'd have to write when they got back from the hospital.

* * *

**Lily, December 22****nd**

**Where were you yesterday? I thought you were going home but I didn't see you on the train…I must have just missed you or something. Anyway, here is the owl, as promised! Look, I just wanted to say that I had a lot of fun the other night. I hope, well, I'd like it if we could do it again. You know sometime. Maybe. If you're up for it that is.  
**

**Things are okay here. Not great, but good. Sirius and I didn't speak two words the whole ride home and we sulked for about an hour before my mum decided enough was enough. Being my mum, who is wicked by the way – I can't remember if you've met her or not – anyway, she locked us in the dining room, where we could smell the food from the kitchen (bloody mean, that woman is) and told us we could eat when we worked things out. **

**So we're standing there, Sirius had his arms folded over his chest, and the stupid git just stared at me. Finally I decided that someone had to say something. You should have smelled that Treacle tart. I mean anyone in my position would have done the same thing, really. So I told him was a stupid ass he was. He told me he knew it. And then we just kind of stood there, feeling awkward. I've never heard him apologize before. Actually it was a little uncomfortable. **

**Finally he hugged me. Weird. **

**Other than that everything's been a little uneventful, although Sirius was talking in his sleep about Alford last night. Don't know what you know about it but it was quite funny. Owl me soon, I'm dead bored. **

**James**

Lily fingered the parchment fondly. The sun was setting, though it was only five, and her room felt so much chillier than it should have. She had been at the hospital all day both days since she'd been home. It's one of the great mysteries in life that sitting around can make you far more tired than going about your routine. She stifled a yawn and took out a fresh piece of parchment. She needed to write both Ann and James but she couldn't tell them what was going on. She debated it for a moment before deciding to write Ann. Fortunately, Ann's self absorbtion was finally going to come in handy. She'd written so much about herself that there really wasn't any need for Lily to even mention her own holiday.

_**Ann, December 23**_

_**I wish I had something really amusing to tell you, but since your letter was so lengthy it's probably best that I don't. It'll take me forever just to get down to business. I can't believe I missed that song at Slughorn's party! You know how much I love it! It's one of the things I miss most in the muggle world. I mean, it's not like they sell their records at the shops around here! I would just kill to go to a WiAnd I like Hagrid's banner. I found it kind of charming. **_

_**Sirius. Hmm. Okay. I'm going to say something and you're not going to like it. I'm afraid you may have a very serious case of attraction. It might be terminal. You should have it checked. God, I would love to be kissed in the snow like that, you lucky girl. Even if it was Sirius… And of course you ended up outside. What'd you think he'd do? Take you to a nice restaurant and order you Champagne? Honestly, the man is clueless. Still that last bit about turning your cheek was very funny. We have to buy a pensieve because I would love to see it. Poor, poor Sirius…he never knew what hit him. I have to hand it to you. The way you're headed you may just have him proposing by start of winter term. **_

_**Potter and I are not best friends. What on earth are you on about? I mean sure, we're friendly, and he did just owl me, and we talk and everything but come on, best friends? Who are you kidding? As for that business with Bellatrix, I think he was just trying to piss off his parents. They disowned him last year so who knows maybe he did a bit more that kiss her (still want to kiss him now???) **_

_**Everything's fairly hectic around here. Relatives, you know. Have you started on that assignment for Herbology? That woman ought to try growing daffodils in December, it's bloody hard.**_

_**Give Gwen, Bronwyn and Sayer a big kiss and a happy Christmas from me. I'll send your gift on the big day! **_

_**A bigger kiss than the one passed to the nieces,**_

_**Lily**_

_**P.S. Tell Hannah Prewett that we all know her hair isn't naturally that colour. That ought to shut her up!**_

* * *

_**James, December 23,**_

_**Awww, you and Sirius hugged! So sweet. Come on, admit it, you blokes hug all the time. I bet he's the best shag you've ever had. No need to lie to me James. I'm an expert Legilimens. Course it doesn't take an expert to see the way you two look at each other. Are you sure when he muttering Ann in his sleep you didn't mishear? Perhaps it was really James…just a thought. **_

_**As for my dearest Annie and good old Sirius, I'll take my information to the grave. Who knows maybe he was dreaming about a hippogriff named Ann. Maybe you dreamed it. Who knows? I still stick by him calling your name though. **_

_**What's Christmas like at a magical house? It must be brilliant. I'm afraid muggles, as lovely as they are, are rather mundane when it comes to Christmas. I'm dead tired. Sorry that was a bit random. But have you ever…I dunno…felt so tired even your bones hurt? I feel that way sometimes. I know Rip Van Winkle is an uncle of yours. Next time you see him, can you ask him if sleeping for a hundred years helped? I'd love to have a go. Well you're at it…I'd really like that spell…**_

_**It's snowing outside and I can hear my neighbors having a snow ball fight. Two little kids named Joey and Josh. I guess they're not so little anymore. But I used to babysit them. In fact, I used to babysit all the time. Did I ever tell you that? I'm actually quite good with children, though after that day in Hogsmeade you'd probably never guess. **_

_**Well it's nearly dinner time so I have to go. I know you said you were bored and this probably doesn't provide that much entertainment, but here it is nonetheless. And before i forget. It was fun. We should do it again. Any ideas??  
**_

_**Affectionately yours,**_

_**Lily**_

* * *

On Christmas day Lily woke to find two packages at her feet. In a moment she'd go downstairs to have Christmas with her family but she wanted to open her friends' gifts first. She had a feeling they'd give her some strength. She'd only been expecting a gift from Ann. The other gift was unmarked. She opened Ann's first.

Inside were two tickets to the Wacky Warlocks concert in February and the note accompanying it read:

_Lily! December 24__th_

_Happy Christmas!!! or by the time you get this it will be anyway. God, it's going to be awfully lonely waking up without you tomorrow but…I think I'll manage. Plus, I got my present from Aberthol a day early because he didn't want to give it to me in front of the girls – wait for it…a whole CASE of firewhiskey and vodka. Ho Ho Ho…am I right? So about your gift, I'm assuming you've already opened it, my grandmum knows their manager so I got us four prime tickets. You said you wanted to go to a concert right? You've got two and I've got two so I figure we can ask people. All I beg is that those people not include Maggie or Jenna. Maybe I'll ask Peter…_

_Can't wait to get our rockin' on,_

_Anwen_

Lily set the letter aside and grabbed the second gift. She unwrapped the simple brown paper and held in her hands a bottle of thick purple liquid with a cork top marked _Merlin's Dreamless Sleep Potion_. Puzzled she opened up the note that hung from the cork.

_**Had a feeling this might come in handy,**_

_**Happy Christmas**_

There was no signature. None at all.

* * *

**A/N well here's part one of this two part chapter. I thought you might like to have this half quicker than wait for all of it. I was going to post this much sooner but I've been spending every day in the hospital with my own mother. This chapter was planned ahead of time so unfortunately this is a case of life imitating art. Thanks so much for the lovely reviews and expect the next chapter Sunday night or Monday.**

**Next time – James tells about his Christmas, Sirius writes lupin and a new years celebration is in order, for all. Plus, who sent lily that gift and what on earth has Sirius been dreaming about?**

**Thanks to: Lemonwedges4, Halfbloodhannah, stinkabhel, Abarraine**

**Dancingcavalier – wow well done. You got it exactly right! I very much intend to keep updating thanks for reading!**

**messyblackhair66 – ten points to Gryffindor it is. Your first guess was right but well done on the minotaur reference! I'm glad you decided to stick with the story. It does get a little dramatic in the beginning, but I think it strikes a better balance further on. **

**Shadowrayne & AlaiLuver – Yes that's exactly right! I love it. Thanks for the review!**

**Miss SJB – I look forward to your reviews. You've been with this story from the beginning, so I'm always eager to hear what you think of any given chapter. I like all reviews, obviously, but reviewers who have been reviewing since the first chapter get a special place in my heart. ;) **

**Izthedoodler – I feel sorry for Sirius too. He doesn't always have it easy, whatever James might think. And I think James is being very sweet when he lets Lily have her time alone.**


	11. Sit and Listen II

Mad World

Chapter Ten

Subtitled: Sit and Listen II

Quotation: Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

Frank Sinatra

* * *

**Lily, December 26**

**Happy Christmas! Christmas in a magical house is brilliant, though I bet it'd be better if you'd never had one before. My mum charmed the fairies to light up our tree and my dad asked all the portraits to sing carols. They were pretty good except for the one of Vlad the Impaler. He really can't hold a tune. **

**My gifts were really good this year. I got all the usual stuff, you know cockroach clusters and chocolate frogs in my stocking. My great aunt Mildred got me a membership to the London Quidditch club, which was so wicked. The best gift, though, was from the marauders. They got me magic beans. Fancy a climb up a beanstock? I say we plant it at Hogwarts and see what comes down. Rumour has it that the wicked witch that ate Hansel and Gretel (the muggles always get the story wrong) was banished up there. Maybe we'll get lucky and she'll come down and eat Snape. Course, dad reckons the salesman pulled the wool over their eyes and it won't work but I say we should try it, just to be safe. **

**My Uncle Rip is somewhere in India, but when he gets back I'll ask him about it. Course, I'd really rather you didn't sleep for a hundred years. I'll look like Dumbledore when you get back and somehow I don't think I could pull off the beard!**

**My mum said I could have a New Years Eve party. Can you slip away for one night? If so just floo to Belle Terre, my house (I didn't name it) around five that day. Send me an owl and let me know. It's not going to be a big deal or anything. Just the marauders and Anwen owled me just now and said she could come. Hope you can make it!**

**James **

"Who's it from?" Henry Evans asked as he folded up his paper.

Lily put the letter aside and began to butter her toast. "My friend James from school. He invited me to a new years party. I'll owl him after breakfast and tell him I can't go."

"Don't be ridiculous." Her father said, pouring Petunia more juice. "It's only one night. Of course you can go."

"Dad –"

"Lily, your mum won't even know you're gone. She's been unconscious for nearly two weeks. Go." It was an order. Lily looked at him, about to protest, but the lines on his face had been etched so much deeper lately and she really didn't think he could handle an argument.

"Can I go?" Petunia asked hopefully, her blonde hair still wild with behead.

"Sorry Pet. He didn't say I could invite anyone."

Petunia's face turned stormy and she stared moodily at her cereal as if it had been the culprit. "You never let me do anything. You think you're so cool just because you're a stupid witch!" She pushed back roughly from the table. "I hate you!" she cried and ran from the room.

Lily sighed. "Pet –" she called, but her sister was already pounding up the stairs.

Her father put up his hand. "Let her go. We're all tired. It's been a long week."

_**James, December 26,**_

_**My dad said I could come. I'll see you on the 31**__**st**_

_**Lily**_

* * *

James looked around the room in satisfaction. "Well men, I think we're done."

Sirius looked up lazily from the couch. "I don't see why we had to arranged the furniture ten different times. It's not like Evans will see the couch in the wrong place and never speak to you again."

James scowled at him and plopped down hard at his feet, making Sirius bounce up. "Mature, James." He drawled. "Really mature."

"Well at least we're doing something this new years. Last year I had to look after the cats." Peter muttered in disgust. Remus and James grimaced in sympathy.

"I'm just glad it's not a full moon." Remus shivered. "It was really awful last time."

Just then the fireplace lit up and chocolate curls tumbled out, followed by a body.

"Lo there Anwen!" James said cheerfully as he helped her up. "Pleasant journey?"

Ann coughed and scowled at him, trying and failing to wipe the soot off herself. "Oh yeah bloody pleasant. I hate floo powder. I always did." She glared resentfully at the fireplace and looked around. "God it's good to be away from school. Hannah Prewett poured juice in my cereal yesterday. How you ever kissed that woman I'll never understand." She said loftily and hoisted her bag onto the table. Sirius shrugged casually.

"What you have there?" Remus asked eyeing the bulging bag.

"Our night's entertainment boys." She pulled out several handles of alcohol and a pack of cards. "Courtesy of my brother Aberthol. I do hope your parents don't mind drunken debauchery, Jamie."

Peter grinned and ran towards the contents, which were now spread on the table. "God I love this woman."

"My parents went to London for the night. Fancy hotel and all that."

"What you mean your parents still like each other?" Ann raised her eyebrows.

"Disgusting, isn't it?" Sirius asked as a coughing, sputtering, red haired mess arrived on Ann's heels.

"Lily's here!" Remus announced. Lily stood up with Ann's help and surveyed the room. It was richly decorated in crimson and emerald green with three huge couches surrounding a mahogany table.

"Hello everyone." She said weakly through her masses of hair. "So, what's the plan for tonight?"

Everyone looked at the table and Lily smiled wryly. "Of course, we're going to get hammered."

Ann grinned and pulled up the pack of cards. "Not just any hammered, Lily dear. We're going to make it interesting."

"Are we playing gin rummy too?" Lily asked, sitting next to Remus with a giggle.

Ann rolled her eyes. "You people have no imagination. These are drinking cards."

Peter took them from her. "They're blank, Alford."

Ann snatched them back and rolled her eyes. "They're magic, you great idiot. We draw a card and it shouts a question. Each of us answers and based on the quality of the answer the car tells us how many shots to drink. If you lie you have to chug an entire glass. It really moves things along. Oh also there are wild cards that shout out orders."

Sirius looked at her in admiration. "You know, I think I really underestimated you."

"I think you'll find that's always the case, Black." Ann said coolly and put the cards next to the drinks.

After a very filling dinner of Boeuf Stroganoff and various desserts they filed back into one of James' many, many living rooms.

"So James, how does it feel to be richer than Croesus?" Ann asked, as she kneeled conjured a chair to sit in at the fourth side of the table.

"Brilliant actually, as you'll find out when your grandparents hit the bucket." He said as he poured six shots and passed them around.

"Something I look forward to daily." She said sarcastically and finished shuffling the cards.

"Alright, Lily, you first." She handed the deck to her as Lily directly to her right.

Lily picked up the card.

"**First Kiss."** It shouted.

Lily looked around the room, rather embarrassed. "Well, uh…"

"**We don't have all day**!" The card said again. Sirius burst out laughing.

"Cheeky little thing, isn't it?" he said.

"Remus, third year." Lily spat out. James turned to Remus looking absolutely murderous. Remus carefully avoided his eyes but had turned a delicate shade of red.

**Two shots! **Lily took them in record time but look ready to throw up.

Sirius pounded Remus' back. "Didn't even know you had it in you!"

Lily passed the cards to Peter before anyone could say anymore.

"**Biggest secret"**

"Uh, I'm afraid of Snape."

"**One shot"**

The cards passed to James.

"**Most embarrassing moment"**

"Second year, Ann touched her lips to tell me I had pudding on mouth but I..well I misunderstood her, so I kissed her instead."

"**Three shots"**

Everyone roared with laughter. "Oh my god, I forgot about that. I just thought you were some sort of pervert.!"

James shrugged. "Well I kind of was, to be fair."

Sirius picked up a card next.

"**Virginity"**

Sirius grinned. "Fourth year, that lovely bird Kathleen Thomas."

"**One shot."**

Everyone turned to him rather shocked. "The seventh year?" Lily asked shaking her head.

Sirius took his shot proudly.

Remus went next.

"**Secret love."**

"I don't have one."

"**Drink a whole glass!"**

Everyone turned to him. "So it seems Remus here has been keeping a secret." Sirius said, laughing but Remus stared determinedly at his very large glass of vodka.

Ann pulled her card.

"**Kiss the person opposite you."**

Ann looked over at Peter and laughed. Peter glanced at her, pink to his very ears.

"I love this bleeding game!" Remus cried.

Ann leaned over the table, beckoning Peter towards her and kissed him deeply, watching Sirius out of the corner of her eye. He looked ready off himself.

"Brilliant." Peter said in wonderment, shaking his head. Everyone laughed.

"**Both take four shots." **

Peter leaned back heavily, feeling slightly dizzy.

Lily took the cards from Ann, almost afraid of what she might get.

"**Best Shag."**

"I'm a virgin." Lily said with as much dignity as she could muster.

"**Have five shots dear, maybe it will help you with that." **The cards said kindly.

"You're a virgin?" Remus asked. "No way. What about Edgar Bones last year?"

"What about him?" Lily asked between shots. Her face screwing up as each one slid down her throat.

"I'm with Remus, I mean we always assumed…" Sirius said, shaking his head disbelievingly.

"Don't assume, it makes an ass out of you." Ann said sharply,

"I think the phrase is, it makes an ass out of you and me." Sirius said.

"I know what the phrase is."

Peter pulled his card.

"**Remove an article of clothing."**

He pulled off a sock.

"**Poor form. Six shots." **

Peter stared at the alcohol blearily. And took them, rather sloppily one at a time. "I think I'm going to be sick." He muttered, staring at the empty shot glass in front of him.

"I'll take him upstairs." Remus said, eager to get out of this game before one, or more of his secrets were revealed. He helped him up and out of the room leaving, Lily, James, Sirius and Ann alone.

James went next.

"**Switch seats with the person on your right"**

James and Sirius switched seats putting James across from Lily and next to Ann.

"**One shot"**

Having now moved, it had skipped Sirius and went on to Ann.

"**Least favorite person in the room." **

Ann shifted uncomfortably in her chair and decided to gamble.

"Sirius."

"**When will you learn? Drink a glass!"**

Lily and James exchanged meaningful looks and Sirius felt very light in a way that had nothing to do with alcohol. By this point they were all rather drunk. Ann was having a bit of trouble sitting up properly so she moved next to Lily of the couch for a little bit of support.

Lily leaned forward to take her card but had to be steadied.

"**Biggest fear." **

Lily stared at the card for a moment, unsure what to say. She was afraid of so many things. She took a deep breath. Her head was beginning to pound.

"**Being too much to handle."**

No one found this funny. James looked uncomfortable. Ann and Sirius found it rather ridiculous, though.

"**Two shots."**

Sirius pulled his card.

"**Kiss the person on your right."**

Sirius looked at James in horror. "What's the matter with these cards, Alford?"

Ann shrugged, looking highly amused. "Dunno but you'd better do it."

James scooted away wondering if he could make a break fast enough but Sirius, who wanted to keep playing and didn't think that'd be possible if he had to chug a glass of vodka, was quicker and he kissed James lightly on the lips before he could be stopped.

The laughter was deafening and James looked very much like he might be sick.

"Wow, it seems I've underestimated you!" Ann cried.

"I never thought you'd do it!" Lily giggled, hiccupping slightly.

"You're not sleeping in my room anymore, Black." James said darkly, which only made the girls laugh harder.

Sirius shrugged. "Have it your way. You know you liked it."

James moved into Ann's old seat and pulled his card.

"**That was so much fun, let's do it again. Now you kiss the person on your right." **

James looked over at Lily who was sitting cross legged, still giggling. She stopped mid giggle and looked at him wide-eyed. He threw his cards down.

"Games over." He said curtly and threw the cards to the table, and stalked from the room. The air seemed to have been sucked from the room and Lily looked from Ann to Sirius, hurt and embarrassed.

"I guess Sirius is better kisser." She mumbled, but it wasn't funny. "I, well, I better go." She said after a very uncomfortable moment and walked to the fireplace before anyone could say anything.

Ann looked at Sirius, bewildered. "What just happened here."

Sirius shrugged helplessly. "Damned if I know. Drink?"

* * *

The sunlight streamed in the room and Sirius groaned. His head was pounding and his back hurt. His leg was asleep. His eyes flickered open and his heart rate skyrocketed as he saw a mass of brown curls covering his chest, snoring softly. Empty glasses and bottles littered the room.

"Happy New Year." The girl mumbled.

* * *

**A/N – Here we go, much more up to my usual standard, I think so anyway. I hope you all liked it. So why wouldn't James kiss Lily? What happened between Ann and Sirius? And that pesky potion, what's that about?**

**Miss SJB – My mom's holding steady, thanks so much for asking! I'm glad you'll have more free time. I'll try and get the next parts up faster so you'll have something to do!**

**Dancingcavalier – I don't think it would that weird. Miss SJB has review almost every chapter and so has halfbloodhannah. I think it just depends on who you are. Thanks for your support about my mom. It's been really rough. And I won't be handing out any prizes just yet…**

**Messblackhair66 – Thanks so much for the review, I hope you liked this chapter!**


	12. When People Run in Circles

_Mad World_

_Chapter Eleven  
_

_Subtitled: When People Run in Circles_

_Quotation: According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes and women say the first thing they notice about men is they are a bunch of liars _

_**Unknown**_

* * *

The sunlight streamed in the room and Sirius groaned. His head was pounding and his back hurt. His leg was asleep. His eyes flickered open and his heart rate skyrocketed as he saw a mass of brown curls covering his chest, snoring softly. Empty glasses and bottles littered the room.

"Happy New Year." The girl mumbled.

Sirius suddenly felt like he might be sick. "Ann?" he asked, his voice cracking slightly.

"Hmm?" Ann shifted as she slowly opened her eyes. "Oh my fucking god." She cried jumping up.

"You took the words right out of my mouth." Sirius said dryly, sitting up with considerable effort.

Ann looked down and saw she was wearing Sirius' boxers and her own bra. She covered her chest, and turned to him in horror, but quickly averted her eyes.

Sirius grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it over the family jewels. She put her hands in her hair and sat down in the arm chair. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." She panted, a sound that Sirius found faintly reminiscent of the night before.

"Did we..?" Sirius asked delicately, looking around desperate for some clue.

Ann shook her head miserably. "I don't know. I can't remember."

"Hey Sirius do you want to eat yet – whoa!" James cried as he walked in, his hands flew to his eyes and he turned around. "Uh, sorry, I…uh…well there's food downstairs…when you're ready that is." If it was possible, James was even more embarrassed.

"Yeah, thanks, we'll be down in a moment." Sirius said.

"Right then." Said James, hightailing it to the door, and shutting it firmly behind himself.

The silence was deafening. Ann, shivered and began to look around for her clothes. Her jeans were draped over the couch, her shirt was at Sirius' feet, and much to her utter humiliation, her panties were on the table.

"Well I'm sure I would have remembered that." Sirius said, eyeing the purple lace panties.

Ann glared at him, her face burning with anger and embarrassment. "Apparently not." She said shortly and scooped them up, bunching them up in her hands. She started for the door and stopped.

"What?" he asked.

"Well I can't go out there, can I…and neither can you." She looked to him, spread out naked except for a single throw pillow, appalled.

"Plus, you're, well…" he pointed to his boxers which still hung loosely on her hips, the snitches having the nerve to fly about cheerfully at a moment such as this.

"Well turn around, then." She said, trying her best to sound dignified but sounding rather ridiculous as she stood there, barefoot in her bra, his boxers and her hair cascading wildly down her back. Sirius turned around dutifully, moving the pillow so that it covered his other side.

"It's not like it's something I've never seen before." He muttered under his breath.

She chucked a pillow at his head.

She shimmed out of his boxers and pulled on her panties and jeans as fast as she could. She tossed the boxers onto the couch. A few moments later they were both dressed and avoiding each other's eyes at all costs. They arrived at the door at the same time, bumping shoulders.

"I'm sorry." Said Sirius.

"After you." Said Ann.

"No, I insist."

"I insist."

"Well thank you."

"You're quite welcome."

Ann had never had a more awkward conversation in her entire life.

"Morning, guys." James said, grinning stupidly. "Did you stay _up _all night?"

"Yeah that was some pretty _stiff _competition we had." Said Peter.

"Do you think we should get some _shag _carpet in our room, Sirius?" asked Remus.

"I think the house-elves have done a _bang _up job on this breakfast." Said James.

"Which reminds me, James, _how's your father_?" Asked Peter, at which they all burst out laughing.

"Very funny." Ann said, sitting down huffily and immediately shooting back up as she realized she'd chosen the seat next to Sirius. This only made everyone laugh harder. Remus shot milk through his nose and James held his stomach. "I'm leaving." She announced loftily. "I'll see you all at school." And she swept from the room.

Sirius looked around sheepishly and poured himself a drink.

"So?" James asked, after a moment, leaning over his plate and dragging his sleeve in the butter.

"So what?" Sirius asked, chewing determinedly.

Peter threw up his hands. "So how was she?"

"I don't know." Sirius said truthfully and helped himself to some bacon.

James narrowed his eyes, confused. "But I thought you guys –"

Sirius shrugged. "I can't remember."

"Are you barmy man? What kind of bender did you to go on?" Remus asked, putting down his toast in bewilderment.

"Dunno, but I still feel a bit bladdered, to tell you the truth."

"So you're back to square one, then?" James asked.

"You and me both, mate." Sirius said suddenly, the early part of the evening coming back to him.

"What do you mean?" Peter asked.

"I mean, James had a chance to kiss Lily but walked out of the room like a little girl."

At this announcement, James looked simply furious. "I had my reasons," he said churlishly.

"Wait a second." Peter said, looking from Sirius to James in astonishment. "You mean to tell me that you," he pointed to James. "Had the chance to kiss a girl you've been in LOVE with since you realized sex wasn't gross and you said no. And you," he pointed to Sirius. "possibly may have shagged the girl you've been after for months but you don't even remember it?" He looked to Remus in amazement.

Remus shook his head. "Fine pair you lot make. Honestly we left you alone for one hour and you messed up years of work. You'll be lucky if either of them ever speak to you again."

"Actually I think I'll be luck if nine months from now I'm not a father." Sirius said, gloomily, the reality of the situation finally hitting him.

James dropped his knife with a clang. "You mean you didn't –"

"I told you I can't remember!"

"Wow, and I thought I was in trouble." James said.

* * *

The trouble with plans was that they, without fail, go horribly awry. In Ann's case, things hadn't just gone horribly awry, they had bombed in a way she could never, ever have predicted. The trouble was, she finally decided, that she had put too much stock in her own self control. She had been convinced that whatever Black threw at her, she could resist, even her own alcohol. The irony, of course, that it was her own boos that had been her undoing, was not lost on her. Fortunately she had a very supportive best friend who understood just how horrific the situation was, mostly.

Lily giggled with as little exuberance as she could manage. "I'm sorry, I know it's not funny it's just…well we've been trying to put one over on him for months and you end up naked,"

"—half naked!"

"—Right, half-naked in bed—"

"—On the couch!"

"Right, on the couch with him and forty empty vodka bottles. It _is_ a little ridiculous."

"It's bleeding horrible, is what it is." Ann muttered.

Lily rubbed her back sympathetically. "Look, it's not so bad. He doesn't remember anything. You don't remember anything. Look, maybe nothing happened." Even as she said this, Lily knew she was probably wrong. After all, Sirius Black was hardy known for his self-restraint and as when Ann was drunk hedonistic urges always took precedence over higher goals. Still, it's what she would have wanted to hear, so she said it. Because that's what good friends do and Lily was a good friend.

Ann looked up at her hopefully. "Yeah maybe you're right."

Lily smiled. "See."

"Uh, but I have to see him tomorrow." She groaned pathetically.

"So take the upper hand. Prove you don't care." Said Lily, swiping her red hair out of her eyes, and stretching out on Ann's bed in their dorm room.

"Yes…but how?"

"Invite him to the concert. But casually not like you expect anything but in a 'I'm so above this all I can act like nothing happened' way, you know?"

Ann turned her and smiled, a little shocked. "Lils, you're quite good aren't you?"

Lily shrugged. "Are you kidding? I'm so good at this I managed to so repulse a boy who was once in love with me that he didn't even want to kiss me anymore!" she said it lightly, but it was clear she was painfully embarrassed.

Ann sucked in her lower lip, thoughtfully. "There's something else going on there…Look why don't you invite James too. That way it will look twice as casual to Sirius AND James won't know you even care --  
"

"I don't care!"

"—of course you don't." Ann said automatically. "Plus it'll buy us time to figure out our next steps…Ace! Alright, c'mon we're going to go do it." She grabbed Lily's hand and had her half-way out the door before Lily could even say another word but then stopped dead in her tracks, almost knocking over Lily as she ran into Ann's back. "We'd better wait till we see them. It'll seem more spontaneous and casual."

Lily rolled her eyes.

James munched his muffin thoughtfully as he flicked his wand back and forth, back and forth, Snape shouting and kicking in the air above him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of red and his hand dropped, Snape crashing rather spectacularly behind him at the feet of a second year Ravenclaw who gave a great shriek. Apparently, she wasn't used to seventh year boys landing at her feet and getting grease all over her new shoes.

"'lo there, Lily." He said cautiously.

Lily smiled politely and Ann gave Sirius a uninterested wave. They each reached for a piece of fruit.

"Alright there, Ann?" Sirius asked, feeling painfully embarrassed and not really sure why. He slept with loads of girls before, but somehow this one made him want to get his hands on a time turner.

"Just fine Black." Ann said coolly and took a piece of toast. She turned to Lily. "So, did you hear that new Warlocks song on the wireless?"

"The Wacky Warlocks? I love the Warlocks!" James said, behind him Snape groaned and pointed his wand at James' head. Without even looking, James waved his wand and sent Snape flying back towards his table.

"Yeah I did. It was wicked, wasn't it?" Lily said.

"Was it that one about cauldrons?" Sirius asked.

"I love the Warlocks." James said again.

Ann and Lily exchanged small looks. "Oh you do?" Lily asked, looking shocked. "Well we've got two extra tickets to their concert on February 13th. If you feel like it, you can come." Lily said, cool-as-you-please.

"Yeah could be fun." Ann said, looking very much like she couldn't possibly care less.

"Definitely!" Sirius said grinning.

"Well alright then, I've got some work. I'm going to head back." Lily said to Ann as though once again Sirius and James had disappeared.

"I'll go with you. That essay on Merlin's oldest son will take me forever."

James turned to Sirius as the girls walked away. "And Moony said they'd never talk to us again!" He smiled arrogantly.

Sirius grinned and grabbed another egg. "I mean those girls didn't even care!"

In the hallway Lily high-fived Ann.

"It's like taking butterbeer from a baby." She said and giggled.

* * *

**A/N – Alright everyone the next chapter is going to absolutely explosive and I'll make a little deal with you. We're at 55 reviews right now. If we can get to seventy the next chapter will be twice as long as this one making it about 4,000 or 5,000 words. Including, but not limited too the concert, some intense confrontations between James and Lily and of course Valentines Day. Now I know we all want to see that stuff so review away!**

**Also, you all really need to check out Pureblood Productions on youtube. and paste that link. **

**It's the best video I've ever seen! It's a H/G but they've also done J/L/S, R/Hr, and even a snape/McGonagall. Beautiful editing, smooth transitions everything… check it out!**

**Halfbloodhannah – I love hearing from you but you are by all means allowed (and encouraged to have a life!) plus the less time you spend reading my fic, the more time you spend writing yours, so in the end it all works out for me!**

**Lemonwedges 4- The game doesn't have any particular name but you are more than welcome to name it yourself! In my head I call it the 'get so drunk you have blackout sex' game. Not recommended for children!**

**Izthedoodler – I was rather annoyed with James too. But he DID have his reasons!**

**Dancing Cavalier – No need to review every old chapter! Good lord that kind of devotion would be nutty, but if you want to review from now on I could live with it…;) As for James, he's got his reasons. **

**Messyblackhair66 – James is weird, but I also think, in some ways, he's just more subtle than Sirius…dunno just my thought. **

**Horsebookworm – Why thank you! Hope you liked this one. **


	13. No One Knew Me

_Mad World_

_Chapter Twelve_

_Subtitled: No One Knew Me_

_Quotation: We live as we dream, alone_

**Conrad**

* * *

In the weeks following new years something very subtle changed. Ann couldn't really put her finger on just what exactly. It's not that she liked Sirius more (not that she would even admit that she did in the first place), or that she suddenly had some crazy desire to be with him (because that would have been very crazy indeed). It was more that she noticed things about him that she had never noticed before. Stupid things, really. Little things. Things like how he smelled (almond and broom polish) or that his hair always fell into his left eye, or that he always smiled a little brighter when he had a good idea (or at least he thought it was a good idea). It was actually a bit disconcerting to be going on your merry way and suddenly be over powered by the way he bit his lip when he was thinking and to quite honest, it was starting to disturb her.

She was having such a problem in Transfiguration, the last class of the day. He had arrived late with Pettigrew in toe, completely nonplussed that McGonagall looked ready to kill him. Peter had taken the empty seat next to James and Remus, so Sirius sat at her and Lily's table, giving her a roguish wink and placing his hand carelessly and perilously close to hers. Ann could feel his body heat and was finding it very difficult to remember just why it was imperative to learn how to turn attacking animals into flowers.

"Hey, Alford, come with me to Hogsmeade after class." He whispered in her ear, completely unperturbed that McGonagall could see them and looked less than pleased.

Ann suppressed a smile, something else that was completely disturbing, and struggled to keep her voice even, something she had never before had trouble with.

"It's freezing outside." She hissed, glancing out the window at the bitter January wind.

"Don't worry, I'll keep you warm."

Ann rolled her eyes and next to her Lily snorted. Apparently Lily was still immune to his charms. Traitor of a best friend.

"I'll think about it." Ann said shortly.

Sirius took this as a yes. "Brilliant." He said, slumping down comfortably in his chair.

Ann knew she should say no. She knew she should shimmy up to him as though she were going to say yes and then publicly dismiss him. She knew she should laugh in his face and then fall over James for effect. She knew she should do anything, anything that is but what she did. She walked up to him after class, fully prepared to kiss Remus full on the lips and see what Sirius did but then, to her horror, something alarming happened.

"Well are we going, or what?" she asked, shocked at herself as she stared at him chatting with his friends.

Whether he saw the look in her eyes or not, Sirius didn't show, he simply took it in stride and grinned. "Later mates." He said and waved amiably at the marauders who were smirking, looking rather pleased with themselves, as though they had just gotten a date. They walked past Lily, who stared at them, confused.

"So where to?" Ann asked as they stood by the one eyed witch, waiting for the crowds in the hallway to thin out.

"I dunno, maybe the Three Broomsticks? What do you think?"

Ann shrugged, trying to look casual. "Could be fun." She said, noncommittally, suddenly aware that she wasn't wearing any makeup and that she'd thrown up her hair rather haphazardly that morning because she had been late for charms.

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, could be fun." He repeated, but he was smiling to himself as though she had just something very funny. It was infuriating and Ann felt as though somehow, miraculously, he had gained the upper hand. "Alright, we can go." He said and slipped into the passage way. "Lumos." He whispered, Ann following closely behind. He reached out and grabbed her hand. Ann didn't pull away.

They emerged into the cold several minutes later, Ann shivering wildly. "How is it, I always end up freezing when you're around." Ann muttered, noticing for the first time that she wasn't wearing her cloak.

Sirius shrugged and pulled her into the crowded and busy streets. "I like to live on the wild side." He said and held open the door to the three broomsticks. "Ladies first."

"Thank you." She said and walked gratefully into the crowded and vibrant pub, warmth washing over himself. "I'll grab seats." She said and walked to a booth in the corner.

"Two firewhiskeys, Rosmerta my love." Sirius said, smiling widely at the pretty, young bartender.

"Sirius, you know I can't serve you." Rosmerta said, grinning at the good looking boy in front of her. They had played this game every time he had come in since his third year.

"Ahh, but this time I'm of age." Sirius said, looking rather proud of this.

"Well it had to happen sooner or later." Rosmerta conceded, smiling slightly as she tapped the bar and too steaming firewhiskeys appeared. Sirius took them and began to walk away.

"I'll be back." He called.

"You always are."

Sirius winked at her and put a glass in front of Ann, who raised her eyebrows. "Are you nuts? Don't you remember what happened last time we did this?"

"Nope, and neither do you. I say we need a reenactment to jog our memory."

"And I say dream on." Ann said, blushing lightly but she sipped her drink anyway. They sat in a comfortable silence, each trying to find something to say. This wasn't their first date but it was the first time they'd been alone together sober. At Slughorn's party there had been so much to distract them, so much else to talk about. Ann, who hadn't been on a proper date in ages, had forgotten just how much work they were.

"So what did you think of that assignment of history magic?" "I have a motorcycle."

They said at the same time and burst out laughing, embarrassed.

"Well this is going well." Ann said, amused.

Sirius laughed and suddenly the ice was broken. It was as though they suddenly remembered that they had been friends for seven years, and not some people who met in a bar. Although in some ways, that was harder. There were no 'getting to know you' questions, all that had been covered years ago. And then there was the fact that they'd already had sex. Or at least they both think they might've. That certainly lent a new level of awkwardness. And witty banter could only take you so far. For the first time in her life, Ann wished she were more interesting, that she was one of those girls who could make anyone laugh, and who was easy to talk to. Instead she had been systematically shutting people down her whole life. It didn't exactly make for great conversation. Well not outside a therapists office anyway.

"You know, when I was younger, about twelve, James and I broke into my parents wine cellar. I don't think I've ever been so sick." Sirius said thoughtfully. Ann looked up hopefully. This was something. They could talk about this.

"Did your parents kill you?" She asked.

Sirius shrugged bitterly, a darkness falling on his laughing, careless face that she'd never seen before. "No more so than usual." Ann felt a rush of something that she'd never felt before, something that felt strangely like compassion.

"You've had it pretty rough, haven't you?" she asked, not even sure why she was asking. This was the point where Sirius usually barked with laughter and made some off-hand comment about how he was pretty sure he wasn't actually related, after all hadn't they ever seen Regulus. But something compelled him forward.

"Yeah, I mean it sucked. That's for sure. But the Potter are really great people. I mean I don't know if I would have taken me in."

"I would have." Ann said softly, staring at him intensely. He looked up and met her gaze, mesmerized. They leaned forward slowly, and out of the corner of his eye Sirius saw a flash of a familiar face.

"Snape!" he cried.

"Excuse me?" Ann said, leaning back, offended.

Sirius looked at her impatiently. "No!" He said pointing out the window. "Snape! What the hell is he doing here? It's not a Hogsmeade day."

Ann threw up her hands, exasperated. "We're here!"

"Yes but he's NEVER here. And he's running. Why is he running?" He was already half out the door. Ann sighed and ran after him. Sure enough, the greasy head of Severus Snape was winding through the crowd at an alarming speed. He was clutching his arm. Sirius grabbed Ann's hand and dragged her after him, running double time.

They saw him standing at a street corner, panting slightly. Sirius drew his wand and slowed down, moving stealthily. He pushed Ann behind him as he approached, feeling very much like suddenly the rules had changed. Like suddenly they were no longer school boys who could be punished and put to bed. He regretted bringing Ann here. Had he been James, or Remus, slightly more cautious and aware. He would have left it. But Sirius was reckless. He always had been. Snape was up to something and judging from the way he looked around himself wildly, something very, very bad.

"Sirius –"

"Shh." He said and there was something in his eyes that told Ann to listen. A tall, hooded figure approached Snape as they crept closer. The hooded figure raised its hand, a sliver a dark skin showing and brought it down quickly, the emerald green cloak swishing as it disappeared. Snape looked out into the crowd as he raised his own wand, his eyes meeting Sirius' for one terrible moment, burning with anger and then, just like that, he was gone.

Ann watched the whole thing, flabbergasted, suddenly finding the cheerful and bustling afternoon streets to be sinister. She shivered. There had been something in Snape's eyes. Something that went beyond school-boy loathing. "Sirius," She whispered tugging on his sleeve as he continued to stare determinedly at the space that had once held Snape. "Sirius." She whispered again, her voice shaking slightly. "Let's just go, okay?"

He turned slowly, only half hearing her, not tearing his from that spot until it was physically impossible to keep looking. He put an arm around her and started down the street. "Sure." He whispered. "Sure."

* * *

The next morning Snape was at breakfast but he looked pale, and drawn, like he'd never in his life. Even his greasy hair had lost its sheen.

"What's with Snivellous?" Remus asked thickly, several slices of bacon stuffed in his mouth at once.

"Living up to his full potential, I guess." James said and shrugged as seventh year Hufflepuff Kevin McCormick walked over. Kevin was tall, lithe and athletic with bright ginger hair and a sweet smile. He'd been friends with Lily since the second year when she'd charmed his hair back to normal after a rather nasty pranking spree from the marauders. No one had been safe that week, even Lily had ended up with three noses.

"Hi Lily." He said shyly, as behind him his friends watched from his table, clearly cheering him on. James' eyes narrowed, and he knocked over Peter's pumpkin juice.

"lo there, Kevin." Lily said kindly and offered a smile. She'd always liked Kevin. He was nice, kind, good looking but not big-headed. Exactly the kind of guy she'd always seen herself with.

"I was just wondering, if maybe you'd want to go out sometime." He asked in one breath, clearly taking all of his courage.

"I don't think that's such a good idea. I'm sorry Kevin." Lily said and quickly excused herself. James, for one brilliant moment, was thrilled, but as the red hair swished out the door he found himself going after her leaving four very confused people behind.

"I don't get it." He heard Ann say as he was leaving. "She's always had a bit of a crush on Kevin."

He found Lily pacing the floor in their common room as though her life depended on it. "Alright there Lily?" he asked nervously. She barely seemed him though.

"God!" she cried, almost to herself. "What the hell is the matter with me?"

James started to say something but he had no idea what. He was completely out of his element. Luckily Lily, like most teenage girls on a rant, required little prompting.

"What the hell is my problem? Kevin is really cute, and really nice. He's always been good to me.." her pacing had reached feverish pace. James had never seen her quite like this. Suddenly she turned on her heel, her green eyes flashing dangerously. "Why do you like me?" she demanded.

"What?" He asked, shifting his weight uncomfortably. He'd expected several things, a weeping Lily desperate for comfort among them, but certainly not this.

"Why do you like me?" She asked again impatiently. "I'm messed up James. I mean really, really messed up. If you even knew the half of it." She said desperately.

"You're not –"

"Oh yes I am. I mean fucked up. I can't even go on a normal date because I'm such a headcase. If anyone knew…" she broke off and James got the distinct impression that somewhere along the way, though he wasn't sure where, she had started talking to herself again. Her desperation was contagious.

"I think I'm in love with you!" he burst out before he could stop himself. He could have killed himself. Of all the stupid things to say…You're a fat whore might have been a better choice. Suddenly he felt like he should be the one listing just how messed up he was.

Lily, though, didn't seem the slightest bit moved by his outburst. "I know you do." She said. "But you're not."

"How do you know?"

She waved her hand impatiently. "Because if you were there wouldn't be any thinking involved." She snapped. James felt like this was a pretty stupid time to get caught up in semantics. "Besides, you don't know me. Not really." She finished softly, staring a bit forlornly into the fire. She seemed to have deflated in the millisecond.

"Lily –" he started.

"We should go." She said, an odd look in her eyes. She didn't want him to finish his sentence. "We're going to be late for Charms." And with that she burst past him and stalked out the door. James stood there for a moment, watching the tapestry swaying after her feeling completely, and utterly bewildered. He didn't much care if they missed Charms. Somehow, he didn't think all the education in the world would teach him a damn thing worth learning.

* * *

**A/N – sry guys really, really long week emotionally, physically etc. But here it is. The NEXT part is going to have the concert and something else (I don't want to ruin the surprise. I want to thank Emilyevans, Halfbloodhannah, Miss SJB, An Aspiring Author, Erinye, Abbarraine, izthedoodler, horsebookworm, hello.immarysue, dancingcavalier, and messyblackhair66 for reviewing. Normal notes to reviewers to return with the next installment. Sleep must happen and this girl is sleepy. Thanks for reading and please review!**


	14. The Dreams in Which I'm Dying

Mad World

Chapter Thirteen

Subtitled: The Dreams In Which I'm Dying

The mud squished beneath Lily's feet as she shifted her weight, rubbing her arms as she tried to keep warm. The moon was out, a quarter moon, shining down on them but providing no warmth on the freezing February night. She, James, Ann, and Sirius were in Hogsmeade, waiting to apparate to Pembroke, on the Western coast of Wales, for the concert. They'd sneaked out at half-past ten, just before curfew, after Lily and James had bribed two sixth year prefects to do their rounds for them. Remus and Peter were instructed to tell anyone who asked that they had gone to bed early. Sirius had added in a whisper that they should tell anyone he and James were getting lucky with some cute redheads – just to make it more believable of course.

"Alright just a few more minutes." James said, glancing at his watch. The apparition points didn't open until eleven and Lily wished she'd gone with her more practical wool sweater instead of the thin blue halter than Ann had thrust as her. Ann, of course, wasn't cold at all. Sirius' arm was draped around her shoulders and she huddled into him for warmth.

"Alright, we can go…now." James said, pulling out his wand. The wind blew his dark hair off his forehead, making it stick up in every direction. He stood against the moon, making him light up slightly. If Lily didn't know any better, she would have thought he were glowing.

The other three pulled out their wands and with a great swish, Lily felt that familiar compression feeling as though she were being squished from 3D to 2D. It was wicked uncomfortable.

"Ah, it's good to be home." Ann, who was very Welsh, said, smiling as she reappeared next to Lily at the foot of a huge bustling castle. A man with a beautifully decorated cloak bumped into her. She stared after him for a moment, goosepimples covering her skin. She knew that cloak. She'd only ever seen a cloak that green before.

"The muggles don't notice this?" Lily asked, incredulous as fairies lit up the night sky in various incarnations of the song titles. _Evil Queen's Anthem _was flashing now in gold and silver.

Sirius snorted. "Don't be ridiculous, Evans. It's enchanted, obviously. When muggles walk by they see Pembroke castle, which has been in ruins for hundreds of years." He rolled his eyes as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Come on, then." James said, every the efficient one when Remus was absent. "Let's get our seats."

"Besides, it's bloody freezing." Ann muttered, wrapping her violet cloak around her for good measure. They followed the stream of people to one of the many doors. An overly tall, and thin man, stood there with his wand raised. He swiped it down in one, violent stroke, before each person entered into the castle. Just before their turn, two boys, who looked to be about thirteen, tried to enter but when the man swiped his wand a brilliant green light was emitted instead of the fuchsia that had happened with the four previous.

"Out!" The man cried. "Ticket holders only!"

"Well it was worth a shot." One boy, a chap with curly blond hair muttered to his friend.

"Next year, mate." The other said. And they removed themselves from line looking rather down trodden.

"Children." Sirius said, as the tall man's wand shot out fuchsia over Lily's head and they ushered in. "What is this, amateur hour?"

"We would have found a way in at their age." James agreed, shaking his head and following Ann in.

The inside of the castle was absolutely breathtaking. It seemed to be lit up from the very inside of the walls. "This castle actually has a pretty interesting history." James said in Lily's ear, making her jump slightly, as they walked down the hall. "It was built before Hogwarts, and no one knows for sure, of course, but everyone says that it's built on a castle that Merlin helped build." He whispered conspiratorially as they followed a young witch in her twenties and two of her giggling girlfriends into the main arena. It had once been the great hall of the castle but was now open completely to the night sky. The seating was in the round and a short, balding man with a squeaky voice led them to the front row,

"You mean Camelot?" Lily asked as she settled herself between Ann and James.

James snorted scornfully. "Course not. Camelot's miles from here. I mean, if you were king would you have just the one castle?" He sat down loftily as though he knew all about having scores of castle.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I guess they skimmed over estate placement in finishing school." She muttered wryly but smiled to herself.

James grinned at her and winked cheekily. The stars twinkled above and there was an odd hush. Four broomsticks descended rapidly from the night sky, obscuring the moon. The first three landed gracefully, the fourth jumping from his broom and flipping outlandishly in the air before landing firmly on his feet, his arms outstretched toward the stars, sparks shooting from his wand. The fairies forming in huge letters The Wacky Warlocks above their heads.

The crowd went wild. Ann was jumping up and down, Lily screamed and could have sworn that the one on her right winked at her just as he summoned a chair and transfigured it into the most rockin set of drums she had ever seen. The one on the left summoned a glass out a girls hand and transfigured it into a black outlined but otherwise invisible guitar and the one in the back pointed at his broomstick a second guitar appearing. The crowd roared with approval. The girl on the right of James looked as though she might have a nervous breakdown, as happy tears ran down her face.

The one in front, who had flipped moments earlier lifted his wand to his mouth and the crowd silenced in anticipation.

**To the bitter end I have fought alone, **

**Now this cavalry is coming home,**

He began alone, no instruments, his voice echoing creepily in the old building. Something rustled behind Lily, sending pricks up her neck, but when she turned there was only a boy with bad acne. The drums and then the guitar started in.

**Like a motorcade lost in tickertape, **

**I have felt my way to you again, **

**On any other day there'd be a marching band, **

**But I stole away before they cut me down, **

He sang, picking up tempo, the crowd moving with him. James danced next to her, looking very silly and lacking anything that resembled rhythm. Lily was beginning to get lost in the song, swaying happily, letting go.

**What say we go, meet by the well? **

**Don't tell a soul, this is our time… **

**And we can lay low tonight; no I don't have the will to fight, **

**My president or his designs; you and me coulda been fine, you and me we're gonna be **

**fine… **

The singer was in the air, singing to some girl in the balcony who fainted. Lily looked over to her left to see if Ann saw but found her firmly emmeshed in Sirius Black's lips. Lily's watched ticked midnight. It was Valentines Day. Lily grinned and tapped Ann on the shoulder repeatedly until she extricated herself. She looked at Lily's expectantly.

"You lost." Lily mouthed over a rather loud stretched of guitar. It was Valentine's Day and Sirius had not told Ann that she loved him. The bet was over.

Ann grinned, looking utterly undisturbed. She glanced at Sirius and then turned back to Lily. "Nope," she cried in Lily's ear. "I won. Just not by your standards." She kissed Lily on the cheek and turned back to Sirius.

**Cause you knew me when I was wide awake, **

**Now I sleep all day, oh my mistake! **

**Oh any other day, there'd be a marching band, **

**But I stole away before the curtain fell, **

James looked up into the balcony opposite him and scanned the crowd. Almost everyone was in their twenties or late teens and there were a couple of very harassed looking dads. His eyes rested on a man who looked decidedly out of place. James couldn't see his face. It was obscured by his midnight blue cloak, but there was something odd. He wasn't dancing or moving around like everyone else. He was standing stock-still and staring ahead. Must be security he decided, and tried to shake off the feeling in his stomach but he couldn't quite kick it.

**In time, inside, here comes the falling rain, **

**In time, inside, here comes the pouring rain, **

**In time, inside, here comes the falling rain, **

**In time, inside, here comes the poison rain,**

There was a loud piercing scream from Lily's right, one that sent chills down her spine. Something was wrong. She looked around the crowd and was surrounded by happy, laughing, faces. She looked at Ann and Sirius, they didn't even seem to hear the music. She looked over at James. His eyebrows were scrunched with worry. He'd heard it too. There was another scream, and this time the guitar faltered. And then another scream from a third voice. Lily was has never felt more vulnerable. Something was striking, at random, and there didn't seem to be any way to predict it. There wasn't safety in numbers, only death sentences.

**My President or his denials; you and me coulda been fine, **

**Oh we can lay low tonight; we can set the flag alight, **

**We're clawing back the time, when youth was on our side, **

**You and me coulda been fine, you and me were gonna be fine.**

The band was starting to look a little worried. The frontman kept singing but he singing but he was scanning the crowd wildly as though trying to find the source.

"Murder!" A woman screamed as the fourth cry came out a young girl crumpled next to her. Pandemonium broke out. Sirius and Ann broke apart, terrified, and followed the stampede towards the door. James grabbed Lily's hand and dragged her after him but as the crowd swelled around them, his grasp slipped and they were pushed apart, prisoners of the chaos. She was pushed and shoved with everyone else. A girl with dimples and freckles fell next to her in a flash of green light. Lily stared at her terrified, about to scream, when she felt a sharp poke in her neck. A wand. She froze, the crowd bulging around her in slow motion. Adrenaline pumping through her she slowly turned her head. If she was going to die, she was damn well going to know who killed her. The face was obscured by a blood red cloak, but the nose popped out. A nose she knew well. A greasy, crooked, hooked nose. The attacker seemed frozen as well and he slowly lowered his wand. Someone grabbed Lily's hand and decided that wasn't enough. Lily looked up, in shock, as James tossed her over his shoulder and pushed through the crazed crowd. Lily's didn't protest. She lay there, as limp as a doll as he carried he through the crowd.

"Over here! Oi Prongs!" Sirius called, waving wildly on the field outside the castle, the bitter wind biting through his very voice. James jogged over and lay Lily down next to them. She stood up with Ann's help, and they looked back at the castle, a skull with a snake pouring through the mouth illuminated overhead. Lily very much doubted that the fairies had anything to do with it this time.

**Yeah we can lay low tonight; no I don't have the will to fight **

Rang in Lily's head over and over again as they raised there wands to apparate. Never had a bigger lie been told.

**A/N – Oh dear, Voldie's finally showing his hand. Rowling said they were about 22 when they died. They're 17, I figure five years is a good amount for a war. The song lyrics belong to the Delays, You and Me. Thanks to the reviewers!**

**Halfbloodhannah – I know, Lily's a bright girl, a little wise beyond her years I'd say. And I think this rather answers the question about Snape!**

**Foreverandnever – sweetest review I've gotten in a long time. Thank you! Hope you liked this one!**

**Abarraine – Why thank you. I think this one has a bit more action**

**Messyblackhair66 – Kevin is nice! Not a whole lot to him, but he's a good kid. Not quite good enough for Lily, though.**

**Miss SJB – Lily does indeed deserve a good rant. I'd say she deserves a few actually. If I were her I would have cracked ages ago…!**

**An Aspiring Author – Lily's a very cool bird**

**Stinkabel – thank you!**


	15. Drown My Sorrow

Mad World

Chapter Fourteen

Subtitled: Drown My Sorrow

Quotation: "Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can't take it. And at this moment you're a part of them ** Unknown**

* * *

**A/N – This chapter has a wee bit of sexualness in it but I skimmed over the explicit stuff, thought I should warn you. Also Leftiesrok pointed out that the war should have been going on for six years before so for the sake of continuity, for the last six years Voldemort has been doing the odd anonymous murder and gathering forces. He's been busy recruiting death eaters, giants, dementors etc and the ministry has been covering it up. This is his big debut. He wants to come out with style, hence the concert! Thanks and Review!**

* * *

They arrived in Hogsmeade about twenty minutes after mid-night. James and Sirius' feet had no sooner touched the ground that they took off at an alarming speed towards Honeydukes, Ann and Lily hot on their heels.

"Alohomora." Sirius cried, pointing his wand at the door. The village was deserted, and as they waited for the door to click open, Lily shivered unconsciously, glancing over her shoulder every few seconds. She felt like a toddler, waiting for the monster to jump out of the closet. The difference was, of course, that the monster had already joined her for dinner, she being the main course.

The door flew open and they scuttled in, shutting the door behind them and taking the stairs two at a time into the basement. James thrust open the passageway, Sirius entering first, then Ann, Lily and finally James.

"Almost there." Sirius muttered after a few minutes, his voice tight. It was this, more than the events of the last hour, that really shook Lily. A world where Sirius wasn't laughing was no world at all. At least not a world that she wanted to be a part of. She was cold, scared, slightly in shock, and the damned passageway was so damp that it felt like it was drizzling. She wanted to cry. They reemerged in Hogwarts a few moments later looking, and feeling, thoroughly miserable.

"Happy Valentines Day." Ann said, offering them a tired smile, a smile that ended just before her eyes.

"Nothing like mass murder to bring out the love in you." Sirius said wryly as they walked slowly towards the common room. No one laughed.

"You've broken curfew!" The fat lady said shrilly.

"Gemini." James said tiredly.

"Curfew!" She cried again.

"Oh sod off." Lily snapped. "Open the bleeding door, we're fucking freezing."

The fat lady harrumphed but swung open, looking thoroughly injured. Sirius, though, looked at Lily with new-found respect. They stepped into the common room, with the warm colors and the fire flickering merrily. Instead of comforting it looked garish and unreal.

"I can't deal with this." said Ann, shaking her head. "I'm going to bed." She waved weakly at the other three and headed for the stairs.

"Me too." Lily said, following her, looking forward to her warm bed, dry clothes, a certain potion that she'd been given months earlier. Dreamless sleep and a warm bed, who could ask for more?

* * *

James looked like he had been hit by a train. Sirius, though attractive under any circumstances, proved that he could not, in fact, pull off under eye circles and Ann was sporting bed head for the first time in seven years. All three were pushing there food around their plates and avoiding each other's eyes. Only Lily was well rested and chipper. She sat down, her hair arranged in two, perfect french braids, and helped herself to some eggs. Lily had, in the past few months, become an expert at secret pain and though last night had been more horrific than anything she could ever have imagined, there was something truly freeing about selective memory. As far as she was concerned, if no one discussed it than it never happened and since they weren't even supposed to have been at the concert, no one was going to discuss it. It never happened. It was a normal Saturday morning. She was a normal seventeen year old girl. She bit into her bacon feeling rather relieved, and wondering if she should do her charms or her transfiguration first. She smiled up at the Valentine's decorations, admiring some rather clever spellwork that one of the prefects had done in which a cupid flew over head saying witty things about couples. She made a mental note to give that prefect some extra house points. Yes, Lily was convinced all would be right with the world.

And then the mail came.

_**Mass Murder at Wacky Warlocks Concert**_

_Last night at the Warlocks concert in Wales, one of the most anticipated musical events of the year, no fewer than fifteen witches and wizards including 'Warlocks' front man Jason Siren, were murdered by an unknown number of assailants. At least two others died while being trampled to death I the furor to escape. "It was horrifying." Said Sheila Arrnold age 20. "Like being trapped in a cage, waiting to be next."_

_The wizard calling himself 'Lord Voldemort' has taken credit for the attack. No word from the ministry yet if this attacks are related to the murder of Helena Jenkins on January 4, Kyle Addler on December 12, and the various muggle murders throughout the year. Continued Page 4_

All of Hogwarts seemed to read these words at the exact same moment as a buzz started and grew to all out mayhem. At the center of it were James and Sirius, staring determinedly at their porridge, Ann, who excused herself, and Lily, who had bent down to tie her shoes and, upon hearing the noise, had retied them several times hoping to reemerge only after the everyone had calmed down a bit. She was grasping at straws. When she finally popped her head up again she saw her classmates rushing from table to table, Daily prophets crushed in their hands.

"Fancy a walk?" Sirius asked her and James, looking exhausted and out of his element. They nodded and followed him out of the great hall, a second year boy stopping in front of them.

"Are you head boy and girl?" The boy squeaked, his watery grey eyes staring up at them pleadingly.

"Yes," Lily said.

"Are they going to come here?" He asked, pointing to the picture on the cover of the Daily Prophet in which hundreds of Witches and Witches rushed out of the castle, running over each other in sheer panic. Lily looked away, unable to see it all over again. James' lips curled in disgust.

"Of course not." Lily said kindly and crouched down until they were eye to eye. "See Dumbledore at the staff table?" she asked, pointing to the grey haired man who was drinking his pumpkin juice, seemingly completely deaf to the chaos around him.

The boy nodded.

"Well he's the best wizard in the entire world. Even if what's-his-name came here, he'd never stand a chance." She smiled warmly at him as he sighed in relief, and ran off to tell his friends.

"Trouble is," James muttered darkly as they headed towards the heads' common room. "What happens when we leave here?"

"Morgan La Fay." Lily said, the tapestry jumping aside and they walked in. "Guess we'll find out soon enough."

"Eh we'll be safe enough, Lils. It's Jim who has to worry. His entire job will be to playing to packed arenas. Best study up on your defensive charms prongsie." Sirius said, yawning as he flopped into the nearest armchair. Looking, as only Sirius could, completely undisturbed.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence Sirius. I take it you won't be coming to see my games, then?"

"Nah, I like my lungs just as they are. Expanding and all that." Sirius said easily, tearing up bits of paper and tossing them into the fire.

"Well if a few more people think like you, then I won't even have a job." James said, scowling.

"You know, all this talk is depressing me. I think I fancy a bit of a snog." Sirius said lightly, hoisting himself up. The dead look he'd had before had disappeared entirely and if Lily hadn't been there herself, she would have thought the worst thing he'd ever seen was Gryffindor get pulverized by Ravenclaw in Quidditch. He smiled brightly at them, if tiredly, and left to find Ann. Lily envied him. The man sure could bounce back.

James and Lily sat for a moment in silence. James twirled his wand around, staring into the fire, the previous night's events playing over and over again in his mind. Lily sat cross-legged on the couch next to him, absentmindedly braiding her long hair over her left shoulder and letting it hang. There was so much to say, so much to feel, but neither could find the words. It seemed beyond that. How do you say, I almost died last night? Snape saved my life and I don't know why or how I'll ever repay him? How do you say, I almost lost you last night? I almost lost and you have no idea how scared I am? How do you say, the world is different and I've never been so afraid? How do you put into words that subtle moment when you realize the world is a big bad, place and you suddenly don't know where you fit into all of it? It's best to avoid the subjects entirely.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"I'd like a cuddle, please."

"Alright."

He put his arm around her and she scooted closer, both sets of eyes firmly on the fire.

* * *

Sirius found her sitting in the common room, a book in her lap, her hair free and wild. He walked up to her, without saying a word and took her hand.

"Sirius what –" but something in his eyes stopped her and she got up and followed him up the boys steps. The walked into the boys' room where Peter and Remus were playing chess.

"Out." He barked.

"I don't bloody well think so." Peter said indignantly. "We live here too."

"Get out." He roared. Remus and Peter exchanged looks and fairly ran out the door, slamming the door behind them as a last bit of protest. Ann looked at him as though she had never seen him before. Half afraid, half fascinated. There'd been a time when she'd been in control, when it had all been a game, but that time had past. He seemed to pulse power and there was something raw, almost animalistic about him. She stepped tentatively towards him.

"I –" she said hesitantly, watching him with a horrible captivation. She'd never felt like this before, like she had no control over her actions, like everything around her might explode at any moment.

In two easy steps he closed the space between them and kissed her in a way he had never kissed anyone before in his life. He kissed her because he hurt, and because he was scared, and because for the first time in his young life he realized the thing that all people must eventually realize. He was dying. They were all dying. Everyone was dying. And he didn't have any time to fuck around. He kissed her passionately and with so much power it nearly crushed here.

She kissed him back, carving into him all of her horror, her pain, her guilt, the images of a young girl crumpling next to her, dead before her 21st birsthday. The kissing became almost violent. He needed her. She needed him. There were no words, no songs, no sonnets, nothing could be said that could soothe what they had seen. So it was time to give up on words.

He lifted her onto his bed and removed his shirt. She scrambled back further towards the pillow to make room, pulling off her own shirt in the process, the blue silk fluttering to the floor, unseen. He climbed on top of her, the skin on skin contact setting them on fire. Each kiss became needier, more lustful, more desperate. He moved from her mouth, to her neck, to her breasts, removing her cream bra with on deft motion. She was covered with goosebumbs. He stopped for a moment, head above her left breast and looked her in eye. Breathing heavily she met his gaze head on, intensity for intensity. He nodded slowly, understanding that she wanted this too, that she needed it as much as he did.

Minutes later as he moved inside of her, he realized it wasn't about the sex, not even a little bit. It was that he needed to know, now more than ever, that he wasn't alone, that he was a part of something, of someone. Because, it turned out, that Sirius Black, the most popular boy in the school, was lonely.

* * *

Lily slid next to Ann with a grin on her face and pushed a piece of paper at her.

"What's this?" she whispered as Binns began to write on the board, dragging the chalk ever so slightly and making a horrible shrieking sound with it. Peter threw a crumpled up piece of paper at him, and it soared right through, hitting the board. The class burst into giggles and Binns was now demanding to know who the culprit was.

"This," said Lily as Ann unfolded the paper. "It your first payment. It sucks to lose."

"Attend all of your detentions for McGonagall in your place?" Ann cried softly. "No sodding way."

"Tough. A bet's a bet. Besides it was your boyfriend who got us detention in the first place."

"Yeah because he was sleeping with Diggory's girlfriend. You don't think that will be awkward?"

Lily grinned. 'Course it will. That's half the fun. Oh and just so you know, we're cleaning out cauldrons tonight in the dungeons. Half past eight. Enjoy."

* * *

"How lovely of you to join us Alford." Diggory said acidly as he brushed his cauldron with perhaps a bit too much vigor.

"Shove it, Diggy." James said churlishly, his knees beginning to feel rather raw.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" Peter asked, slopping more water into his cauldron.

"Favor to an old friend." Ann muttered through clenched teeth, her hands beginning to callous badly. She was going to kill Lily Evans.

"Yeah I hear you're good at favors. All this time on your knees must be good practice for you." Diggory said, his eyes glinting meanly. James jumped up, about to deck him, but Ann beat him to it. She pulled out her wand and muttered Silencio, waving her it lazily.

"Ah, that's better." She said as Diggory grasped at his throat, screaming soundlessly. "For the record, just because I am dating Black, does not make me the same person. If you have something to say to him, take it up with him. Besides, Hannah was the one with bruises on her knees." She added sweetly as Amos turned purple with rage. She turned to Remus. "So how do _you_ feel about House elf rights?"

* * *

**A/N – Far dirtier than what I usually write but I wanted to show the different reactions people have to shock and the last bit was a tad more light hearted. Ann and Sirius are definitely together. Next time, Lily and Snape have a slight run in, Ann gets part two of her debt to Lily, and more. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.**

**Leftiesrok – Thanks for the info!**

**An Aspiring Author - Well more on the bet coming soon and I'm glad you liked the bit about Snape, he'll be showing up next chapter. **

**Lemonwedges4 – Thanks. The music is the Delays and they rock my socks. Check them out!**

**DancingCavalier- I, sadly, did not write the lyrics (god I wish), it's from the Delay's song You and Me, which I LOVE. Lily and James are going to be stupid for a big longer I'm afraid and I'm glad you were surprised by the end. I think some people were confused about the whole hogsmeade snape bit a couple chapters back but I had to put it in to set the concert chapter up.**

**Abbarraine – Voila and thank you!**

**Messyblackhair66 – I love it when I surprise people!**

**Halfbloodhannah – Update your story!!!!!! But thank you for reading mine (looks sheepish)**


	16. The Tears are Filling Up Their Glasses

**Mad World**

**Chapter Fifteen**

**Subtitled**: _The Tears are Filling Up Their Glasses_

**Quotations**: _"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." **Norman Cousins**_

_"Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to." **Sophocles**_

* * *

"You've been sleeping with him for two weeks and you didn't think to mention it!" Lily cried, as softly as she could, Flitwick bustling in front of them.

"Shh." Anwen hissed, looking around her to see who had heard. Sirius grinned and winked knowingly. Well, there probably wasn't much harm in him hearing. He knew they were shagging after all. "Besides, I was going to tell you…you've just been so busy! Honestly if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you and Potter were getting it on every night. Where on earth do you get to anyway?"

"Oh here and there." Lily said shiftily. "Besides, if we were 'getting it on' I most certainly would have told you!"

Ann cocked her eyebrow, as she attempted to camouflage her frog. "So, you've never kept a secret from me?"

This was very dangerous territory, very dangerous indeed. Lily had two options, to lie, or to be a hypocrite, neither appealed to her. "What do you think?" Lily asked, quite proud of herself. She'd managed to evade the question admirably. She watched Ann struggle with her wand for a moment. The frog was stubbornly and irreversibly green

"D'you suppose it looks a little translucent?" Ann asked hopefully, her dark hair looped neatly atop her head. Flitwick was approaching their table as he made his final evaluation before class got out.

Lily smiled kindly. She flicked her wand under the table just as Ann waved hers above. The frog disappeared and only a hazy mass could be seen above the oak table. "Finally." Ann said, leaning back, satisfied.

"Ah well done. Well done indeed! Five points each, Miss Evans, Miss Alford." Flitwick squeaked moving on rather merrily to Remus', whose frog had turn a rather convincing shade of dark brown but was still very visible. Ann smiled at him pityingly and gathered her books.

"So anyway –"

"Yes! I want details. How was it?" Lily asked, leaning forward eagerly as they walked towards the door.

"Lovely." Ann said dreamily. Lily looked at her for a moment before bursting out laughing. Ann blushed. "Well, you know what I mean…"

Lily grinned. "Oh I think I know exactly what you mean." She nudged Ann and they both giggled. "So when? Why? Where?"

"Valentines day –"

"Stop right there, I think I might be sick!"

Ann laughed. "I know, horrificly cliché, right? But it wasn't planned. He just showed up in the common room looking all hot and bothered –"

"Hot and bothered, huh?" Lily winked at her knowingly.

Ann smiled good naturedly. "Anyway, he didn't even say anything he just kind of took my hand –"

"And then your clothes?"

"Actually, yeah, that's kind of how it happened. God he's brilliant."

"If you're picturing him naked right now, I think I might be sick," said Lily.

"Maybe just a little. Hold on I have to tie my shoe," she said, handing Lily her books and bending down. Suddenly there was some commotion coming towards them down the hallway. James and Remus were taunting Snape, making him tap dance against his will in front of them. Every few seconds, Peter would change the color of his tutu. They moved down the hall this way, a force of nature. Snape was in front, dancing violently, followed by James and Remus and Peter, and finally all the students they'd picked up along the way. They formed a perverse moving pyramid.

"Well then he said," Ann was saying but Lily had stopped listening. She put her books down and walked over tightening and loosening her fist as she walked, unsure of how exactly to proceed. She felt a little strange approaching James and his friends. It hadn't been that long ago, not even two years, that the same scenario had played out on Hogwarts lawn. It had ended badly, what with being called a mudblood and all, but Lily knew that Snape had been at that concert, though she'd mentioned it to no one. And she knew, whatever awful things he had committed that night, that he had had a choice to kill her and he had chosen not to. That sort of thing wasn't the easiest thing in the world to forget.

She wanted to hate him. She wanted to despise him, to mock him, to make him feel the full force of what he had been a part of. She wanted to take every picture, with every name, of every dead person of that night and put them one by one in front of him. To have him see the grieving family. To look into the victims' eyes and see their terror, terror she had felt, terror he had helped inflict. But honor was honor and she knew she owed him this small kindness. She was still breathing after all, which is more than she could say for some people.

"James, stop it." She said firmly, standing directly in their path. They stopped but Snape continued to dance in one spot.

James continued to laugh raucously and Peter changed Snape's tutu to a rather unappealing puce.

"Come on Lil, be a sport. Besides, I thought you loved the ballet."

Lily stood her ground. "Expelliarmus," Lily said tiredly, reaching up and catching Peter's soaring wand. "Enough James. I mean it."

"Hey!" Peter cried in protest.

"Come on Lily, we're just having a bit of fun," said Remus.

"Fun's over, take the spell off and ten points from Gryffindor for torturing students." There were several groans from the crowd. James looked ready to argue but instead he shrugged and waved his wand. Snape abrubtly stopped dancing, panting from exertion.

"I don't need your help," he sneered at her, still in that horrible tutu.

"Yet you've received it," she said coolly. "Everyone move along. I think I've made myself clear."

"You're beginning to sound a bit like a McGonagall," Peter said, sulking as he took his wand back from her. The crowd began to disperse and head onto their next class.

"Where's your sense of humor Lily?" Remus asked, shaking his head slightly. "The prat had it coming to him."

"Did he now? And what exactly did he do?"

"He smiled," said Peter, shivering slightly. "It was quite nasty, really."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Well, in that case. Your eyes are too blue," she said and waved her wand. Now Peter was dancing rather haphazardly.

"Alright, alright I get it! Take the bloody spell off me!" he cried.

She did just as Ann rejoined them. "What on earth are you on about?" she asked in wonder.

"Karma," said Lily taking back her books.

James and Remus exchanged looks. "Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean," Remus muttered but followed her to Potions anyway a disgruntled Remus in tow.

* * *

April arrived at Hogwarts with much rain and little consideration. The seventh years were up to their ears in N.E.W.T.S. Remus hadn't been seen outside of classes since the beginning of March. It was rumoured that he had found a secret room in the library and never left unless absolutely imperative. Ann and Sirius would study intensely for a few hours at a time, have passionate sex to blow of steam, and then make eyes at each other while their friends attempted to study for a few hours. It was quite annoying. Lily was so busy she could barely think. She ran from classes, to committees, to meetings, to her parents' house, to studying, and even, on occasion, had been known to eat a meal or two. Peter and James had fallen into their old routine of quizzing each other over chess. After each move, one would ask the other a question. It was actually a rather clever system as it kept them from getting too burnt out, and it helped Peter immensely. He had always learnt best in a group. They had devised the system half way through their O.W.L.S when it became clear that he had failed the Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. 

One day though, Lily failed to appear in any of her classes at all. This had never, in the seven years James had attended Hogwarts, happened before. He had arrived to Charms about five minutes late, but Sirius had stolen his muffin and had to punished, so it was completely understandable to his thinking. Ann was already there when he arrived.

"Where's Lily?" he asked, taking one side of her while Sirius took the other. Though he couldn't see it, he knew from the devilish look on Sirius' face that he was rubbing her thigh in a most unseemly manner.

"Hmm?" she asked, clearly distracted. He was right. "Oh, I dunno. I thought she was with you, actually. She was gone when I woke up. I figured she went to meet you for some head thing."

"Head thing?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively,

Anwen blushed and rolled her eyes. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Black. Of course, what else would you be doing at seven in the morning," she added thoughtfully,

James chose not to reply to that particular remark. "Well maybe she had some sort of emergency meeting. I bet the jumpers for the cups turned out lopsided," he said. "What happened to your face?" he asked, noticing for the first time that Ann had bright blue polka dots all over her face and arms.

Ann scowled and muttered something that sounded strangely like Lily, bet and kill.

"Well I think they look quite dashing," said Sirius, kissing her on her cheek.

"Suck up!" James mouthed over Ann's head at Sirius, but just as he was about to reply, Flitwick began the lesson in earnest and Lily was forgotten for the moment.

But then she failed to turn up at Potions, Arithmancy, or Herbology. At lunch they went to the hospital wing and found a very tight-lipped Madam Pomfrey. James was beginning to get worried. She also wasn't in Defense Against the Dark Arts, or Transfiguration. Even odder, not a single teacher, including Slughorn and McGonagall who never failed to miss a student, said a single word about it.

"Well I have to say. Good for Lily, it's about time she skived off some lessons," said Sirius, sounding very much like a proud father as he settled into the common room.

"Hear, hear," said Peter. "She's been dead tired lately."

"Not that she'd ever admit it," Ann said, crawling into Sirius' outstretched arms.

"Yes, quite," James muttered, his mind working a thousand miles an hour. "Look, I think I fancy a bit of fly," he said, standing up.

"I'll go with you," Remus offered. "I'm getting allergies from all that dust in that blooming library."

"No! I mean, if it's alright I want to clear my head. Exam stress and all that," he said hastily as he started toward the stairs. He bounded into his room, grabbed his cloak and was half-way out the door when he realized he'd need his broom if he was supposed to be going flying. "See you later," he said to his friends and headed out the portrait and straight into the hall towards the heads' common room.

"Lancelot," he said, the tapestry swinging aside. He hoped to god, Merlin, the universe, really anything, that he was wrong. But there was only one way to find out. He threw the cloak over his head and grabbed some powder and threw it down. "Tigerlily!" he called with as much force as he could. He landed in Lily living room but was not alone.

"What on god's green earth is wrong with that bleeding fire!" Lily's father cried to a woman James had never seen before who was small, and child-like, crying pitifully. He took one look at the woman and knew he was right. Sighing silently, James realized that the fire must look very odd indeed. It wasn't very often that fires grew in height several feet and turned bright green. Well, he didn't have time. He waved his wand and apparated with a very quiet pop to just outside the front door. He removed his cloak, took a deep breath and rang the door bell.

A few moments later, a girl he remembered as Katie, the maid, opened the door. "Can I help you?" she asked, looking slightly harassed as she wiped her hands on her apron.

"Yes, I'm…I'm here to see Lily. I'm a friend of hers from school."

Katie gave him an odd look but nodded. "So you've heard then. So nice of you to come. The poor dear. She's down the hall, up the stairs, second door on the left."

James nodded and walked in. The lights had been dimmed, and there were dozens of bouquets and cards spread out on the dining room table. He passed the living room, where Lily's father was pounding down drinks as though it were going out of style and the woman was huddled into a pitiful ball. He walked slowly and gingerly up the stairs. What on earth was he going to say to her? He wished he'd given this some thought. For a brief moment he blamed Sirius. This was the sort of thing Sirius would do, rush headlong into some situation and deal with it later. Why couldn't he have been more like Remus? Remus would have waited for her to come back and then gently goaded her into telling the truth. Of course Remus, also, would never have sneaked into her house in an invisibility cloak and then lied to her about it for six months.

Well, there was no turning back now. He felt the plush, royal blue carpet beneath his feet and reached her door, standing there for a moment. He didn't hear any sounds inside. No sobbing, throwing, or yelling. It was rather unnerving, actually. He knocked. There was no reply. There was music playing softly in the background, though. He couldn't make out what exactly. He hoped to god it wasn't the Wacky Warlocks.

Slowly he turned the knob. The first thing that came into view were two white doors, leading to a bathroom and a closet presumably, with a huge white desk in the middle, hand-painted flowers flowing up and down the shelves. She had a hard-wood floor with a pastel, braided rug. Opposite him were two large bay windows and on the wall opposite the desk was a king sized bed on which sat Lily, looking smaller than ever, staring listlessly out her window, her back to him.

He walked over to her side of the bed, standing about three feet from where she sat. She turned mechanically to him, her face puffy but free from tears. "What are you doing here?" she asked tonelessly.

He said the first thing that came to mind. "Dumbledore."

She nodded and turned back to the window.

"Want to talk?" he asked, feeling completely at a loss. The stillness of the moment, the overwhelming quiet, was breathtaking and much scarier than any amount of smoke and noise.

She shook her head miserably.

"Can I sit?" he asked. She nodded, her head still straight ahead, her body rigid, only her hands, which lay clasped in her lap moved, her right thumb rubbing her left palm over, and over again. She'd been doing it for some time. By the looks of it, her left palm was rather chapped. He sat down about ten inches from her, following her gaze out the window. Directly outside her window was a huge oak tree with a tire swing hanging from one it's large, sweeping branches. The leaves were beginning to bud but weren't quite green yet, giving the whole scene an odd, watery feeling as though the artist had traded in his bright oils for water colors.

In the tire swing, Lily's little sister sat alone, her blue dress swaying in the wind. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a tight pony-tail on the crown of her head, with a matching ribbon. She wore ruffled socks in her patent leather shoes. Someone else had dressed her. Soundless tears pouring down her face, swinging alone in the yard. He had never seen anyone look so lonely.

James didn't wonder that Lily couldn't take her eyes off her. Her own pain must have been immense but to see a child like that, so knowingly sad. It was enough to break anyone's heart. Certainly his own.

He reached out slowly and took her small hand in his own. She was shaking. She didn't pull away, or even acknowledge that it had happened.

And so they sat, hand in hand, staring silently out the window, both awash in pain and guilt. Later, James didn't know why she didn't pull away, kick him out, or ask him anything, but he suspected that, just like him, she needed that hand to feel a little less alone.

In the background the radio played on:

_You don't have to try so hard _

_Looking so together_

_Everything is falling apart_

_Look, your hands are shaking_

_And I can see right through your eyes_

_I can tell your heart is breaking _

_This is going to pass_

_Even though I know now _

_It hurts so bad_

_Let me hold your hand_

_I know its hard _

_But I really think its going to pass_

_You are not alone in this_

_It may seem that way_

_But I'm here_

_It's just the way it is_

_You can barely stand_

_I will help with the load_

_We'll get through_

_Give me your hand_

* * *

**A/N – God that was hard. Originally I wanted to put this and the concert together but my god would that have been hard to write. I think that scene in her bedroom is my favorite of any that I've ever written. I would love to hear what you guys think. I tried to make the tragedy as lonely as possible, because I think there is something incredibly lonely in that level of pain, something incredibly personal and isolating. The song on the radio at the end is Keri Noble's "pass". It was very much not around in '76 but I think a little artistic liscence is allowed. **

**Now to the thanks!**

**Hello.I'mMarySue – You're back! Thank you. Sirius was the most difficult because I actually think he's one of the most complicated of the four main characters. He's been through so much but he likes to seem so light hearted. I'm interested to hear what you think of Lily and James' reaction in this. **

**Halfbloodhannah – Sirius does have a heart. It's good to know, it's it. Diggory sucks but I love writing him. I thought it'd be fun to have someone they hate who isn't evil. You know? As for Snape, well we'll have to wait for book 7 on him, jury's still out. As for your fic, I think it'd be cool to have Lily give Sirius him comeuppance or have him see her in a new light, because I don't think James will change until his friends lay off a little. Ooo you updated, I'm going to go read your new chapter!**

**Four and Twenty Blackbirds – I'm actually quite glad that I made you cry. Is that sick? I'm curious to hear what you thought of this chapter!**

**Foreverandnever –I would never leave my faithful reviewers in the dust! I hope you liked this chapter, let me know!**

**DancingCavalier – Yeah the cuddle thing was super awkward but I like the idea of them being on the same page without even knowing it. No they're definitely not together yet. But I go to boarding school and I ask my guy friends for a snuggle all the time. I think when you live with boys, especially over several years, the physical contact thing isn't so weird. I bet you could write an incredible story and when you do right one, send me a message and let me know! Also it's easy to write long responses to you because you write the longest reviews. I love it!**

**An Aspiring Author – Bet will be in the next chapter as well. I love having absurd things happen to Anwen and calling it payment. I like putting Snape in there too. Not too much, but just enough to get some flavor. Thanks about the emotion bit, it's the hardest part to write, but the most rewarding. **

**Miss SJB – It is complicated, and awkward the whole snape and lily thing but then so are teenagers, and people for that matter. I won't lie to you, I thought the Ann/Sirius thing was hot too. I was a little jealous!**

**Lemonwedges4 – you're such a faithful reviewer. It warms my heart and soul! Yep, it turns out Sirius is a person after all…we all wondered. **

**Till next time…**

_**Please Review!! **_


	17. I Find it Hard to Tell You

**It's a Mad World**

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Subtitled:** _I Find it Hard to Tell You_

**Quotation**: _"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen"_ **Winston Churchill**

* * *

Lily sighed. She never thought she could hurt so much. Her heart hurt. Her brain hurt. Her soul hurt. She glanced at James who had shown up unannounced. She wanted to evict him, to tell him she didn't need him. She'd gone seventeen years without being needy, she wasn't about to start now. She wanted to be held, to be loved, but she couldn't bear to be that girl. The girl who needed to have her hand held and told everything was alright. She knew, in a place that was inaccessible, even to her, that if James knew how messed up, how needy, how hungry she really was, he'd go running for the hills. She wanted him around, and so she desperately wanted to keep the truth quiet: she needed him.

_Her mum looked up at her, that horrible ventilator making it's buzzing noise. Lily looked at the cute intern, pity pouring from his eyes and she ran. It was unbearable. He should be hitting on her, not pitying her. She glanced back at her mother's ashen face and something desperate burst out of her. She ran out of the ICU, bumping into her aunt and grandmother. They flew to the side, staring at her in horror but she didn't notice. She kept running, through the surgical unit, through admit, to the public bathroom. She exploded in alone, the cold, sterile air filling her lungs. The bathroom was empty and she flew into the first stall, locking it tightly and falling to the floor, the freezing tiles catching her fall. She started shaking violently, tears falling, away from her probing family, away from that horrible, understanding doctor. She rocked back and forth from her bum to her heels. She heard the door open, and clutched her knees to her chest, desperate to not be heard, to be alone in her pain. _

"_Are you okay? I'm a nurse?" A voice called, clearly concerned. _

"_I'm fine," Lily croaked. The door swung open again. The nurse was gone. Lily had never been so grateful. She shivered in the cold and continued to cry angry, violent tears. She should have been able to fix this. To make it better, or at least more bearable. Petunia's face came to her and she felt sick. Those accusing eyes, that trembling lip… She crawled to the toilet and threw up. She had failed and not just herself, which would have been bearable, but her baby sister. Those huge blue eyes that begged her, pleaded. She couldn't live with herself. She threw up again. How could she live with this guilt? She couldn't. If anyone knew how horrible she really was…how guilty, how responsible…she threw up again, her body shaking from exertion over the bowl…_

"When's the funeral?" James asked, his hand still firmly grasping hers, pulling her from her memory.

"Saturday," she whispered.

"I'll be there," he said firmly trying to meet her eyes and failing. She stared determinedly at the carpet.

"James –"

"I'll be there." He repeated and got up before she could protest. Before she could say anything more he was gone, the door swinging loudly behind him. She stared at the spot that he had sat on only moments before and felt an incredible and inexplicable loss, it was as if her mum had died all over again. She was alone all over again, as if the floor had opened up and swallowed her whole. She fell to the bed, sobbing bitterly, clutching the bedspread with her hand until her knuckles were white. Everything had gotten so messed up, and she didn't see how it would ever be right again. Not ever. Her hand throbbed, feeling the loss keenly of James' warmth keenly.

In the hallway James stopped at the top of the stairs. He could hear her sobbing. He'd never heard anyone sound so miserable in his entire life. She cried as though her life depended on it, as though if she stopped the world might keep on turning. He turned slowly back towards the stairs, fighting the urge to rush back in there and take her in his arms. She'd have to come to him, and it killed him. As he took the first step a tear leaked out of his left eye. He brushed it quickly away and forced himself down the stairs. Things were so much simpler when he thought she was just playing hard to get.

* * *

"Where's your broom?" Peter asked, looking up from his chess game as James slumped into the common room.

"I left it at the pitch." He said dully and started towards the dorms without another word.

"That's odd, he never comes back from a fly looking like that. He looks right buggered." Remus said thoughtfully, moving his knight to take Peter's pawn.

They rolled their eyes as Ann elicited a slight moan from the coach next to them. "Oh honestly," Remus scoffed. "Can't you do that anywhere else?"

Sirius lifted his head from her chest and grinned. "D'you think James'll let us have the room?" he asked hopefully.

"Let him be, Padfoot," Remus said thoughtfully. "I don't think he's feeling well."

"Besides, you've already had your fun today…twice," Peter added, snickering.

Both Anwen and Sirius smiled at the memory. "We should eat," Ann said, reluctantly sometime later, untangling herself from Sirius' welcome arms. "Where d'you suppose Lily's gotten to?" she asked, straightening her shirt.

"Family thing," James announced as he made his way down the stairs, looking freshly showered and changed. "Dumbledore told me on my way in."

"Hope everything's alright," said Remus. "Wormtail, fix your tie. McGonagall will have a field day."

"I'm sure everything's fine. Her sister probably got her heart broken or some such nonsense," said Sirius, tossing Remus his sweater. "And he's right Pete, you look a damn mess."

"So do you suppose there'll be anything good tonight?" Ann asked, and James smiled, satisfied that his friends were so easily satisfied. Apparently Lily wasn't as good as he thought. With this lot, keeping a secret didn't require a whole lot of effort.

* * *

Saturday morning was cruelly beautiful. It was the kind of day you'd expect to be outside snogging, or tossing a quaffle, certainly not the kind of day you'd expect to be in a graveyard. The service had been basic and beautiful. Lily looked painfully pretty. Her face was so pale even her lips looked faded, but her eyes shone with unshed tears. They looked unusually large in her face. Her hair was brushed straight down her back, the top half gathered in a neat and tight bun, the red contrasting strongly with her white face and black clothes. She wore a black cardigan, a black skirt, black knee highs and black patent leather shoes.

It was windy, and a large oak tree stood near the grave sight, the young leaves fluttering in the breeze. Petunia held Lily's hand petulantly; looking bitterer than any adult that James had ever seen. Her small, bony frame was clothed in a black velvet dress with a white peter pan collar. Her hair had been pulled back into a pony tail with a black ribbon. Angry tears spilled down Petunia's face. Their father's face was red. He'd been drinking.

"In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life hrough our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our sister Marigold Evans; and we commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust." The priest was saying, and Lily gave a small whimper.

Behind her stood James, a safe distance back from the family. He stiffened, fighting the urge to look away. It was so awful. Petunia started crying into Lily's shoulder and she put her arm around her. Despite himself, he looked at the grass. He couldn't watch anymore.

"The Lord bless her and keep her, the Lord make his face to shine upon her

and be gracious unto her, the Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace. Amen." The Priest finished.

Lily held her white rose tightly in the hand, all to aware of the thorns, half hoping that they would prick her, that she would bleed, that her blood would be joined with her mothers. A small trick of blood ran from her fist, down the stem of the rose, dripping to the ground. She was glad. She wanted to hurt. Her sister shook violently against her and Lily clutched her rose even harder, hoping some part of the pain would cleanse her. She started fiercely at the grave as her father dropped his rose into the grave. Her aunt and grandmother went next. Her grandmother's old tweed suit looked out of place in the sea of black and green, but in the end, Lily supposed it really didn't matter all that much. She grasped Petunia strongly by the shoulders and pulled her, with some effort near the grave, though she tried to dig her heels in. During the wake, Petunia had followed Lily to their mother's open coffin, but half way down the aisle had turned on heel and run out the door. But Lily was determined to get through these last few, horrible moments without Petunia chasing her kid sister. She tossed her own rose into the grave with as much dignity as should could muster, aware that there were dozens of eyes on her. Her sister followed suit but practically ran into her in her hurry to get away from the grave.

James stood solemnly next to the grave when it was his turn. He wasn't really sure where he stood on the whole God thing but he figured if there was anytime to say a prayer then this was probably it. He shut his eyes for a moment. "I'll take care of her," he whispered to the mahogany casket. "You have my word." Goosebumps covered his arms, but he shook them off. Talking to a casket was a little creepy. He dropped his rose and followed the Lily and Petunia.

"How're you holding up?" he asked, putting his hand softly on the small of her back. Petunia stared at him, wide eyed.

"Who are you?" she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Petunia, this is James, James this is my sister, Petunia," Lily said tiredly. "And fine."

He nodded and started to say something else when her father came up to them. "Lily, why don't you bring your friend back to the house with us?" he asked, hiccupping slightly and reaching for a flask in his jacket.

Lily grimaced at her father and nodded. "Yes, please join us," she said stiffly and politely. James followed them into the car, sitting next to Petunia, who was fidgeting angrily with her dress. They rode back to the house in complete and utter silence. The only sound was Mr. Evans' hand, tapping impatiently on his steering wheel. The driveway was empty.

"Everyone else is at my aunt's house." Lily said simply, as they walked to the door. "I thought we might change first, these knee-highs are dead uncomfortable," she offered him a weak smile. "You can come up with me, if you want. I'll change in the bathroom."

He nodded and shrugged noncommittally, following her up the stairs. She opened her door and sat down heavily on her bed, staring at her bureau, overwhelmed, as though picking out something to wear were completely beyond her realm of experience. James stood there for a moment, in her cheerful, neat room, shifting his weight helplessly.

"Lily," he started, unsure of what he was doing. She turned to face him, her eyes looking so large, and so very tired. "You can cry, you know. It'd be alright," he felt awkward, and he was willing to bet a lot of money that he sounded awkward.

She laughed bitterly. "Yes I'm sure it would be "alright", today anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, sitting next to her on the bed.

She raised her eyebrow knowingly. "Oh come on James. I start crying, you pat my shoulder today and then tomorrow you wake up and realize there are a hundred million other girls out there who don't actually need to be handled. Dumbledore told you why I'm here and so you came, because, as a friend you felt you had to, that you owed it to me. I don't need any friends who spend time with me because they owe it to me," she spat it out, so convinced of the truth of what she had said.

"Is that what you really think?" he asked, horrified. "That'd I ever be your friend only because I felt bad? Lily, that would never happen."

"You say that now, but what about a week from now, or a month, when I'm still all weepy and all you want to do is go for a good fly?"

"What on earth are you on about?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"No one wants to be around a needy girl James, especially not boys. Look at Ann, if she suddenly became a mental case do you think Sirius would want the first thing to do with her?" she looked away miserably.

"Yeah," he said forcefully. "I do. Because he loves her!"

She shrugged, unbelieving. "Look if I can hold it together, if I can just hold it together than no one has to know. My life can still keep going, it doesn't have to change," she said, more to herself than to James. She seemed to be talking herself into it. "I've lost my mother, I can't bear to lose anyone else," she said feverishly.

"Lily, it's already changed! You won't lose anyone else, not Ann, not Sirius, not Remus, not Pete, and especially not me," he said firmly, almost wildly, grasping her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Look, I've known your mum was sick since October and I haven't gone anywhere, why the fuck would I start now?"

"What, how could you? I never told anyone…" she was looking at him as though she'd never seen him before, and it wasn't in a good way.

"Last October I used my invisibility cloak and followed you home through the floo in our common room. Dumbledore never told me anything. But I never said a word to anyone about it!"

"Yeah," she said acidly. "Not even me."

"I wanted you to tell me on your own. I never dreamed it was something like this. I thought you were off on a lark. I thought you were going shopping or something –"

"Shopping!" she cried furiously, wrenching herself from his grasp. "SHOPPING? I don't believe this. I don't believe you. I thought you were my friend! I thought I could trust you!"

"You can. I just wanted to be your friend. I just wanted to help."

"So I see, you thought you'd ride up on your big, white horse and save the day, did you? There's no elastoplast to make it all better, James! There's nothing. And you really thought you could just show up and fix things?" she laughed bitterly. "You really are an only child, aren't you?"

"Look, you can scream at me. You can scoff at me. You can tell me you never want to see me again but I love you, god damn it, and there's not one fucking thing in this whole world that you can do to change that. I'm not going anywhere. Be mad, I deserve it. But I'm not letting you go through this alone." He cried, matching her blow for blow, refusing to back down. "So you can push me away, lie to me, god knows you've had enough practice, or ignore me. But I'm not going ANYWHERE!"

Lily stared at him, stunned. He'd never yelled at her before. This was the first time in their entire relationship that that had ever happened. For years he had goaded her, maybe sometimes going a bit too far, but she always won in the end. But standing there, panting, staring angrily at each other, Lily somehow became aware that the tables had turned. She wasn't staring at some lovesick little boy, not anymore anyway. And she had no idea how long it had been since the picture had changed. When she had been trying to stop her world from tilting something incredible had happened to James Potter. She was starting at a man, a sincere, granted hugely flawed, man. She'd noticed little things of course. He'd pulled about half as many pranks as he used to. He didn't laugh at stupid things like Peter blowing milk out of his nose anymore, and even more astonishing, was that even though, according to him, he'd been in love with her this whole time, he hadn't made a single pass at her in nine months. Since October, now that she thought about it. She was tired, she was scared, she was out of her element, and so, so sad, and she had no idea what to do. Luckily James did.

"Look, I'm going to go back to school. But nothing is going to change. We are going to be the same as we always were." He said fiercely. "But you should know, as brave as dealing with everything on your own is, looking someone in the eye, and telling them you need them is about a hundred times braver. How brave are you Lily?" he asked, and stalked out the door. Lily felt to the foot of her bed and put her head in her hands.

"Lily?" Petunia's trembling voice called out. "Lily!" she called again. Lily heard her sister and let out one, long, ragged breath and got up, James' voice ringing in her ears.

Well that was question, wasn't it? Just how brave was Lily Evans?

* * *

**A/N I think there's only a chapter or two left in this story but I was thinking of maybe writing a sequel. Let me know what you guys think! Also the bit in the funeral is from the common book of prayer, the Church of England. I hope it didn't offend anybody, i just picked a religious persuasion and church of england sounded good to me. Plus that's what i am so it was easier to write about... ;)  
**

**Halfbloodhannah – thanks for the review! I really, really appreciate it! Yeah, it was a tad story.**

**Kae – I love that song too. I'm glad it's helped you, even if it's in the smallest of ways. I find writing helps me, so I guess it all works out. I'm sorry life's been hard lately, I'm sure this chapter didn't help but the next one should put the smallest of smiles on you face. **

**Miss SJB – hahaha love the enthusiasm. Your review made me giggle. I'm sorry about your friends. Just keep you head up and your mouth shut, that's what I do. Drama's fun to read and write about but it blows in real life!**

**DancingCavalier – I love boarding school but it's hard and takes a lot of discipline. But I do get to live with my two best friends and have since I was fourteen so that's pretty sweet. Amazing long review, as always. I'm a huge fan of pass (the song from the last chapter) too. It made me cry the first time I heard it. Don't worry, I know youre not some airhead! And even if you were I wouldn't really care, you're very likeable!**

**Lemonwedges4 – The polka dots were part of her bet with Lily she has three more to fulfill because she lost!**

**Hello.I'mMarySue – Lily has to tell herself some truth before she can even think about tell her friends! Yeah james jumps in balls first…silly silly boy. **

**Messyblackhair66 – I feel sorry for Petunia too, poor girl. She'll never be quite as good as Lily will she? Besides even horrible Petunia was a little girl once too, poor thing. **

**Foreverandnever – Very polite and lovely review. Liked it very much! I'm glad you liked the bit about Petunia. She's in this one as well but I think it might be her last showing for a bit. **

**Four and Twenty Blackbirds – Lily and James are on the horizon, never fear!**

**An Aspiring Author – Why thank you very, very much! **


	18. The Best I've Ever Had

It's a Mad World

Chapter Seventeen

Subtitled: The Best I've Ever Had

Quotation: "We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" **Walter Anderson**

* * *

Lily had lost her mother. She had lost her sanity, or so she thought. She could turn a toad purple, she could change her best friend into a dog, she could even turn time back, but she couldn't, for the life of her, make sense of anything.

While she had been wallowing in self-pity, the world had turned on its head. To be fair, she had every reason to pity herself, especially since she wasn't about to let anyone else even try it. Still, her grief was an ocean that threatened to engulf her, and yet all she could think about was James Potter. After he left, she had tended to her baby sister, who had had a bad dream; perfectly understandable considering they had just buried their mother. She had soothed Petunia's sweaty forehead, and clutched her body, feeling her heart beating a million hours a second. She had sat with her, a cold washcloth to her forehead, until Petunia had fallen into an uneasy, but deep sleep. Lily had slinked quietly down the stairs to find Katie, the maid, and Lucy, the cook, asleep. Only her father was awake, drinking his five hundred pound scotch like water in his study . He didn't even notice her, as Miles Davis records' blasted from the bureau. She slipped past him, soundlessly, into the kitchen and filled a long, and tall glass with water. Her head pounded and she felt weak. How had everything gotten so messed up?

She was a pretty girl. Her mother had always told her so. She was a smart girl. Her father had always told her so. And yet she felt like everything had gone from color to black and white. She downed the water, desperate for anything to take her mind off what was happening. No such relief would come. Potter had shaken her to her very soul and she knew she should hate him. His timing had been nothing if not inconsiderate. Her mother had just died and he wanted to talk about bravery?

What did he know about courage? Spoiled, selfish, sheltered James Potter wanted to lecture her on courage? What had he had he ever stood up for; the right to have both his parents put him to bed? The nerve, the absolute gall! Who the hell did he think he was? After what she had been through? After what she had kept from the people she cared about to protect them? And he was going to stand there and tell her she wasn't as brave as she though she was. What a fucking piece of work.

She shook her head bitterly and stalked up the stairs, half-tempted to slam the door in protest, if only it wouldn't call quite so much attention to her. She sat on her baby blue, overstuffed couch bitterly, drawing her knees to her chest. Who the hell did he think he was? What on this fucking planet was he on about? He had no idea what she had been through. He had no fucking clue!

But then there had been that time in Hogsmeade with Ann's family. When she'd kicked him out he had looked so hurt. She paused for a moment, staring around her room in confusion.

And then at that dance, when she had fixed his lip. He'd looked at her like…_she shivered_…well like she mattered, liked he knew what she was worth_. She shook her head_, determined to fight this, but her memory had a plan of it's own. At Slughorn's party, he had treated her like a close friend. He had been kind, understanding, dare she even think it, normal. And then New Years flew to her mind. He had refused to kiss her. That certainly didn't seem shallow to her. And then the concert; he had run back into danger to save her. Granted she didn't need saving, it turned out Snape had a conscience after all, but still! She shook her head.

"Oh god," she muttered. "Jesus Christ. Merlin, oh my fucking god. What have I done?" she whispered furiously into her teddy bear, thrusting it aside. She stood up, gaining her balance and ran out the door. She flew down the stairs, taking them two at a time and into the living room. "Tiddlywinks," she shouted, aware that if her father hear he'd ignore it, whiskey what it was, Petunia would write it off as a dream and Katie and Lucy wouldn't hear her. They were in the third floor.

She spun onto the floor of the heads' common room. She was alone, the cheerful wall décor mocking her. Arthur stood with triumphant with his sword raised. Little did he know that he'd be undone by a mere woman. Merlin grinned opposite her, giggling in his power; of course, little did he know that he'd be undone by a mere mortal. Silly men, she thought and ran for the tapestry. She sprint towards the Gryffindor common room, bursting in, out of breath.

"Where the hell have you been?" said Ann, staring at her skeptically, taking in her messy hair and lack of breath.

"I'll tell you later," panted Lily. "Where's James?"

"He said he needed a walk," said Peter.

"He's out by the lake," said Remus, watching her carefully,

"Thanks," Lily breathed, before Sirius could say anything. She sprinted to the great hall and out the door towards the lake. She ran as hard as she could. Her side hurt and her she was getting cramps. She saw a figure sitting by the lake, and ran at it.

"James!" she called, running faster than she knew she could. "James!" The figure turned at her.

"Lily?" he said, as she drew close. He pushed a hand through his hair. "It's after midnight. What are you doing here?"

Lily stood for a moment, terrified. She hadn't thought that far in advance. What was she doing there. "Look, I though about what you said…"

He stared at her expectantly. "I…well….remember how you said nothing was going to change between us?"

He nodded and she took a deep breath. It was now or never.

"You were wrong." She breathed and kissed him hard and passionately, dew gathering at their heels, the moonlight illuminating them. He stood there, completely still for a moment as she kissed him but when she didn't draw back, he kissed her back – slowly, carefully. The kiss grew hungrier, more desperate. He bit her lip, pulled her close. He could feel her heart beating and it wasn't close enough. He pulled her so close that they began to melt into each other. With her tongue she could feel his chipped tooth, but for the first time in seven years, it didn't annoy her. His tooth was chipped, her soul was chipped, that was life. Who was she to judge?

He pulled away. "Do you know why I didn't kiss you on New Years?" he asked, as she panted, staring at him searchingly,

She shook her head.

"Because I never wanted to kiss you because you had to. I wanted to kiss you because you wanted to." He moved in to kiss her again but she stopped him, her hand on his chest.

"James." She whispered, her voice high and child-like. "What if…what if I need you? What if I need you and you aren't there?"

He pulled her into a hug, enveloping her in his warmth and strength. "It would never happen, and even if it did, you're the strongest person I know. You'd deal."

She nodded slowly but stopped, breathing in his jumper. It smelled strongly of detergent an brooms. Her heart rate calmed automatically. "You said before that it was…that it was okay if I cried…" she said, terrified and fully prepared to perform a memory charm and run for the hills. "What if I start crying and I can't stop?"

James had never heard her so vulnerable. She sounded like small child who had lost her way. He pulled her closer, and closer still until she was almost apart of him. "Then we wait," he whispered, kissing her softly on the forehead. "We wait."

* * *

**A/N – it's finally happened. I hope you all are happy with it! I'm developing a new l/J story that I think you might like. Keep your eye out for me! This is how I envisioned it! Let me know if you like it!**

**Now about the sequel? Is that a no? I didn't hear back! There's only ONE MORE chapter left!!!**

**Halfbloodhannah – I'm glad you liked the James reaction. I envision him being like Harry in sense, honest, especially when pushed! Funerals are really really hard. I've been to too many of them. Grandfather, friends' and my aunts last month. Plus I'm planning my mothers. No fun. But I the rose thing was at my friend's funeral and I thought it was really beautiful! And it was a great vehicle to show how everyone deals with grief differently. I'm glad you felt that way about Petunia. Eveyone was a kind once and everyone is they way they are for a reason, as hard as that is. Your review was really great and long!**

**Stinkabhel – Why thank you!**

**Miss SJB – I'm glad you found it believable. It made me cry!**

**Abbaraine – Thank you my dear!**

**Misschieviousblack – your review was so sweet. I did my best , especially with Sirius. If I do a sequel you can see where that goes and hopefully tell me if you like it! ;)**

**An Aspiring Author - I agree with you totally. I'm the same way. I'd rather give my right arm than admit I'm sad.**

**Lemonwedges4 – Thank you!**

**Hello.I'mMarySue – I want a James Potter too!!!!**


	19. Enlarge Your World

It's a Mad World

Chapter Eighteen

Subtitled: Enlarge Your World

Quotation: "If you want a happy ending that depends, of course, on where you stop your story" Orson Welles

* * *

With the dew still clinging to their heels, Lily and James made their way through the darkness and back to the castle. Both knew they could be caught, punished, stripped of their badges or worse, but walking together in moonlight, Lily's small, clammy hand softly enclosed in James' it didn't seem to matter quite so much. Any worries they might have had, however subconscious, were unfounded. For the first time in their collective histories they made it back to the Gryffindor tower without so much as a glance at the marauders map, at leisurely pace. It just so happened that a tired old man, with grey overcoming his auburn hair was very much aware of their presence, but they never knew it, nor, did the man in question ever think they needed to. Some things were better left alone.

The fat lady complained loudly at their late appearance, but James and Lily, as though in a dream, hardly heard her. The walked into the common room, still holding hands, without so much as a word. The fire had begun to die and Sirius and Ann were entwined in a corner chair, whispering softly to each other. A bit of Ann's hair wrapped around Sirius index finger. In the flickering light, her hair looked almost blue, ethereal. Seated at their usual spots at the chess table, Remus and Peter stared seriously at the board, Peter chewing thoughtfully on a pawn, the one piece he'd managed to take from Remus. At first no one noticed them. James and Lily stood there for a moment, in front of the closed portrait waiting. And sure enough, almost as if by the sheer force of their presence, the heads began to turn, first Remus, then Sirius, then Ann, and finally Peter. Peter opened his mouth to say something, but Remus silenced him with a jerk of his hand. He knew, they all knew, that something momentous and taken place, and the fact the Lily and James were openly holding hands was the least of it.

They all stayed as they were for a moment, frozen in time, the seconds ticking by separate yet inexplicably connected. It was a moment they would all remember one day, in a single poignant flash. Remus would see it just after his wife fell lifeless to the floor some seven stories below where they currently sat. Peter would see it after a flash of his own silver flew at his neck. Sirius would see it as he fell backwards, dark unruly hair leaving his quick gaze. James would see it as his searched for his wand, his wife's voice pounding with his own blood in his ears, a violet cloak swishing before him. Lily would see it as she inhaled that last precious bit of sweet baby smell. And Ann, well that's a story for another time but she saw it too.

It was Lily who broke the silence first. She had steeled herself for months for that moment, sure it would take every bit of Gryffindor courage within her, but it wasn't needed. It was surprisingly easy to do what needed to be done, the hardest part had passed. So she smiled reassuringly at James, dropped his hand, and walked towards her friends.

"There's something I need to tell you all…" she said. And so she did. She started at the beginning, not knowing where else to start. It was a long story, and there was a lot of backtracking, since she invariably for got certain bits, human memory being as fallible as ever. But as the hours passed, she told them everything, every single bit, and for the parts she forgot (or in some cases simply didn't know) James filled in, otherwise, he was silent. He knew, as the others were beginning to know, that this was her story, whatever role he may have played. There was the inevitable, shock, horror, pity, and even a few laughs. Sirius suppressed the urge to make jokes, and it took all of Anwen's self control not to fling at Lily and hold her, or, at other times, to slap her for keeping so much to herself. But they all came out all right in the end, as the great Marauders had always done. Older, more tired, but intact, and laughing still as the sun rose and the most earnest of students began to stir, eager to get a head start on studying for exams.

* * *

Three months later

"Well it will have to do." Ann said, staring at their new apartment glumly. She fingered a dust covered counter and grimaced. "I still don't see why we have to live here. That place above the book shop was twice as big and had a much better view."

"We're keeping a low profile." Lily said for the tenth time as she hoisted a box up with some effort.

"Oy, I'll get that." James said, swooping in, a box under his left arm. He tucked her box under his right. He was still wearing his Magpies practice uniform, and smelled faintly, though not unpleasantly of sweat. "Right, where does it go?"

"My bedroom."

"I was hoping you'd say that!" he grinned cheekily, and agiley avoided her gentle swat.

"Don't get any ideas Potter." Lily said good naturedly, reaching for her wand to a flicked a simple cleaning spell. "See, it's not so bad." Lily said brightly.

Ann sighed heavily. "Says you." She muttered.

"Tell you what, love, you can come over and crash with me any time you want." Sirius said, lugging some of Anwen's very heavy things, unfortunately for him, he'd only hit the tip of the ice berg.

"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it." Ann said darkly, staring at the old, lumpy couch they'd inherited along with the dingy window. "I don't suppose you're in the market for a third roommate, then?"

"Not as such," James said brightly as he reentered, arms free. "but don't let that deter you."

"Oh don't worry, it won't." Lily said, smiling. "I'm sorry I'm such an old fashioned girl, James." But she wasn't sorry in the least.

"It's fine, besides I like hearing all of Sirius' stories." James smirked, the irony lost on no one.

"What stories?" Ann said, turning sharply at Sirius, who ducked opportunely into Ann's room. She was not to be deterred though, and followed him. "What stories?" Lily and James heard her demand again as the door shut loudly behind them.

"You're terrible." Lily giggled, as she started to unpack the kitchenware. "You know I'll have to hear about this all night right?"

James came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "What's the big deal," he whispered, kissing her neck softly. "There all about her anyway."

Lily turned to face him, grinning. "That's worse!" she said. "It means –" but he broke her off, kissing her deeply.

"Marry me Lily." He whispered between kisses. "Marry me."

She pulled away a little, but though they were no longer kissing, her nose was just barely brushing his. "What?" she asked, breathing heavily, still high from his kisses. She was convinced she could life a hundred years and never tire of those kisses.

"Marry me…let's go right now and get married. I've waited three years, I don't want to wait another minute." He looked her dead in the eye, never even blinking.

Lily was dizzy. He smelled so good, his hair was hanging in his left eye, from so close she could even see that silly chipped tooth. She could barely breathe. "No." she said before she even realized it.

James looked like he'd had the wind knocked out of him and backed away clamping her hands over her mouth in horror.

"Oh god!" she cried. "I meant yes! Yes of course I'll marry you. Just not right now?"

James staggered for a moment, trying to figure out what was happening. "Wait, yes?" he asked, staring at her warily, daring her to correct him.

Lily nodded happily, tears beginning to fill her eyes. "Of course yes. Oh god, it just came out all wrong." He ran at her, sweeping her into the air.

"You won't regret it! I promise!" he yelled as he whirled her around, both laughing beyond any reason, her hair flying behind her. He twirled her faster and faster until he lost her balance and they both tumbled to the ground, convulsing with laughter, alternating between kissing and crying, hugging and tickling. They slowing calmed down, still sprawled and entangled on the floor, Lily's head resting gently on James's chest.

"There's just one thing." James said thoughtfully, after some time (neither was sure how long they'd lain there, Ann's door long since locked.

"Hmm?" Lily asked without looking up. Perfectly at peace, her head moving gently up and down with each breath James took.

"Why won't you marry me now?"

"Oh that. It's silly really. I don't know why I told you when I did. I was just a little overwhelmed, I guess."

"Tell me." James urged softly.

Lily hoisted herself up onto her elbow so that she could face him. "Well I've got to give Arachne Weaver time to design my robes, haven't I? D'you suppose your mother still has her number? Or maybe she's listed..."

For a moment James had that vision all men have just before they get married. He could actually see the galleons flying out of his vault of their own accord and into the hands of the florists, caterers and of course, Arachne Weaver. He made a mental note to blame Slughorn if he went into debt, but seeing Lily's happy face as she chattered on about cakes, the moment passed and he gathered Lily up into his arms, kissing her everywhere and smiled. There were worse things, after all, then a slightly lighter wallet.

Many worse things, indeed.

* * *

**A/N – and at last it is done. I'm sorry I put out the whole story in two months but made you wait nine more for the conclusion but at least it is finally finished. Any comments would really brighten my day! Much love to all and as soon as the first chapters done for my new story I'll put it up. Peace and love. **


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